my generic one year post... typing it before I forget to/can't get to it until later and by later i mean 2010.
So last year around this time, what was I doing..?
December 2008.
Look at those posts...
How sad I was, my god.
I can't believe it.
I was just getting over things, and starting over, exposing myself to more things, and other people, and a bunch of shit I probably shouldn't have... But I did.
Looking back on all that, I know that I have come to quite a few revelations as of that date:
The most major one is what Julio did to me.
I blamed myself, to a point...
It wasn't my fault.
What he did, was what I say it is now.
He took advantage of me, I was stupid for giving him the opportunity to, but he did.
That doesn't define me.
Throughout 09 I have let people get under my skin, in my head, in my heart, and use my body. I have done a lot of growing. More than I expected, and in unexpected ways.
I have seen things that I did not expect to see, ever.
I learned who my real friends are, and who I should (and shouldn't) trust.
I have also learned that just because someone is nice to you, that does not mean they are a good person, in the long run.
I've done interesting things, had some interesting experiences. My first convention/rave, another piercing, being high at school (xD), a new pet, hookah, sneaking out, kings, smirnoff, and all those what ifs.
What if I hadn't lost the baby?
What if all those kisses had gone somewhere?
What if I hadn't done those things to myself?
I refuse to dwell on the past though, at least the negative part of it, there's no reason to.
I found my calling; I know the perfect blend of my talents, and weaknesses. What I can do in life that can help myself and my peers, as well as the world. Taking photography has opened my eyes in more ways than one.
I know who I can trust now. I believe I know who and what should and shouldn't be in my life anymore. I know I cannot be selfish in my beliefs though.
I can be stubborn and outspoken, like I already am, but I can't let it hurt other people's relationships.
I've also embraced my sexuality. I'm proud and willing to let my relationships grow, not push people away, both friendship wise, and romantically.
I've become a happier person~ More carefree, I'm not letting things get to me the way they used to.
I've met so many new people... Well not met, necessarily. More like, gotten closer to. Reggie and Stephanie in photography. I would say that Reggie is my closest friend right now XD Which is sad.. yet, I like it; because Reggie and I agree on so many things, and disagree. I feel as if my ties with my current friends are slowing down though... I miss our girly sleepovers, and our talks. Let's bring them back~
In the past few months I have been changing even more than I have in the past year. I have reevaluated my standards of a person I want to be with. My happiness does not ride solely on him, but it does help a lot that he's here with me.
I've told him quite a bit. I trust him with my whole heart, and I hope he can get to where I am as well, someday.
Leo Leo Leo... You're such a strong influence on me right now.
I feel as if I would be becoming someone I don't want to be, if I hadn't met you.
I want 2010 to be the best year yet (:
I want to grow more, and blossom, become a muchmuchmuch happier person than I was, and that I am right now.
I have my friends beside me, and I hope we stay this way. <3
Let's grow stronger together, mmkay?
Love Always ~<3
CLT: I wish I was more comfortable with my body... Once I can be 100% comfortable with it, I'll feel soooooooo much better about me.
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Friday, July 10, 2009
I'm almost certain that this blog won't be attended too very often for a long time...
I kept it alive and used it since I got my tumblr for longer rants and things I wanted to go on for a long time about. But there really aren't that many things I want to talk about for that long anymore. I don't think I need to.
Looking at all my old posts, from the endish of freshman year and the stuff from this year, I talk a lot about change, growing up, but mostly about love and boring mushy crap... I kind-of stopped doing that after a while though. I've grown-up, and moved on to bigger and better things, including more interesting blogs. xD
Again... I just don't think I'm going to be posting much here anymore, so feel free to not check up on it as much. When I do, I'm sure it will be long, and full of rant. =]
Feel free to follow me on Tumblr though, that will probably be around for a while.
I'll still keep it alive for purposes of checking other people's blogs and feeds.
Ja nee and love always~ <3
CLT: I think pockets work better than purses :P
I kept it alive and used it since I got my tumblr for longer rants and things I wanted to go on for a long time about. But there really aren't that many things I want to talk about for that long anymore. I don't think I need to.
Looking at all my old posts, from the endish of freshman year and the stuff from this year, I talk a lot about change, growing up, but mostly about love and boring mushy crap... I kind-of stopped doing that after a while though. I've grown-up, and moved on to bigger and better things, including more interesting blogs. xD
Again... I just don't think I'm going to be posting much here anymore, so feel free to not check up on it as much. When I do, I'm sure it will be long, and full of rant. =]
Feel free to follow me on Tumblr though, that will probably be around for a while.
I'll still keep it alive for purposes of checking other people's blogs and feeds.
Ja nee and love always~ <3
CLT: I think pockets work better than purses :P
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
I Was Hiding Under Your Porch Because I Love You...
I spent the day with a lot of people I haven't seen since school ended, for the most part.
I took a while getting ready this morning, even though my outfit was basically planned for me since Alena told me to wear my black skinny jeans. I thought I looked good today~ xD
I got to the mall at 2ish, the bus was late, and the driver kept turnin off the engine at the stoplights? What the hell... D: I was the last one there... Eric, Sam, Tyler, Vy-anh, Leah, Emily, Alena, and Melissa were already waiting for me. Tyler and Samantha were waiting in an armoire...
After I got there we ran around for a bit, then got tickets to see Up! in 3-D, which onestly was a rip, since there were no super cool effects where stuff flies at your face. The only flying objects or interesting 3-D worthy things were in the previews... I would've rather seen Transformers 2 and stared at Megan Fox for 2 hours.
By the end of the movie it was already 5 o'clock, I had to get home, but Samantha invited me to go see Kung Fu Panda with her at the Cox movies under the moon thing, so I stayed.
We got chipotle and pretzils and ran around some more, everyone was leaving by then. I got to converse a lot with Alena, Eric, Melissa, and Tyler; which made me feel good. I haven't talked to any of them in a while. :]
We went back to the other side of the mall, and ended up at Clare's, where I sto-, er, got a new bracelet :]
Sam's dad took Meli home, and we picked up Vincent, then Tom came. Samantha's mom took us to the park, and we watched Kung Fu Panda! We weren't really watching I don't think... I was playing UnBlockMe on Vincent's Iphone. Tom tried to nap... And this group of other teens were annoying us. The fun part was after thatttt.
WE PLAYED IN THE SUPER COOL PARK!!!!!
They have a spinny-go-round thing that you can push, a rock wall, and a spin swing (you propel yourself with your own momentum it takes a lot of upper body strength WHICH I DON'T HAVE....), we played tag, and spun on the spinny thing. Amy played with us, but she got sick from eating and then running... Then we left.
It was fun hanging around and talking with the people I haven't seen very often this summer. I miss everyone. :]
Love always <3
CLT: I really think I'm dead in the middle of masculine and feminine... I look like a female, and care about a lot of female things like my hair and looks; but I have the sick mind of a boy, and kind-of don't like a lot of female approaches to things too.
I took a while getting ready this morning, even though my outfit was basically planned for me since Alena told me to wear my black skinny jeans. I thought I looked good today~ xD
I got to the mall at 2ish, the bus was late, and the driver kept turnin off the engine at the stoplights? What the hell... D: I was the last one there... Eric, Sam, Tyler, Vy-anh, Leah, Emily, Alena, and Melissa were already waiting for me. Tyler and Samantha were waiting in an armoire...
After I got there we ran around for a bit, then got tickets to see Up! in 3-D, which onestly was a rip, since there were no super cool effects where stuff flies at your face. The only flying objects or interesting 3-D worthy things were in the previews... I would've rather seen Transformers 2 and stared at Megan Fox for 2 hours.
By the end of the movie it was already 5 o'clock, I had to get home, but Samantha invited me to go see Kung Fu Panda with her at the Cox movies under the moon thing, so I stayed.
We got chipotle and pretzils and ran around some more, everyone was leaving by then. I got to converse a lot with Alena, Eric, Melissa, and Tyler; which made me feel good. I haven't talked to any of them in a while. :]
We went back to the other side of the mall, and ended up at Clare's, where I sto-, er, got a new bracelet :]
Sam's dad took Meli home, and we picked up Vincent, then Tom came. Samantha's mom took us to the park, and we watched Kung Fu Panda! We weren't really watching I don't think... I was playing UnBlockMe on Vincent's Iphone. Tom tried to nap... And this group of other teens were annoying us. The fun part was after thatttt.
WE PLAYED IN THE SUPER COOL PARK!!!!!
They have a spinny-go-round thing that you can push, a rock wall, and a spin swing (you propel yourself with your own momentum it takes a lot of upper body strength WHICH I DON'T HAVE....), we played tag, and spun on the spinny thing. Amy played with us, but she got sick from eating and then running... Then we left.
It was fun hanging around and talking with the people I haven't seen very often this summer. I miss everyone. :]
Love always <3
CLT: I really think I'm dead in the middle of masculine and feminine... I look like a female, and care about a lot of female things like my hair and looks; but I have the sick mind of a boy, and kind-of don't like a lot of female approaches to things too.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
I love getting pierced.
Hullo newly-pierced-for-the-third-time-ear-lobe :]
I've actually been pierced four times, the lowest one closed up and I had to get it redone.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Insomniac.
- The First Single - The Format
- Font
- Editing
- Photoshop
- Photography
- Darkroom
- Darkness
- Death
- Bleak
- Nothingness
- Empty
- Human
- Fragile
- Weak
- Bateman
- Killer
- Psycho
- Death
- Lies
- Fake
- False
- Mirror
- Reflection
- Character
- Charades
- Saturday
- Fire
- Bonfire
It's 2AM and my mind is going a mile a minute.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Holyshit.
Hello blogger people~ Been a while, hasn't it ;]
I'm writing here about this year. Sophomore year as a whole and Summer 08. This is not necessarily a "year-in reveue" post, but a "how far we've come this year" post.
It has been a year of firsts for me. From riding in a car with boys without my seatbelt, to late nights sneaking out. I tried all the bad stuff a teenager can get into, and all the good. I fell in love, if you can call it that. I've also.... Experimented? Whatever you want to call it. xD
I made bigger mistakes than I ever have, but I've also taken so many risks and become less hesitant to try new, good things. This year has had so many ups and downs, but it's been awesome.
The date I began doing things last year was March 28, 2008. I saved the date. From that day on I could not consider myself a pure, well adjusted teenager. From that day on, things began happening. I smoked pot, drank, took pills, met boys, etc. I hate the fact that all most half of the year between March 28, 2008 and the same day in 2009 centered around either talking about or doing drugs. But my opinnoin on them/us then is: Look how close they made us. It's not about the fact that it was illegal. It was the fact that we were willing to, as a group make decisions and do things without causing drama. We functioned as a whole, and when we disagreed with someone/thing. WE TALKED ABOUT IT.
Look at how our group is at the moment, yes I hate calling it a "group," it makes it seem so closed-off. But I mean, it's easier to say our group than our regular circle of friends and acquaintances. That's not the point, look at us. People have done things we all disagree on. Yet we do not speak to them directly about it, and try to make compromises. We end up talking shit, or suffering in silence, until things blow up to all hell. I include myself in this predicament. I have done things that I may not have if I had just said something to begin with... Things do not get better if you ignore them. We're all friends, I hope, and we're all aware of the sting of criticism, but we can get through it if we talked things through. Apologised, told oursides, actually grew-up and CHANGED.
The end of sophomore year is bittersweet for me. Things are changing so drastically after summer. Junior year, being an upperclassman, driving, VARSITY sports, working, making friends with freshmen, college applications. All that good stuff. Yet so much sad stuff, so many people leaving... 3 ap classes, less free time with work and sports, a lisence but no car, chaffeuring my brother around... Blahblahblah. I'm not like Vy-anh, a person who lives and breathes for change, and can embrace it whenever it happens. I enjoy change, I'm just a bit scared. No not scared... Excited but sad? Hard to explain. =X
We've been through so much, together, guys. Why be so down, and say it's going to go away? We know it's not going to be the same, but hey, it changed so much last year. It's just this time we know it's going to have to change...
Love always <3
CLT: I freaking love the SIMS. xD I love being like their god, and making them do whatever I want them to >:] I'm going to buy The SIMS3 when I get the money. I would play the Sims 2 but my VISTA processor won't let me... DDD:
I'm writing here about this year. Sophomore year as a whole and Summer 08. This is not necessarily a "year-in reveue" post, but a "how far we've come this year" post.
It has been a year of firsts for me. From riding in a car with boys without my seatbelt, to late nights sneaking out. I tried all the bad stuff a teenager can get into, and all the good. I fell in love, if you can call it that. I've also.... Experimented? Whatever you want to call it. xD
I made bigger mistakes than I ever have, but I've also taken so many risks and become less hesitant to try new, good things. This year has had so many ups and downs, but it's been awesome.
The date I began doing things last year was March 28, 2008. I saved the date. From that day on I could not consider myself a pure, well adjusted teenager. From that day on, things began happening. I smoked pot, drank, took pills, met boys, etc. I hate the fact that all most half of the year between March 28, 2008 and the same day in 2009 centered around either talking about or doing drugs. But my opinnoin on them/us then is: Look how close they made us. It's not about the fact that it was illegal. It was the fact that we were willing to, as a group make decisions and do things without causing drama. We functioned as a whole, and when we disagreed with someone/thing. WE TALKED ABOUT IT.
Look at how our group is at the moment, yes I hate calling it a "group," it makes it seem so closed-off. But I mean, it's easier to say our group than our regular circle of friends and acquaintances. That's not the point, look at us. People have done things we all disagree on. Yet we do not speak to them directly about it, and try to make compromises. We end up talking shit, or suffering in silence, until things blow up to all hell. I include myself in this predicament. I have done things that I may not have if I had just said something to begin with... Things do not get better if you ignore them. We're all friends, I hope, and we're all aware of the sting of criticism, but we can get through it if we talked things through. Apologised, told oursides, actually grew-up and CHANGED.
The end of sophomore year is bittersweet for me. Things are changing so drastically after summer. Junior year, being an upperclassman, driving, VARSITY sports, working, making friends with freshmen, college applications. All that good stuff. Yet so much sad stuff, so many people leaving... 3 ap classes, less free time with work and sports, a lisence but no car, chaffeuring my brother around... Blahblahblah. I'm not like Vy-anh, a person who lives and breathes for change, and can embrace it whenever it happens. I enjoy change, I'm just a bit scared. No not scared... Excited but sad? Hard to explain. =X
We've been through so much, together, guys. Why be so down, and say it's going to go away? We know it's not going to be the same, but hey, it changed so much last year. It's just this time we know it's going to have to change...
Love always <3
CLT: I freaking love the SIMS. xD I love being like their god, and making them do whatever I want them to >:] I'm going to buy The SIMS3 when I get the money. I would play the Sims 2 but my VISTA processor won't let me... DDD:
Friday, May 29, 2009
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
My Confession Means Nothing.
Holy cheese I am immersed in this whole American Psycho flimflam.
I am halfway through the book, and I recently finished the movie... Which was a lot less gorier than I thought it would be (the hobo eye-gouging was omitted, but he was still killed, and there was a lot less dialogue between him and Evelyn and Courtney, unfortunately). One of the reviewers on the streaming site called it "more of an artistic piece than a movie fit for cinema." I totally agree. This is not one of those quick and easy reads/movies you can watch for pleasure. Makes you think.
At the moment I am obsessed with the idea of Patrick's social conceptions and mannerisms. The fact that he is off in his own little world constantly yet the other men he works with have their same petite, personal universes as well. Mistaking one another for different men, seeming to ignore Bateman's commentary on disecting women. Which makes me think about real life. How society is really an illusion, and everyone is in on it. What they believe is society differs completely from what another does. For exhample, those people who you think are your friends and will never betray you, then do; or someone who says something and does another. A constant facade put on to appease society. Hense, Bateman's cool headedness and education on men's fashon.
How did he become the way he is? How are his peers so blissfully unaware of his tendencies? Is it just some innane need or did he divelop into it? The fact that we as a group of humans have diveloped our own subcultures and a need to fit-in sort of broke him down I think. He wanted to fit in, tried so hard to, and lost all of his self-control in the process? What do we sacrifice being in contact with other people?
It is also strange that his friends, who are constantly mistaking him for someone else, refer to Bateman as a "dork," one even adds "spineless" into the mix.
I am mind blown.
I need a person to talk to about this... I'm so confused on how to transpose my thoughts onto this computer.
I am halfway through the book, and I recently finished the movie... Which was a lot less gorier than I thought it would be (the hobo eye-gouging was omitted, but he was still killed, and there was a lot less dialogue between him and Evelyn and Courtney, unfortunately). One of the reviewers on the streaming site called it "more of an artistic piece than a movie fit for cinema." I totally agree. This is not one of those quick and easy reads/movies you can watch for pleasure. Makes you think.
At the moment I am obsessed with the idea of Patrick's social conceptions and mannerisms. The fact that he is off in his own little world constantly yet the other men he works with have their same petite, personal universes as well. Mistaking one another for different men, seeming to ignore Bateman's commentary on disecting women. Which makes me think about real life. How society is really an illusion, and everyone is in on it. What they believe is society differs completely from what another does. For exhample, those people who you think are your friends and will never betray you, then do; or someone who says something and does another. A constant facade put on to appease society. Hense, Bateman's cool headedness and education on men's fashon.
How did he become the way he is? How are his peers so blissfully unaware of his tendencies? Is it just some innane need or did he divelop into it? The fact that we as a group of humans have diveloped our own subcultures and a need to fit-in sort of broke him down I think. He wanted to fit in, tried so hard to, and lost all of his self-control in the process? What do we sacrifice being in contact with other people?
It is also strange that his friends, who are constantly mistaking him for someone else, refer to Bateman as a "dork," one even adds "spineless" into the mix.
I am mind blown.
I need a person to talk to about this... I'm so confused on how to transpose my thoughts onto this computer.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Tonight I pull an all nighter.
Trance, darkness, solitude. Nothing but me and my keyboard. I feel good right now. Better than I have in a while. Which is good because finals are coming up and I need to stop being so freaked.
I think I picked a good day to do this, in between finals and the end of my lacrosse season.
I didn't realize stretching felt so good. :]
My muscles have relaxed, and my mind is off in another place.
I love it.
There's no drama here. Nothing to keep me down, all I want to do is sit and type my cares away. What's going on in my mind. I could keep writing similar sentences to that for a while, I have a lot of ideas.
Do you know Watership Down was written by a guy while he was on a heroin binge?
Today Sulaiman and one of my brother's theater friends were talking about Jimi Hendrix's talents being weed or himself, he also said that if I do things I shouldn't do things in big groups.
Was the weed his talent or did weed made him open enough to share his talent?
I feel open right now.
I want to smile but my face has relaxed to the point where I don't want to open my mouth.
Francisco called that: "pleasure town" today?
heh, I'm an idiot I know. But this feels so good. :D
I'll be back to my old self again tomorrow :]
Not the hyper happy me, but one whose not getting set off by everything.
I can feel my heart beating. I feel alive. :]
Trance, darkness, solitude. Nothing but me and my keyboard. I feel good right now. Better than I have in a while. Which is good because finals are coming up and I need to stop being so freaked.
I think I picked a good day to do this, in between finals and the end of my lacrosse season.
I didn't realize stretching felt so good. :]
My muscles have relaxed, and my mind is off in another place.
I love it.
There's no drama here. Nothing to keep me down, all I want to do is sit and type my cares away. What's going on in my mind. I could keep writing similar sentences to that for a while, I have a lot of ideas.
Do you know Watership Down was written by a guy while he was on a heroin binge?
Today Sulaiman and one of my brother's theater friends were talking about Jimi Hendrix's talents being weed or himself, he also said that if I do things I shouldn't do things in big groups.
Was the weed his talent or did weed made him open enough to share his talent?
I feel open right now.
I want to smile but my face has relaxed to the point where I don't want to open my mouth.
Francisco called that: "pleasure town" today?
heh, I'm an idiot I know. But this feels so good. :D
I'll be back to my old self again tomorrow :]
Not the hyper happy me, but one whose not getting set off by everything.
I can feel my heart beating. I feel alive. :]
Monday, May 4, 2009
you know who you are.
I'm not angry... so much as, disappointed?
I've never gotten any sort of appology. But it's my fault for expecting one. If I do something you don't want me to do, I'll stop, I'm a big girl. I'm not one to fall down and cry when someone says to stop something. I do all want to do is make everyone happy, and I try my hardest not to treat anyone unfairly or in ways they don't like it. Want me to tone something down? That's alright, honest. I don't care if you have a problem, well I do, but not in the way of biting your head off.
I guess I do the things I do around you... I actually don't know why.
You are one of the first guys I actually trusted in a long time.
Maybe it's because you do a lot of the things my father did?
I've been thinking about this answer... and it seems logical. But I don't like admitting this. >.<
I think I clung to you because I felt that from you... It's odd, if you understand... But I was very attatched to my father, emotionally as well as physically, I clung to him... And you emulate him, sort-of.
The fact that you're always looking out for what's best for everybody, and try to help everyone. Yet you choose to suffer in silence, without help, when you're hurting. You're unmotivated, yet you are smart. And you're always looking for a new adventure.
Did you know my father once hitch-hiked to Texas with only a duffel bag and his german shephard, with no money?
^Heh, I found that out from his first wife, my sister's mom. He apparently did a lot of odd stuff like that.
Maybe it's because you're genuine?
You look like you need someone with you?
I don't know, honestly.
It's not what you're doing that offended me, more the timing, I guess.
Because after getting me over all that, like I've said before, you go from talking to not?
If I throw you off your game, that's fine. I'll tone it down. Honest.
I'd like to know you're not mad or something though...
Because I don't think you understand how much I appreciate being able to know you.
I've never gotten any sort of appology. But it's my fault for expecting one. If I do something you don't want me to do, I'll stop, I'm a big girl. I'm not one to fall down and cry when someone says to stop something. I do all want to do is make everyone happy, and I try my hardest not to treat anyone unfairly or in ways they don't like it. Want me to tone something down? That's alright, honest. I don't care if you have a problem, well I do, but not in the way of biting your head off.
I guess I do the things I do around you... I actually don't know why.
You are one of the first guys I actually trusted in a long time.
Maybe it's because you do a lot of the things my father did?
I've been thinking about this answer... and it seems logical. But I don't like admitting this. >.<
I think I clung to you because I felt that from you... It's odd, if you understand... But I was very attatched to my father, emotionally as well as physically, I clung to him... And you emulate him, sort-of.
The fact that you're always looking out for what's best for everybody, and try to help everyone. Yet you choose to suffer in silence, without help, when you're hurting. You're unmotivated, yet you are smart. And you're always looking for a new adventure.
Did you know my father once hitch-hiked to Texas with only a duffel bag and his german shephard, with no money?
^Heh, I found that out from his first wife, my sister's mom. He apparently did a lot of odd stuff like that.
Maybe it's because you're genuine?
You look like you need someone with you?
I don't know, honestly.
It's not what you're doing that offended me, more the timing, I guess.
Because after getting me over all that, like I've said before, you go from talking to not?
If I throw you off your game, that's fine. I'll tone it down. Honest.
I'd like to know you're not mad or something though...
Because I don't think you understand how much I appreciate being able to know you.
Friday, May 1, 2009
the word is "miffed."
I am miffed… Which means I am somewhere in between frustrated, disappointed and confused.
At the fact that I have so many ambitions, yet choose to follow none of them.
Art. - Ask Watson. Nuff said.
Singing. - I COULD be good, if I practiced more often. But I’ve stopped singing, I have no idea why.
Acting - You have no idea how much I love it…
The only reason I didn’t take Theatre last year was because of my mother’s guilt-trip in not being able to take creative writing as a freshman when it’d do wonders for me, and BEGGING me to take journalism as a way for me to write. Then this year, the elective I had been looking foreward to taking since 8th grade filled the only slot. Watching Zach, Lani, Vy-anh, Alena, Jansen, and Sulaman on stage made it clear that I need to switch from Art 1 to Theatre 1. I can only take one or the other up to class 2 anyway… so why not take Theatre instead and have more fun?
Dance - My mother refuses to believe in me on this… When I’ve begged for lessons since I was six.
Next year I’m going to be SO much better to myself, and do what I want to do. No matter what people say or think.
I’m taking dance lessons this summer with Eve, hopefully, and doing work with it off and on after this summer; maybe with the same company, or possibly joining the dance team? But I want to work with the plays Winter in between sports… so we’ll see where it goes. I’m getting a job and buying a camera/tablet for photoshop, and switching out of Art 1 to take Theater Arts. :)
OR: Take a summer school course, or get the japanese 2 credit before school starts, and drop languages to take art and theater :D (As much as I love Japanese and sensei.. I just don’t learn much in that class… and I’m afraid for Japanese 3, with kids who study, and not being able to learn enough to pass into AP. (AND WITH MY FREE SLOT SENIOR YEAR TAKE ANOTHER AP TO COMPENSATE).
Along with APs/honors/practices/schoolwork/portfolio stuff I won’t have much of an outside of school freetime/social life. Which is good for me. Free time gives me bad thoughts.
There’s so much stuff I want to do~! So little time. I’m going to try everything at least once. Junior year is supposed to be the busiest and craziest… I’m just glad I’m not taking Calculus.
With all the art classes I may make NHS and have more work to do. xD
At the fact that I have so many ambitions, yet choose to follow none of them.
Art. - Ask Watson. Nuff said.
Singing. - I COULD be good, if I practiced more often. But I’ve stopped singing, I have no idea why.
Acting - You have no idea how much I love it…
The only reason I didn’t take Theatre last year was because of my mother’s guilt-trip in not being able to take creative writing as a freshman when it’d do wonders for me, and BEGGING me to take journalism as a way for me to write. Then this year, the elective I had been looking foreward to taking since 8th grade filled the only slot. Watching Zach, Lani, Vy-anh, Alena, Jansen, and Sulaman on stage made it clear that I need to switch from Art 1 to Theatre 1. I can only take one or the other up to class 2 anyway… so why not take Theatre instead and have more fun?
Dance - My mother refuses to believe in me on this… When I’ve begged for lessons since I was six.
Next year I’m going to be SO much better to myself, and do what I want to do. No matter what people say or think.
I’m taking dance lessons this summer with Eve, hopefully, and doing work with it off and on after this summer; maybe with the same company, or possibly joining the dance team? But I want to work with the plays Winter in between sports… so we’ll see where it goes. I’m getting a job and buying a camera/tablet for photoshop, and switching out of Art 1 to take Theater Arts. :)
OR: Take a summer school course, or get the japanese 2 credit before school starts, and drop languages to take art and theater :D (As much as I love Japanese and sensei.. I just don’t learn much in that class… and I’m afraid for Japanese 3, with kids who study, and not being able to learn enough to pass into AP. (AND WITH MY FREE SLOT SENIOR YEAR TAKE ANOTHER AP TO COMPENSATE).
Along with APs/honors/practices/schoolwork/portfolio stuff I won’t have much of an outside of school freetime/social life. Which is good for me. Free time gives me bad thoughts.
There’s so much stuff I want to do~! So little time. I’m going to try everything at least once. Junior year is supposed to be the busiest and craziest… I’m just glad I’m not taking Calculus.
With all the art classes I may make NHS and have more work to do. xD
Saturday, April 25, 2009
So maybe I can't take a joke.
But if you really knew me by now you'd realise that I have probably the lowest self esteem out of all of us.
Did you know that I used to SI because I got so depressed?
Do you know that when people call me fat I take it seriously?
I stopped eating almost completely for a week or so, when someone told me I needed to lose weight earlier this year.
The only reason I started playing sports was to get fit.
And to leave me, just begin ignoring me without a word otherwise...
Especially after how greatful I was to you for helping me conquor my fears last week.
You know what all of the males in my life have done?
Either used me and left, or have just completely cut me out.
My dad, for one. I mean, goddamnit. If you really knew how much you hurt me this week... ESPECIALLY because you sort-of left me for the one person in our "group" you KNOW I have some problems with.
Okay, maybe I am taking this too seriously. So maybe I can't take a joke. But to not say two words to me in person this entire week, you made me think I offended you somehow...
Now I see that you're just acting like that one person you dispise.
Going away, saying you don't want to hang out because of one reason or another... Then, like that person, you're going to come back and think somethings aren't going to change between us.
I loved having you as a part of my life, and regular circle of friends... I would love it if you would start talking to me again...
Most of your jokes and things I can shrug off, but this, this takes it.
Did you know that I used to SI because I got so depressed?
Do you know that when people call me fat I take it seriously?
I stopped eating almost completely for a week or so, when someone told me I needed to lose weight earlier this year.
The only reason I started playing sports was to get fit.
And to leave me, just begin ignoring me without a word otherwise...
Especially after how greatful I was to you for helping me conquor my fears last week.
You know what all of the males in my life have done?
Either used me and left, or have just completely cut me out.
My dad, for one. I mean, goddamnit. If you really knew how much you hurt me this week... ESPECIALLY because you sort-of left me for the one person in our "group" you KNOW I have some problems with.
Okay, maybe I am taking this too seriously. So maybe I can't take a joke. But to not say two words to me in person this entire week, you made me think I offended you somehow...
Now I see that you're just acting like that one person you dispise.
Going away, saying you don't want to hang out because of one reason or another... Then, like that person, you're going to come back and think somethings aren't going to change between us.
I loved having you as a part of my life, and regular circle of friends... I would love it if you would start talking to me again...
Most of your jokes and things I can shrug off, but this, this takes it.
Monday, April 20, 2009
Kings Dominion adventure :D
Woken up by Calvin at around 5:30. Went back to sleep and got out of bed at around 6:30ish. Tom didn't get me until around 8:30, we ran late at first, but he sped and got us there in almost under an hour. So we got our tickets and were off.
I conquered part of my fear of falling yesterday at KD. Those roller coasters that go upside-down, they were so freeing. I felt humiliated not going on the Beserker, being the only one not going on it (even Samantha could ride it), along with Dominator... I was terrified. I had to redeem myself in some way. So I rode the Crypt, a little ride that is sort-of supposed to demonstrate what being roasted on a spit feels like... I was gonna ride the Volcano, I was terrified of that... But it broke down while we were in line.
The Crypt: Samantha persuaded me to go up, while the guys were telling me I should stay with her, because I would freak out. I did freak at first, I almost asked the ride manager person to get me off, but I stayed on, and did a bunch of flips in the air. I screamed really loudly, but I made it out alive. What fun, what fun, I wanted to ride it again. When I got down I had double vision. @_@
After the Crypt I wanted to ride something with more loops, even though I was scared. I was psyched. I only rode one more with the upside down part though, the other one, and my favorite roller coaster so far was this indoor roller coaster called Flight of Fear. It in this HUGE building, shaped like a CIA facility out in front, but you go inside and it's this sketchy place full of boxes and caution tape. Then you get to the ride, inside a UFO??? xD
Evelina told us to watch it as they started up the ride... It starts off normal, the dudes checking seats and whatnot, but when it starts... wow. The ride manager wishes them a good trip with a mere "goodbye." Then the people zipped-off like at 70 miles per hour into this dark tunnel. It was creepy because both ends were tunnels, and both were pitch black. So I went on, sitting with Evelina. And the guy did the exact same thing to us:
"3... 2... 1... GOODBYE."
You couldn't see anything, except for the little flashes of light that illuminated up pieces of the track... Holycrap were we high up, but how amazing! When it spun us sideways I couldn't help but scream as loud as I could and grip the seat.
I think the scarest part of the whole upside down thing for me was the fact that you fall a little bit out of your seat sometimes on roller coasters... and doing that upside down??? Not for me. I didn't want to feel that at all. I didn't at all once I tried it though... So awesome.
So we ate a picnic in the car, even though the air conditioning didn't cool down enough for us, and it was hotter inside the car than outside. Tom wanted to winride anyway prizes, and face Calvin in some games, so us girls and Vincent went to find things to ride on our own. We rode a lot of the smaller stuff, and we were going to go on this standing roller coaster, but we didn't because we didn't want to leave Samantha... I was still afraid of this one, so I didn't really volunteer to go with Evelina when she said she wanted to anyway... Next time~!
When the guys came back, everyone but Calvin, Samantha and I went on Dropzone... I was NOT going to go on Dropzone, not yet. That's a lot scarier for me than going upside down. A straight-to-the-ground fall. So that's for next time too. :]
After Dropzone I saw these little Piplup plush toys. I wanted one, and I told Tom to get one for me. He traded his Pikachu toy for one and I got to keep it. :D I love my Piplup.
After thatttt... I bought a shaveice and a shirt. Then rode the wooden roller coasters and the Ricochet. Richochet was a little dull. I wanted to try it, but after I rode that level 5 coaster I thought it was stupid. At the end they decided to pull a DICK MOVE and stop the ride abruptly throwing us foreward. I liked the Rebel Yell. Bumpy ride...
Then we ended up at these water rides. It was Samantha, Tom, Evelina, and I on the Log Flume... The log flume we went on was cool, but we didn't get too wet. I don't know why, but at the end of our trip we went to the water ones. This is the best part though. The last ride was White Water Canyon. Vyanh came on this one with us too. We got in this little boat and rode it down a choppy river. We got splashed so much. By the end of it we were all wet, Samantha was drenched, and worried about her cast so she got off. But the rest of us decided to go on it again.
And again...
And again...
And once more after that. :D
Five times.. I think the people were getting mad at us for riding so much. But we all had funnn.
We were done after the fifth time, and headed on home. We sang some more songs and slept, and saw elephants??? I guess the circus must have been leavin town or something. We were driving, and then saw a huge thing of cop cars. Thinking it was a checkpoint we thought we might've been in a little bit of trouble. But then there were these HUGE crowds of people walking across the street. And we saw elephants and horses and more people! How odd... xD
I got home a few minutes after nine... Tired... So nothing happened after that. But what a fun and exciting adventure.
I'M GONNA RIDE ANACONDA AND DOMINATOR NEXT.
Dropzone... I dunno. =X
Thank you Tom.
Thank you guys :]
Love always
CLT: As a kid I wasn't desensitized to heights or climbing... So I get freaked when it comes to that stuff. Spiders? Water? Blood? Heh, all that I can deal with. I feel like a kid all over again when I'm getting over that fear...
I conquered part of my fear of falling yesterday at KD. Those roller coasters that go upside-down, they were so freeing. I felt humiliated not going on the Beserker, being the only one not going on it (even Samantha could ride it), along with Dominator... I was terrified. I had to redeem myself in some way. So I rode the Crypt, a little ride that is sort-of supposed to demonstrate what being roasted on a spit feels like... I was gonna ride the Volcano, I was terrified of that... But it broke down while we were in line.
The Crypt: Samantha persuaded me to go up, while the guys were telling me I should stay with her, because I would freak out. I did freak at first, I almost asked the ride manager person to get me off, but I stayed on, and did a bunch of flips in the air. I screamed really loudly, but I made it out alive. What fun, what fun, I wanted to ride it again. When I got down I had double vision. @_@
After the Crypt I wanted to ride something with more loops, even though I was scared. I was psyched. I only rode one more with the upside down part though, the other one, and my favorite roller coaster so far was this indoor roller coaster called Flight of Fear. It in this HUGE building, shaped like a CIA facility out in front, but you go inside and it's this sketchy place full of boxes and caution tape. Then you get to the ride, inside a UFO??? xD
Evelina told us to watch it as they started up the ride... It starts off normal, the dudes checking seats and whatnot, but when it starts... wow. The ride manager wishes them a good trip with a mere "goodbye." Then the people zipped-off like at 70 miles per hour into this dark tunnel. It was creepy because both ends were tunnels, and both were pitch black. So I went on, sitting with Evelina. And the guy did the exact same thing to us:
"3... 2... 1... GOODBYE."
You couldn't see anything, except for the little flashes of light that illuminated up pieces of the track... Holycrap were we high up, but how amazing! When it spun us sideways I couldn't help but scream as loud as I could and grip the seat.
I think the scarest part of the whole upside down thing for me was the fact that you fall a little bit out of your seat sometimes on roller coasters... and doing that upside down??? Not for me. I didn't want to feel that at all. I didn't at all once I tried it though... So awesome.
So we ate a picnic in the car, even though the air conditioning didn't cool down enough for us, and it was hotter inside the car than outside. Tom wanted to winride anyway prizes, and face Calvin in some games, so us girls and Vincent went to find things to ride on our own. We rode a lot of the smaller stuff, and we were going to go on this standing roller coaster, but we didn't because we didn't want to leave Samantha... I was still afraid of this one, so I didn't really volunteer to go with Evelina when she said she wanted to anyway... Next time~!
When the guys came back, everyone but Calvin, Samantha and I went on Dropzone... I was NOT going to go on Dropzone, not yet. That's a lot scarier for me than going upside down. A straight-to-the-ground fall. So that's for next time too. :]
After Dropzone I saw these little Piplup plush toys. I wanted one, and I told Tom to get one for me. He traded his Pikachu toy for one and I got to keep it. :D I love my Piplup.
After thatttt... I bought a shaveice and a shirt. Then rode the wooden roller coasters and the Ricochet. Richochet was a little dull. I wanted to try it, but after I rode that level 5 coaster I thought it was stupid. At the end they decided to pull a DICK MOVE and stop the ride abruptly throwing us foreward. I liked the Rebel Yell. Bumpy ride...
Then we ended up at these water rides. It was Samantha, Tom, Evelina, and I on the Log Flume... The log flume we went on was cool, but we didn't get too wet. I don't know why, but at the end of our trip we went to the water ones. This is the best part though. The last ride was White Water Canyon. Vyanh came on this one with us too. We got in this little boat and rode it down a choppy river. We got splashed so much. By the end of it we were all wet, Samantha was drenched, and worried about her cast so she got off. But the rest of us decided to go on it again.
And again...
And again...
And once more after that. :D
Five times.. I think the people were getting mad at us for riding so much. But we all had funnn.
We were done after the fifth time, and headed on home. We sang some more songs and slept, and saw elephants??? I guess the circus must have been leavin town or something. We were driving, and then saw a huge thing of cop cars. Thinking it was a checkpoint we thought we might've been in a little bit of trouble. But then there were these HUGE crowds of people walking across the street. And we saw elephants and horses and more people! How odd... xD
I got home a few minutes after nine... Tired... So nothing happened after that. But what a fun and exciting adventure.
I'M GONNA RIDE ANACONDA AND DOMINATOR NEXT.
Dropzone... I dunno. =X
Thank you Tom.
Thank you guys :]
Love always
CLT: As a kid I wasn't desensitized to heights or climbing... So I get freaked when it comes to that stuff. Spiders? Water? Blood? Heh, all that I can deal with. I feel like a kid all over again when I'm getting over that fear...
Saturday, April 18, 2009
April showers.
OKAY~ I'm here postiing about April, a month full of crazyness and wonder and excitement. I'm posting because Calvin says I neglect this blog, and I do... So thanks for the reminder, Calvini.
April has been a crazy fun month, at least spring break/last week has. What adventure and insanity.
I'm gonna skip the school time and go to the fun stuff :D
Starting off with spring break, because that's what happened first, heh.
After all the edgyness and tense feelings of the week before spring break, it was ushered in, and the adventures were on. Friday through sunday were interesting, and i loved my alone time on Monday and Tuesday. I got to go to Unique! I bought books and two shirts there. I got new headphones, too. Ones that won't break on me. I feel naked without them now, and I think I might go deaf soon because of them. But I love them <3
The rest of my week was interesting, to say the least. I met a new friend~! His name is Ananta. He definitely got off on the wrong foot with everyone, with his whole "loving" Samantha (Vo) thing, but he's chill. :]
The DBZ movie was terrible...SEQUEL? LOL.
I spent a morning with Josh which was nice, too. We need that alone time together to make it work. I want it to work, he's so sweet and awesome to me, but I don't know... I just don't know about him and me.
A week of school later, and Tyler's fun party :D
Now tomorrow. but more on those two subjects later ^^
April has been a crazy fun month, at least spring break/last week has. What adventure and insanity.
I'm gonna skip the school time and go to the fun stuff :D
Starting off with spring break, because that's what happened first, heh.
After all the edgyness and tense feelings of the week before spring break, it was ushered in, and the adventures were on. Friday through sunday were interesting, and i loved my alone time on Monday and Tuesday. I got to go to Unique! I bought books and two shirts there. I got new headphones, too. Ones that won't break on me. I feel naked without them now, and I think I might go deaf soon because of them. But I love them <3
The rest of my week was interesting, to say the least. I met a new friend~! His name is Ananta. He definitely got off on the wrong foot with everyone, with his whole "loving" Samantha (Vo) thing, but he's chill. :]
The DBZ movie was terrible...SEQUEL? LOL.
I spent a morning with Josh which was nice, too. We need that alone time together to make it work. I want it to work, he's so sweet and awesome to me, but I don't know... I just don't know about him and me.
A week of school later, and Tyler's fun party :D
Now tomorrow. but more on those two subjects later ^^
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Cat's out of the bag.
So I've been with this guy, Josh, for about three weeks now. I don't know why I haven't said anything about him to anyone but the lacrosse team... He's where I go before practice.
I can't say I'm not attracted to him on some level. But there's a part of me that doesn't want to be with anyone at all. He's such a nice guy, he's treated me better than any one guy has at all. I'm just unsure about where I stand.
Unsure is one word for it.
I just don't want any attatchments.
As for never blogging anymore... That's not going to happen. I don't blog as a way to tell people what they want to hear, or what I want to tell them. I do it because I need a space to vent, and to be, without my mother digging through my things and uncovering a notebook or whatever. But I am aware that this is public, and on the internet. That's why I have a private one too ;]
I feel bad about being rude to someone.. But there's nothing more I can say to them to make our tension go away... So right now, I can't help it. I'm a terrible person, I know, I'm sorry... For everything, you know who you are. And I'm saying that and not trying to sound like a psycho. xDD
Blahblahblah.
Last thing I want to say:
Life is good, for me right now.
I think life is going well, for the first time in a while, almost through and through.
So let's get tie up the loose ends, and get things the way theyr'e supposed to be. :D
I can't say I'm not attracted to him on some level. But there's a part of me that doesn't want to be with anyone at all. He's such a nice guy, he's treated me better than any one guy has at all. I'm just unsure about where I stand.
Unsure is one word for it.
I just don't want any attatchments.
As for never blogging anymore... That's not going to happen. I don't blog as a way to tell people what they want to hear, or what I want to tell them. I do it because I need a space to vent, and to be, without my mother digging through my things and uncovering a notebook or whatever. But I am aware that this is public, and on the internet. That's why I have a private one too ;]
I feel bad about being rude to someone.. But there's nothing more I can say to them to make our tension go away... So right now, I can't help it. I'm a terrible person, I know, I'm sorry... For everything, you know who you are. And I'm saying that and not trying to sound like a psycho. xDD
Blahblahblah.
Last thing I want to say:
Life is good, for me right now.
I think life is going well, for the first time in a while, almost through and through.
So let's get tie up the loose ends, and get things the way theyr'e supposed to be. :D
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
going a mile a minute
Watson told me I "shouldn't have a B in his class" because I have talent. I don't think I have talent. I don't think I have anything worth using or working with for the future. I want to go to art school because I would die in an office job. I want to learn, but I can't make myself feel better about it. I'm so annoyed with myself and my stupid impashence.
There are quite a few thigns that are getting on my nerves lately. One being noise. I want to cry when it get so loud I can't think straight. Another being my friends.. Just the little things people say get me heated. Some of it has been going on for a while now though, talking about the great accomplishments and all that... Then saying their lives suck.
Right now I kind of just want to hang around with my guy friends, the not-asian ones... I need a change, and I need some time away, just like Tom.
I can't think straight period.
I've saved $150... For summer's big trips: NY and Otakon. But I'm going to be spending some of it this weekend either at the mall or Sakura Matsuri.
My goal is to only spend at most $15-20 every week. But I want to buy some summer dresses and stuff. I'm also considering hair extentions? And then there's the SLR I want... I'm so bad with money...
My mother might get me a job as a nanny over the summer working with her boss's nieces/nephews. 50 dollars a day for 4 kids. not bad. Apparently the oldest is 9 or 10 so I won't be too overwhelmed. But the youngest is 4... A girl. And they're all apparently lacking in the kiddie manners department (please, thank-you, burping... how do i correct that? What do i do??).
I'm afraid of cooking for them.
I'm not too bad with kids, I don't think... Four though.... Even though they're supposed to be very active and want to just hang at the pool all day, I'm nervous about watching them all. But it'll be a good source of income, and a good reference for next year's college stuff.
seniorits is effecting everyone... I want summer. I want out of here.
There are quite a few thigns that are getting on my nerves lately. One being noise. I want to cry when it get so loud I can't think straight. Another being my friends.. Just the little things people say get me heated. Some of it has been going on for a while now though, talking about the great accomplishments and all that... Then saying their lives suck.
Right now I kind of just want to hang around with my guy friends, the not-asian ones... I need a change, and I need some time away, just like Tom.
I can't think straight period.
I've saved $150... For summer's big trips: NY and Otakon. But I'm going to be spending some of it this weekend either at the mall or Sakura Matsuri.
My goal is to only spend at most $15-20 every week. But I want to buy some summer dresses and stuff. I'm also considering hair extentions? And then there's the SLR I want... I'm so bad with money...
My mother might get me a job as a nanny over the summer working with her boss's nieces/nephews. 50 dollars a day for 4 kids. not bad. Apparently the oldest is 9 or 10 so I won't be too overwhelmed. But the youngest is 4... A girl. And they're all apparently lacking in the kiddie manners department (please, thank-you, burping... how do i correct that? What do i do??).
I'm afraid of cooking for them.
I'm not too bad with kids, I don't think... Four though.... Even though they're supposed to be very active and want to just hang at the pool all day, I'm nervous about watching them all. But it'll be a good source of income, and a good reference for next year's college stuff.
seniorits is effecting everyone... I want summer. I want out of here.
Monday, March 30, 2009
Let's sing~
And forget our troubles.
Some good ol'fashoned KARAOKE :D
No afterward planning, no adventures, let's singstar and eat pineapple upside-down cake till our parents worry about us, calling frantically.
Fuck crews and adventures.
Let's just have fun, with each other.
While we still can.
Rock out with our c*cks out.
This isn't all just wishful thinking~
I believe in us.
I hope I'm not the only one.
And forget our troubles.
Some good ol'fashoned KARAOKE :D
No afterward planning, no adventures, let's singstar and eat pineapple upside-down cake till our parents worry about us, calling frantically.
Fuck crews and adventures.
Let's just have fun, with each other.
While we still can.
Rock out with our c*cks out.
This isn't all just wishful thinking~
I believe in us.
I hope I'm not the only one.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
We all know yesterday was fail. I'm sorry I couldn't plan something out better... I just wanted to go out and hang out. I wasn't expecting someting like what went down yesterday...
I'm sorry I'm indecisive, just like you guys are.
But you have to admit, singing disney songs and running about for the first few hours were fun.
We're all just sleep deprived, and angry things didn't go the way we wanted them to... No point in blaming anyone. No point in pointing fingers. No point in conflict.
Just breathe.
We'll look at this and laugh later.
Next weekend, we won't fail >:]
NY~!
Hopefully NY will be like another AC trip, but with more people. :D
I'm psyched.
Love always <3
CLT: I'm drained right now, emotionally. I get like that after a while. I blame spring fever. So if I'm acting mean or rude or have a short fuse... Bare with me till Friday. I'll feel better with a hot bath and some time alone.
I'm sorry I'm indecisive, just like you guys are.
But you have to admit, singing disney songs and running about for the first few hours were fun.
We're all just sleep deprived, and angry things didn't go the way we wanted them to... No point in blaming anyone. No point in pointing fingers. No point in conflict.
Just breathe.
We'll look at this and laugh later.
Next weekend, we won't fail >:]
NY~!
Hopefully NY will be like another AC trip, but with more people. :D
I'm psyched.
Love always <3
CLT: I'm drained right now, emotionally. I get like that after a while. I blame spring fever. So if I'm acting mean or rude or have a short fuse... Bare with me till Friday. I'll feel better with a hot bath and some time alone.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
i hate guys.. i really do.
I don't know if I should be acting like this around him.. It's not right.
I want to be single, especially by Otacon.. Knowing me, something is going to happen, romantically; either at the rave, or with people while we're in the hotel... Or with Anna's group if they come.
I'm just not the kind of girl who can be tied down, not yet.
Aside from all that, life is good... Minimal drama, life is going back to the way it's supposed to be. =]
I don't know if I should be acting like this around him.. It's not right.
I want to be single, especially by Otacon.. Knowing me, something is going to happen, romantically; either at the rave, or with people while we're in the hotel... Or with Anna's group if they come.
I'm just not the kind of girl who can be tied down, not yet.
Aside from all that, life is good... Minimal drama, life is going back to the way it's supposed to be. =]
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Same people every fucking time.
"But I don't UNDERSTANDDDDDD why she doesn't like me."
Maybe it's because, uh, you're an insincere, cocky, attention-whoring, hypocryte?
I've bitten my tongue for the longest fucking time.
It's time I stopped biting it.
Someone tell Tammy to shut her ass up or me and Fathya are definitely considering walking..
Not to be cocky, but have fun playing with 2 subs.
She even told Sokol to Chill Out.
She's fucking lucky she hasn't gotten cut.
Heres hoping she does...
Jenny and Keleigh might have to be moved down.
I'm so angry at her...
She destracts the practice, and starts drama, then denys it.
And she told Sokol what I said to her.
And to be honest, I don't think Sokol likes her either.
Heh... I bite my tongue at her all the time.
I'm almost ready to pop.
It's all her fault I'm so angry right now.
Heh... as always.
My mind is so foggy with anger that I can't even type right.
SHUT-UP ABOUT MY GRAMMAR/SPELLING.
I'M ANGRYY.... >:[
"But I don't UNDERSTANDDDDDD why she doesn't like me."
Maybe it's because, uh, you're an insincere, cocky, attention-whoring, hypocryte?
I've bitten my tongue for the longest fucking time.
It's time I stopped biting it.
Someone tell Tammy to shut her ass up or me and Fathya are definitely considering walking..
Not to be cocky, but have fun playing with 2 subs.
She even told Sokol to Chill Out.
She's fucking lucky she hasn't gotten cut.
Heres hoping she does...
Jenny and Keleigh might have to be moved down.
I'm so angry at her...
She destracts the practice, and starts drama, then denys it.
And she told Sokol what I said to her.
And to be honest, I don't think Sokol likes her either.
Heh... I bite my tongue at her all the time.
I'm almost ready to pop.
It's all her fault I'm so angry right now.
Heh... as always.
My mind is so foggy with anger that I can't even type right.
SHUT-UP ABOUT MY GRAMMAR/SPELLING.
I'M ANGRYY.... >:[
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
One Year, Three Days attempt 2
Kayso.. I was going to write this on my tumblr.. But midwriting, the screen changed to the tumblr home screen? I love the blogger, for the draft feature, I couldn't recover the 1st draft for some reason. -_-
One year ago I was pure, unexposed to the world of drugs and sex. I was a freshman, My first makeout kiss was with a guy I barely knew, shared on the top floor of the mall parking lot, early September. My mind never chrossed the subjects of drugs, sex, miscarriages, precalculus, field hockey, and all that jazz. I had met Trish, Tom, Vincent, Daniel and Jim, all my now-senior friends, along with people a little older like Amy, Val, and Jade. We all bonded quite strongly and quickly. By this time I had already come out as bisexual, one of my final secrets to my closest friends (not yet to my mother). No questions or anything had been asked, but yes, I'm out of the closet.
I had Samantha, Vy-anh, Leah and Liz; but Tyler was my closest friend. We talked about everything, no matter what. The most daring thing we had done before was sneaking into Sweeney Todd. My passtimes included arguing Mrs. Bellamy in Biology, and walking round my neighborhood, and just being with friends. No idea of the world lurking so close to me. I met Julio about a year ago today.. and we all know where that went. I lost my viriginity to a taken guy, two years older than me in the back of his car. A memory that has plagued me since then has been Mimi saying, almost three days after the incident: "Bed, floor, or shower, those are the best places to lose it, but a car? That's just whorish." I have no idea if that was directed at me, but it still echoes. It's taken me this long to get rid of him, but he's gone, and I feel liberated. Drugs became part of my life around the time Jessica did; my first taste of weed came on my balcony with Jess and Chelsea, not too much later than Julio. Jess and I... That's another story. Our friendship has wained and waxed like the phases of the moon; becoming full and strong when it can be, but fades away just as quick, sadly. I miss her, and all of the firsts I had with her.
Through Jess I met Ven and Jeremiah, my boys, my Manassas family consisted of them and Jessica. Ven my babyboy, and Jeremiah my first love. Always there for me, yet carrying enough baggage for ten people. They taught me to roll with whatever comes my way, and to take in all who need help. They took me in as one of their own, the Wendy to their Lost Boys. My heart goes out to them, and what they endure on a daily basis. The abuse, the hurt, and the pain that is masked by their choices to do drugs and steal cars, fight and drink. No matter where life takes them, my heart still longs for the bonds I had with my boys. J, I never blamed you for the kid, or losing it... To this day I wait for you, J, to fucking call me back, or give me a number. Vinvin, we're getting that apartment, and those tacos.
Summer came and I was restless, switching from schoolwork and lacrosse to doing drugs. My first real drink of alcohol came at a party constructed by a senior friend. The world had been exposed to me, even after all of the comments about college being the place for firsts when I had had my first tastes of alcohol, weed, and sex before my sixteenth birthday. Infamous summer 08 as I call it was in full swing. Parties, sleepovers every night, Atlantic City, freedom. That closeness we shared and the newness of it all made it feel like nothing could stop us.
Drugs come into play October seventh, the day after my birthday, I had my first hits of extacy. I play field hockey at the time, my first season, and all of the cravings for more soonafter seem to phase my psychological performance. More parties come, getting caught, hooking-up. The life I wish I could live unfortunately involved these things. Not because of the illegal activity, but because of how close we were. Willing to open our homes, minds, hearts, wallets, bodies, and lives to new people and experiences. When I think of that summer/the end of 08, I think of the love we had for each other, and the love for adventure and excitement. Like Vy-anh I begin to tear when I hear those playlists and stories from that summer.
It's 09 now and I'm almost finished with sophomore year. New people have come into my life, like everyone's favorite russian, Evelina Voronina; and the freshmen: Tina, Hannah and Alina. Other people have somehow gotten sucked into the mix like Robert and David, who I can't imagine life without now, either; they're part of our little crew right now, so animosity aside, I love them too <3
I can't say life is sweet and good now, like last year was, but back then, I thought life sucked too. Only by looking back do we appreciate what we had.
Right now I'm reaching my goal of 100 days of sobriety (just to prove I can make it... nearly 30 left ^^), and I'm celebate. My days of SIing have almost gone away as well...
Like any teenage girl I'm looking foreward to summer 2009. This is our last year with the Senior class of 09, and with Vy-anh and Jason who aren't going to be around much after this school year is over. Calvin has already left us, and Liz has transferred. Tyler's also gone, and Mimi left before this year even started! She's now moving to Texas...
Three days from now I wish to leave this funk mood I am in, and the person I have been striving to be all of 2009, a person free from the anger that holds me down, someone who can live a day without correcting someone, or regretting. I also promise that by three days from now I will not have neglected this blog, or the group of people I hold dear.
These are the times of our lives my friends...
Let's make the most of them.
if you read this then write your own story, One year ago till today. then include what you want to do 3 days from today. and paste this at the end of your blog so everyone else can do it.
Love always ~<3
One year ago I was pure, unexposed to the world of drugs and sex. I was a freshman, My first makeout kiss was with a guy I barely knew, shared on the top floor of the mall parking lot, early September. My mind never chrossed the subjects of drugs, sex, miscarriages, precalculus, field hockey, and all that jazz. I had met Trish, Tom, Vincent, Daniel and Jim, all my now-senior friends, along with people a little older like Amy, Val, and Jade. We all bonded quite strongly and quickly. By this time I had already come out as bisexual, one of my final secrets to my closest friends (not yet to my mother). No questions or anything had been asked, but yes, I'm out of the closet.
I had Samantha, Vy-anh, Leah and Liz; but Tyler was my closest friend. We talked about everything, no matter what. The most daring thing we had done before was sneaking into Sweeney Todd. My passtimes included arguing Mrs. Bellamy in Biology, and walking round my neighborhood, and just being with friends. No idea of the world lurking so close to me. I met Julio about a year ago today.. and we all know where that went. I lost my viriginity to a taken guy, two years older than me in the back of his car. A memory that has plagued me since then has been Mimi saying, almost three days after the incident: "Bed, floor, or shower, those are the best places to lose it, but a car? That's just whorish." I have no idea if that was directed at me, but it still echoes. It's taken me this long to get rid of him, but he's gone, and I feel liberated. Drugs became part of my life around the time Jessica did; my first taste of weed came on my balcony with Jess and Chelsea, not too much later than Julio. Jess and I... That's another story. Our friendship has wained and waxed like the phases of the moon; becoming full and strong when it can be, but fades away just as quick, sadly. I miss her, and all of the firsts I had with her.
Through Jess I met Ven and Jeremiah, my boys, my Manassas family consisted of them and Jessica. Ven my babyboy, and Jeremiah my first love. Always there for me, yet carrying enough baggage for ten people. They taught me to roll with whatever comes my way, and to take in all who need help. They took me in as one of their own, the Wendy to their Lost Boys. My heart goes out to them, and what they endure on a daily basis. The abuse, the hurt, and the pain that is masked by their choices to do drugs and steal cars, fight and drink. No matter where life takes them, my heart still longs for the bonds I had with my boys. J, I never blamed you for the kid, or losing it... To this day I wait for you, J, to fucking call me back, or give me a number. Vinvin, we're getting that apartment, and those tacos.
Summer came and I was restless, switching from schoolwork and lacrosse to doing drugs. My first real drink of alcohol came at a party constructed by a senior friend. The world had been exposed to me, even after all of the comments about college being the place for firsts when I had had my first tastes of alcohol, weed, and sex before my sixteenth birthday. Infamous summer 08 as I call it was in full swing. Parties, sleepovers every night, Atlantic City, freedom. That closeness we shared and the newness of it all made it feel like nothing could stop us.
Drugs come into play October seventh, the day after my birthday, I had my first hits of extacy. I play field hockey at the time, my first season, and all of the cravings for more soonafter seem to phase my psychological performance. More parties come, getting caught, hooking-up. The life I wish I could live unfortunately involved these things. Not because of the illegal activity, but because of how close we were. Willing to open our homes, minds, hearts, wallets, bodies, and lives to new people and experiences. When I think of that summer/the end of 08, I think of the love we had for each other, and the love for adventure and excitement. Like Vy-anh I begin to tear when I hear those playlists and stories from that summer.
It's 09 now and I'm almost finished with sophomore year. New people have come into my life, like everyone's favorite russian, Evelina Voronina; and the freshmen: Tina, Hannah and Alina. Other people have somehow gotten sucked into the mix like Robert and David, who I can't imagine life without now, either; they're part of our little crew right now, so animosity aside, I love them too <3
I can't say life is sweet and good now, like last year was, but back then, I thought life sucked too. Only by looking back do we appreciate what we had.
Right now I'm reaching my goal of 100 days of sobriety (just to prove I can make it... nearly 30 left ^^), and I'm celebate. My days of SIing have almost gone away as well...
Like any teenage girl I'm looking foreward to summer 2009. This is our last year with the Senior class of 09, and with Vy-anh and Jason who aren't going to be around much after this school year is over. Calvin has already left us, and Liz has transferred. Tyler's also gone, and Mimi left before this year even started! She's now moving to Texas...
Three days from now I wish to leave this funk mood I am in, and the person I have been striving to be all of 2009, a person free from the anger that holds me down, someone who can live a day without correcting someone, or regretting. I also promise that by three days from now I will not have neglected this blog, or the group of people I hold dear.
These are the times of our lives my friends...
Let's make the most of them.
if you read this then write your own story, One year ago till today. then include what you want to do 3 days from today. and paste this at the end of your blog so everyone else can do it.
Love always ~<3
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Happy birthday Sam~ <3
Yesterday was interesting, to say the least.
I woke up a five, and hit the snooze till five fourty-five, hoping I could still sleep in on a Saturday (I get up at 5 on weekdays to shower). Got to Samantha's at seven, and we rehearsed for the presentation.
Our silly, random, skit won first place in our division.
Which felt pretty cool, not the recognition part (we all thought that we'd get third or something, not first) so much as the fact that I could spend all that time with my friends, basically fooling around trying to rehearse, and get rewarded.
Alina, Samantha, Evelina and I laughed pretty much the whole time we presented it to Sensei, and when we were rehearsing at Sam's. I don't know how we pulled it off, but we did it.
Then there was the Dare Day adventure.
I think I would've been more into it if I hadn't been awake so early, and been so wiped out from sitting all day.
I'm glad Alina was my partener, we were both exhausted and grumpy so about halfway through it we decided to not be bitches about the whole thing, let everyone else have their fun, and just go get Subway.
I wish we could've spent the whole day in Alexandria...
It's so pretty, with the harbor and the shops and stuff.
After we got back into our neighborhood area we went to Vincent's. By now Earvin, and Alina had gone home and Eve had to stay home after the competition; so it was Jansen, Vy-anh, Samantha, Vincent, Amy and I, and then Huy and his girlfriend came up.
The cake was delicious.
I was so exhausted I ended up passing out on Vincent's comfy couch wrapped in a blanket.
I didn't get to say happy birthday and midnight. Dx
But I'm glad I had that little powernap.
Vy-anh and I talked for a while last night, about love and life, and about infamous summer 08.
How free we were and how we could take life with whatever it threw at us.
Going places, going to parties, getting high, shopping, not caring, the close bonds we all had together.
Look at our group right now, nearly a year later.
Earvin has been almost completely cut-out.
Someone is always causing drama, or being blamed for causing it.
We're all so distant.
I miss the liberating freedom we had over the summer.
The fact that we could all get along, no matter the situation.
How we found fun, wherever we were..
We didn't need to plan, we relied solely on our desires, and we just did what we wanted.
I miss those days too you know.
09 summer BETTER be that much fun... or I'm transferring to Marshall or Annandale, our friendships and stuff get worse this summer, I'm transferring for sure.
I can't sit by and watch it die.
I woke up a five, and hit the snooze till five fourty-five, hoping I could still sleep in on a Saturday (I get up at 5 on weekdays to shower). Got to Samantha's at seven, and we rehearsed for the presentation.
Our silly, random, skit won first place in our division.
Which felt pretty cool, not the recognition part (we all thought that we'd get third or something, not first) so much as the fact that I could spend all that time with my friends, basically fooling around trying to rehearse, and get rewarded.
Alina, Samantha, Evelina and I laughed pretty much the whole time we presented it to Sensei, and when we were rehearsing at Sam's. I don't know how we pulled it off, but we did it.
Then there was the Dare Day adventure.
I think I would've been more into it if I hadn't been awake so early, and been so wiped out from sitting all day.
I'm glad Alina was my partener, we were both exhausted and grumpy so about halfway through it we decided to not be bitches about the whole thing, let everyone else have their fun, and just go get Subway.
I wish we could've spent the whole day in Alexandria...
It's so pretty, with the harbor and the shops and stuff.
After we got back into our neighborhood area we went to Vincent's. By now Earvin, and Alina had gone home and Eve had to stay home after the competition; so it was Jansen, Vy-anh, Samantha, Vincent, Amy and I, and then Huy and his girlfriend came up.
The cake was delicious.
I was so exhausted I ended up passing out on Vincent's comfy couch wrapped in a blanket.
I didn't get to say happy birthday and midnight. Dx
But I'm glad I had that little powernap.
Vy-anh and I talked for a while last night, about love and life, and about infamous summer 08.
How free we were and how we could take life with whatever it threw at us.
Going places, going to parties, getting high, shopping, not caring, the close bonds we all had together.
Look at our group right now, nearly a year later.
Earvin has been almost completely cut-out.
Someone is always causing drama, or being blamed for causing it.
We're all so distant.
I miss the liberating freedom we had over the summer.
The fact that we could all get along, no matter the situation.
How we found fun, wherever we were..
We didn't need to plan, we relied solely on our desires, and we just did what we wanted.
I miss those days too you know.
09 summer BETTER be that much fun... or I'm transferring to Marshall or Annandale, our friendships and stuff get worse this summer, I'm transferring for sure.
I can't sit by and watch it die.
Monday, March 2, 2009
Hair and frostwire.
I finally got frostwire to work :]]]
My laptop doesn't need anything else, it's perfect, absolutely perfect.
I'd love to get Left 4 Dead though... xD
I'm psyched to see Samantha's hair, I'm getting a haircut next weekend, I'm determined.
I want a dye job (hilights?).. I've stopped taking care of my hair I'm so tired of it xD
I want it to grow but I need to trim/style it so it's healthier again :]
Maybe if the scrimmage is cancelled I can get it done tomorrow?
My laptop doesn't need anything else, it's perfect, absolutely perfect.
I'd love to get Left 4 Dead though... xD
I'm psyched to see Samantha's hair, I'm getting a haircut next weekend, I'm determined.
I want a dye job (hilights?).. I've stopped taking care of my hair I'm so tired of it xD
I want it to grow but I need to trim/style it so it's healthier again :]
Maybe if the scrimmage is cancelled I can get it done tomorrow?
Well, I knew I would make the JV team. But I'm still unsure about where I stand on it.
I ran the mile, and finished though :D
Dulce, of all people, encouaged me.
When she couldn't finish, I helped her through it as well ^^
That felt good, working as a team and all, and we have a goalie!!! But the season hasn't even started and the same damn people are causing drama.
I mean, goddamnit. We lost Mandy to the drama... She was good, catching on quick.
We need to leave the drama off the field.
And wth... Taking Vickie's goggles and replacing them with the older pair?
First come, first served, I mean, at least ask if you want new ones.
What really pisses me off is the fact that everybody is fucking around while coach is talking.
Yeah, she can't coach, and she's not the best teacher... But she's all we have.
And if you're on a team, you should be at least somewhat self-motivated to do well, even if she drones on and on sometimes... It's worse than Field Hockey with coach G here...
NOT everybody found someone's striptease on the goal amusing >>
Vy-anh and Jansen have Tumblrs now... I've looked at all the layouts, they're much prettier than blogger's, and it's a little bit more organized. Should I follow the croud??? Hm..
My only problem is that I've had this blog for a year now, and I don't really want to forget about this, a lot of archiving has gone on in this. =\
I feel a lot better than I did around this time last week.
Jansen and Patu, thanks :]
My oppinions on some things have changed, and I don't understand why I didn't see this stuff before.
After all that stuff they said, why are they talking to me? I haven't imed/called since. THEY HAVE.
I've been bitchy to them for the past week now, do they not realize it? Heh, I kind of want them to go away right now, but if they feel like talking to me, I'll just be a bitch till they realize it. What an asshole.
"My immature mind can't take your mature logic"
"Sorry, my life is full, I have friends and lacrosse practice, you should go get one, a life I mean."
I'm such a bitch <3
Snow days are so pretty...
Outside my window the snow falls,
yet it's not really falling...
They look as if they're just hanging there... floating up and down.
Hanging suspended,
Though the ground is all white.
Grr.. that janitorial service.
Waking me up at 7AM with their sidewalk scraping.
CLT: My passion for art and photography is waining.. But all my electives and classes for next year are centered around it. Hopefully I find it again.
I ran the mile, and finished though :D
Dulce, of all people, encouaged me.
When she couldn't finish, I helped her through it as well ^^
That felt good, working as a team and all, and we have a goalie!!! But the season hasn't even started and the same damn people are causing drama.
I mean, goddamnit. We lost Mandy to the drama... She was good, catching on quick.
We need to leave the drama off the field.
And wth... Taking Vickie's goggles and replacing them with the older pair?
First come, first served, I mean, at least ask if you want new ones.
What really pisses me off is the fact that everybody is fucking around while coach is talking.
Yeah, she can't coach, and she's not the best teacher... But she's all we have.
And if you're on a team, you should be at least somewhat self-motivated to do well, even if she drones on and on sometimes... It's worse than Field Hockey with coach G here...
NOT everybody found someone's striptease on the goal amusing >>
Vy-anh and Jansen have Tumblrs now... I've looked at all the layouts, they're much prettier than blogger's, and it's a little bit more organized. Should I follow the croud??? Hm..
My only problem is that I've had this blog for a year now, and I don't really want to forget about this, a lot of archiving has gone on in this. =\
I feel a lot better than I did around this time last week.
Jansen and Patu, thanks :]
My oppinions on some things have changed, and I don't understand why I didn't see this stuff before.
After all that stuff they said, why are they talking to me? I haven't imed/called since. THEY HAVE.
I've been bitchy to them for the past week now, do they not realize it? Heh, I kind of want them to go away right now, but if they feel like talking to me, I'll just be a bitch till they realize it. What an asshole.
"My immature mind can't take your mature logic"
"Sorry, my life is full, I have friends and lacrosse practice, you should go get one, a life I mean."
I'm such a bitch <3
Snow days are so pretty...
Outside my window the snow falls,
yet it's not really falling...
They look as if they're just hanging there... floating up and down.
Hanging suspended,
Though the ground is all white.
Grr.. that janitorial service.
Waking me up at 7AM with their sidewalk scraping.
CLT: My passion for art and photography is waining.. But all my electives and classes for next year are centered around it. Hopefully I find it again.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Heart.
This lacrosse practice was possibly the worst I've ever attended. After running a lap, and doing shuttles, we run the dreaded mile. My anxiety always acts up during the mile... I couldn't finish.
I couldn't throw, or catch correctly... My hands were shaking, and I was on the verge of tears. I told Bridget about how I felt, and Hannah, they were encouraging... Sort-of.. My mind was set on quitting, I was so out of it.
(This was tuesday)
Wednesday...
I'm not as enthusiastic as I should be about lax... The previous day making me want to quit.
Well, practicing with the sticks was a lot better than running... I can't stand running. But Sokol's practices are always BS because the same people won't listen or shut up... Then, when we were working on Defense drills, we didn't do ANYTHING half the time we were supposed to. Sokol took so long to come to our groups that we had started doing quicksticks. Then she bitched about us doing quicksticks when she wanted us to stand at the ready for 5 minutes each.
And guess who started drama again???? :]]
If this is the way this season is going to be, I don't know if I want to play or not.
Thursday...
I'm not good enough for varsity... I don't have the perserverance, the stamina, or the skill to be moved up, not yet. I don't really want to have our JV team act like it/we did last year... I told Coach that if I came back today I would probably come back for the whole season.. Yesterday's practice was so like, unexplanable, I didn't get anything out of it... I just felt like I was in class again, not playing a sport or something. Last practice didn't give me much to go on. We're running the mile again today, I hope I do well..
When it comes to miles, or games, or anything timed... I end up shutting down.
I get an anxiety attack, and after I finish running, you can tell, I'm out.
I just
shut
Down.
Then I had to work on a drill with Trang/Grace...
I felt like a disgrace...
I couldn't throw, or catch correctly... My hands were shaking, and I was on the verge of tears. I told Bridget about how I felt, and Hannah, they were encouraging... Sort-of.. My mind was set on quitting, I was so out of it.
(This was tuesday)
Wednesday...
I'm not as enthusiastic as I should be about lax... The previous day making me want to quit.
Well, practicing with the sticks was a lot better than running... I can't stand running. But Sokol's practices are always BS because the same people won't listen or shut up... Then, when we were working on Defense drills, we didn't do ANYTHING half the time we were supposed to. Sokol took so long to come to our groups that we had started doing quicksticks. Then she bitched about us doing quicksticks when she wanted us to stand at the ready for 5 minutes each.
If this is the way this season is going to be, I don't know if I want to play or not.
Thursday...
I'm not good enough for varsity... I don't have the perserverance, the stamina, or the skill to be moved up, not yet. I don't really want to have our JV team act like it/we did last year... I told Coach that if I came back today I would probably come back for the whole season.. Yesterday's practice was so like, unexplanable, I didn't get anything out of it... I just felt like I was in class again, not playing a sport or something. Last practice didn't give me much to go on. We're running the mile again today, I hope I do well..
For some reason, when I say I'll come back to a post, I never do... xD
Hm...
I'm so tired... Lacrosse practice isn't the reason, it's a lot easier than field hockey.
I just want to sleep for maybe three hours more?
So i'm failing AP World.
Like with an F, apparently...
I don't really care, right now.
Right now I just want to bypass straight to summer.
Fuck grades.
Fuck guys, man, FUCK guys. xD
If it was that easy..
I need time to think.
7/10 in contrast to 3/10.
I see you as a kid trying to be older.
i feel like i'm your parent.
Let your guard down.
stop acting like such a know-it-all because you don't, you've got a lot to learn.
you have the potential to be very pretty...
Lose some weight.
Stop trying to be older, and enjoy life before it gets harder.
Be yourself.
I asked for it..
Self improvement 101, in session.
The things I hate about myself are the things other people see, too..
I need to fix them.
Hm...
I'm so tired... Lacrosse practice isn't the reason, it's a lot easier than field hockey.
I just want to sleep for maybe three hours more?
So i'm failing AP World.
Like with an F, apparently...
I don't really care, right now.
Right now I just want to bypass straight to summer.
Fuck grades.
Fuck guys, man, FUCK guys. xD
If it was that easy..
I need time to think.
7/10 in contrast to 3/10.
I see you as a kid trying to be older.
i feel like i'm your parent.
Let your guard down.
stop acting like such a know-it-all because you don't, you've got a lot to learn.
you have the potential to be very pretty...
Lose some weight.
Stop trying to be older, and enjoy life before it gets harder.
Be yourself.
I asked for it..
Self improvement 101, in session.
The things I hate about myself are the things other people see, too..
I need to fix them.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Before this river becomes an ocean
Before you throw my heart back on the floor
Oh baby I reconsider
My foolish notion
Well I need someone to hold me
But Ill wait for something more
Yes I've gotta have faith... :]
Good things should be on the way~
I'm in a better humor than before.
Oh baby I reconsider
My foolish notion
Well I need someone to hold me
But Ill wait for something more
Yes I've gotta have faith... :]
Good things should be on the way~
I'm in a better humor than before.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
On the Subject of Love Poems
English class goes on for fucking everrrrrrr.
And all the spanish girls who talk too much annoy the crap out of me.
I think I annoyed them by talking about AVID like that.
Ohwells.
We've started our poetry unit.
And I'm excited to write.
But our first topic is love poems...
Those cliche, overrated things that seem to pop-up everywhere.
I only really enjoy Pablo Neruda's love poems...
I wrote one while we were talking about cliches.
This is my take:
On The Subject of Love Poems
Ah, love, you
what can I say about
you that hasn't already been said?
Unfathomable,
endless oceans.
Withering roses,
Let me count the ways.
What is love but a
boquet of endless
flowers,
White doves,
Butterfly kisses,
Sonnet number 18.
How do I write something written before?
Words on paper,
Make it seem so fickle,
So fickle against your skin,
eyes, hair, laughter.
In metaphor and simile,
I cannot compare the rising sun to your glow.
In symbolism and context,
a rose smells just as sweet
Not as sweet as you my dear.
What do I need to say
When all I need to do is love?
I added another stanza, Sam.^^
And I changed the sonnet number to 18.
The Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
That one.
~(Bleh.)~
And all the spanish girls who talk too much annoy the crap out of me.
I think I annoyed them by talking about AVID like that.
Ohwells.
We've started our poetry unit.
And I'm excited to write.
But our first topic is love poems...
Those cliche, overrated things that seem to pop-up everywhere.
I only really enjoy Pablo Neruda's love poems...
I wrote one while we were talking about cliches.
This is my take:
On The Subject of Love Poems
Ah, love, you
what can I say about
you that hasn't already been said?
Unfathomable,
endless oceans.
Withering roses,
Let me count the ways.
What is love but a
boquet of endless
flowers,
White doves,
Butterfly kisses,
Sonnet number 18.
How do I write something written before?
Words on paper,
Make it seem so fickle,
So fickle against your skin,
eyes, hair, laughter.
In metaphor and simile,
I cannot compare the rising sun to your glow.
In symbolism and context,
a rose smells just as sweet
Not as sweet as you my dear.
What do I need to say
When all I need to do is love?
I added another stanza, Sam.^^
And I changed the sonnet number to 18.
The Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
That one.
~(Bleh.)~
Monday, February 16, 2009
Tired and Uninspired.
- complete photography assignment
- GET $55 for otacon registration
- GIVE $55 to David for otacon registration
- start shooting assignement
- buy photo paper
- finish A Clockwork Orange so Vy-anh can borrow it
- finish english journals (2.5)
- get academy forms from guidance
- fill out said forms
- download music
- study for precalc
- extra credit for AP world
- laundry
- vaccuum
- write
- take a bath
- get a haircut.
- update Ipod
- Blog~?
I don't feel like doing any of those things.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
doot doot doo
I've never been sick enough to warrant two days off in a row...
It's quite boring.. xD
Rather quiet, and lonely. The neighbors in the adjacent building seem to be deaf. Their television woke me up at 9. If the Free Credit Report dot Com song is audiable enough to be recognised in MY ROOM. It's too loud. Dx
Their Riggaton made it hard for me to sleep last night.. Which is why I feel so icky today.
I finished A Wolf at the Table! It was quite good.
I found Augusten Bourrough's website, and now I subscribe to his updates on Facebook.
Apparently Sellevision is being made into a movie??
I want to read it before it comes outt. I watched Running With Scissors before reading the book, the movie was very true to the story... I'm excited for the new movie.
Can't you tell I'm bored??
I'm rambling.
I want to make some
Lemon tea. :D
Doot Doot Doo~
Check her out:
http://www.myspace.com/lucianacaporaso
I'm in love with her <3
It's quite boring.. xD
Rather quiet, and lonely. The neighbors in the adjacent building seem to be deaf. Their television woke me up at 9. If the Free Credit Report dot Com song is audiable enough to be recognised in MY ROOM. It's too loud. Dx
Their Riggaton made it hard for me to sleep last night.. Which is why I feel so icky today.
I finished A Wolf at the Table! It was quite good.
I found Augusten Bourrough's website, and now I subscribe to his updates on Facebook.
Apparently Sellevision is being made into a movie??
I want to read it before it comes outt. I watched Running With Scissors before reading the book, the movie was very true to the story... I'm excited for the new movie.
Can't you tell I'm bored??
I'm rambling.
I want to make some
Lemon tea. :D
Doot Doot Doo~
Check her out:
http://www.myspace.com/lucianacaporaso
I'm in love with her <3
Who wouldn't be?? Look at her~!
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Blahblahblah..
I've cooled down a lot since the time I wrote that last post.
I didn't publish it, for some reason.
Today, I'm sick. =[[[
I'm running a fever, and my head hurts a lot.
I should be trying to catch up on the homework I was supposed to do for today.. xD
Buuuuuutt. I don't feel like it.
I feel like sleeping the day away.
I've cooled down a lot since the time I wrote that last post.
I didn't publish it, for some reason.
Today, I'm sick. =[[[
I'm running a fever, and my head hurts a lot.
I should be trying to catch up on the homework I was supposed to do for today.. xD
Buuuuuutt. I don't feel like it.
I feel like sleeping the day away.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
angry rant.
Okay, I admit I was being a little angry Saturday.
But Sam, Jansen, you guys know exactly why I was upset, and to go and do that to me, is not fair.
Kayso.. Here's what happened:
One AM Saturday, Jessica calls.... Crying... "Jeremiah's getting locked up. Say goodbye."
Basically, he tells me that the charges plus his prior record were enough to get him tried as an adult... and is leaving early today (it's 1AM) to start his 2-5 year sentence in County. Says Vinh and Stephen got locked up too. But in Juvenile corrections, they're getting out sooner, don't know when. Tells me he loves me and he misses me, and not to cry.. He's got my number written down and will call me if he gets the chance. He was sober this time, perfectly straight. I have no idea how that happened... Too late, I guess.
I TOLD HIM I would go with him to court, if he gave me a date...
I told him to sober-up before anything happened.
I don't sleep until 4:30 after that. Wake-up at six from the excruciating pain I've been in all week. The stress made it worse.
I ended up not eating anything until late evening, then feeling nauseous.
The only person I talked to it about was Julio, for a while... He said come over. Jess might come-up, and he doesn't want me to be alone.
I decided to not go to dinner, so I could try to cheer up before the play. By now I had told Jansen and Samantha as well.
AND YOU GUYS SHOW UP LATE. EXPECTING ME TO SAVE SEATS FOR EVERYONE.
Goddamnit.
I just wasn't in the mood to be let down like that.
I didn't even want to go to the play anymore.
I wanted to just hang out at Josh's place... Just chill, cheer up.
I promised I would go, so I did... But really? You guys practically left me there, ALONE, for half the play. You know how awkward that feels???? Especially when I'm already about to break down????
I mean, come on.
Guys, get organized.
But Sam, Jansen, you guys know exactly why I was upset, and to go and do that to me, is not fair.
Kayso.. Here's what happened:
One AM Saturday, Jessica calls.... Crying... "Jeremiah's getting locked up. Say goodbye."
Basically, he tells me that the charges plus his prior record were enough to get him tried as an adult... and is leaving early today (it's 1AM) to start his 2-5 year sentence in County. Says Vinh and Stephen got locked up too. But in Juvenile corrections, they're getting out sooner, don't know when. Tells me he loves me and he misses me, and not to cry.. He's got my number written down and will call me if he gets the chance. He was sober this time, perfectly straight. I have no idea how that happened... Too late, I guess.
I TOLD HIM I would go with him to court, if he gave me a date...
I told him to sober-up before anything happened.
I don't sleep until 4:30 after that. Wake-up at six from the excruciating pain I've been in all week. The stress made it worse.
I ended up not eating anything until late evening, then feeling nauseous.
The only person I talked to it about was Julio, for a while... He said come over. Jess might come-up, and he doesn't want me to be alone.
I decided to not go to dinner, so I could try to cheer up before the play. By now I had told Jansen and Samantha as well.
AND YOU GUYS SHOW UP LATE. EXPECTING ME TO SAVE SEATS FOR EVERYONE.
Goddamnit.
I just wasn't in the mood to be let down like that.
I didn't even want to go to the play anymore.
I wanted to just hang out at Josh's place... Just chill, cheer up.
I promised I would go, so I did... But really? You guys practically left me there, ALONE, for half the play. You know how awkward that feels???? Especially when I'm already about to break down????
I mean, come on.
Guys, get organized.
Friday, February 6, 2009
There's no reason to act like this, I've brought it all on myself.
I continue to write my experience down, as a short-story of sorts. It's kind-of hard to look at sometimes. Because it's just a little odd, to be talking about yourself, yet not. I'm writing down my perspective of a night I'd rather not remember, for people to read and talk about. It is also a constant reminder to myself about my experiences with ((((drugs)))), and it keeps me sort-of in check. I know I am going to continue doing things I should not do to my body and society and whatnot. But I think now I know where and when I should allow myself to do these things.
I continue to be inspired by the messages I left myself as I was cam-whoring in Vincent's bathroom (shhh..) xD The fact that I wrote them to myself, a person I absolutely cannot stand, inspires me a lot. I want to feel the way I did that night all the time. Not necessarily the tights against my skin, and the walls feeling so nice and smooth, but the happy feeling, and the self-confidence.
The notes I wrote are still in my phone, helping me along with it, but only with parts I haven't written yet. The beginning is almost finished, and the middle/end are done, but have not been transposed onto Microsoft Word yet.
I need to finish this thing.. I will, eventually.
Kayso... I don't know why but I feel as if I should talk about my feelings right now.
Well, a certain one, that I've always felt, but moreso today than in a long time.
I feel so left out sometimes.
With the dances, and the musical night, and matching Thursdays, and w.e. I always end up joining-in and never invited first off. I don't even understand why I'm working on the Japanese project/skit/thing with Evelina, Sam and Alena. I didn't understand how I got included in the group, when I was just sitting there, trying to translate a haiku.
Urgh... I don't understand what I'm talking about anymore.
I think what I'm trying to say is that
just sometimes, I feel a lot more distant with a lot of the people in our group than most people, like I'm on the outside of a lot of things. I probably feel this way a lot more than I should, but that's just me, I'm paranoid. Some of this is my fault I know. Playing lacrosse and field hockey, getting closer to a different group of people rather than getting close to the people around me. It's just that, even when I'm free, I feel as if I'm missing-out on a lot of stuff.
I've severed ties with Jess, Julio and Chelsea almost completely as-of now, for you guys.
I dunno what I'm getting at here, honestly. I've re-written this last bit maybe three times? I've cut-out a lot of stuff, because I sound selfish. I am selfish.. Right now I think that I'm whoring for attention saying all of this stuff. I think that I'm just being stupid asking for this, I don't think I deserve any of it.
I don't know what I want.. I want us to be as close as we were when we were at LJ.
I want to be able to come back from Syracuse University and be able to pick up where we left off. I don't think all the fighting about little things is necessary, and I don't want our closeness to be changed because of stupid stuff.
So, let's start over.
Heya, I'm Tiffany.
Love always <3
CLT: I'm so intrigued by the workings of society as a whole, along with the mind. Sociology and/or psychology are my fallback plan(s) for college, if I decide not to become a photographer or a media editor/developer (i.e. webpages, computer-designed art, game story/characer development). I'm planning on going to school for that.
^my next post will be about that.
I continue to write my experience down, as a short-story of sorts. It's kind-of hard to look at sometimes. Because it's just a little odd, to be talking about yourself, yet not. I'm writing down my perspective of a night I'd rather not remember, for people to read and talk about. It is also a constant reminder to myself about my experiences with ((((drugs)))), and it keeps me sort-of in check. I know I am going to continue doing things I should not do to my body and society and whatnot. But I think now I know where and when I should allow myself to do these things.
I continue to be inspired by the messages I left myself as I was cam-whoring in Vincent's bathroom (shhh..) xD The fact that I wrote them to myself, a person I absolutely cannot stand, inspires me a lot. I want to feel the way I did that night all the time. Not necessarily the tights against my skin, and the walls feeling so nice and smooth, but the happy feeling, and the self-confidence.
The notes I wrote are still in my phone, helping me along with it, but only with parts I haven't written yet. The beginning is almost finished, and the middle/end are done, but have not been transposed onto Microsoft Word yet.
I need to finish this thing.. I will, eventually.
Kayso... I don't know why but I feel as if I should talk about my feelings right now.
Well, a certain one, that I've always felt, but moreso today than in a long time.
I feel so left out sometimes.
With the dances, and the musical night, and matching Thursdays, and w.e. I always end up joining-in and never invited first off. I don't even understand why I'm working on the Japanese project/skit/thing with Evelina, Sam and Alena. I didn't understand how I got included in the group, when I was just sitting there, trying to translate a haiku.
Urgh... I don't understand what I'm talking about anymore.
I think what I'm trying to say is that
just sometimes, I feel a lot more distant with a lot of the people in our group than most people, like I'm on the outside of a lot of things. I probably feel this way a lot more than I should, but that's just me, I'm paranoid. Some of this is my fault I know. Playing lacrosse and field hockey, getting closer to a different group of people rather than getting close to the people around me. It's just that, even when I'm free, I feel as if I'm missing-out on a lot of stuff.
I've severed ties with Jess, Julio and Chelsea almost completely as-of now, for you guys.
I dunno what I'm getting at here, honestly. I've re-written this last bit maybe three times? I've cut-out a lot of stuff, because I sound selfish. I am selfish.. Right now I think that I'm whoring for attention saying all of this stuff. I think that I'm just being stupid asking for this, I don't think I deserve any of it.
I don't know what I want.. I want us to be as close as we were when we were at LJ.
I want to be able to come back from Syracuse University and be able to pick up where we left off. I don't think all the fighting about little things is necessary, and I don't want our closeness to be changed because of stupid stuff.
So, let's start over.
Heya, I'm Tiffany.
Love always <3
CLT: I'm so intrigued by the workings of society as a whole, along with the mind. Sociology and/or psychology are my fallback plan(s) for college, if I decide not to become a photographer or a media editor/developer (i.e. webpages, computer-designed art, game story/characer development). I'm planning on going to school for that.
^my next post will be about that.
Monday, February 2, 2009
get a hold of yourself Tiff.
Sometimes I just need to be reassured, and calmed down.
Don't leave me alone, I don't know what I'll do.
I know I'm hurting myself when I do these stupid things, so why do I do them?
Hm.
Self evaluation time. Again.
Don't leave me alone, I don't know what I'll do.
I know I'm hurting myself when I do these stupid things, so why do I do them?
Hm.
Self evaluation time. Again.
Just stop it. Shut up.
Just when I think I'm doing better than before, I slip up.
And I'm back where I started
Sorry Amy, I don't really think I've grown any.
Not after what's happened.
I'm just
so fucking mad.
I thought that it would make me feel like I'm in control again, somehow.
Ego boost, something like that.
Instead, I feel like I've done something absolutely terrible.
Quite frankly, I think I have, because I'm denying myself what I know is best for me.
And I'm back where I started
Sorry Amy, I don't really think I've grown any.
Not after what's happened.
I'm just
so fucking mad.
I thought that it would make me feel like I'm in control again, somehow.
Ego boost, something like that.
Instead, I feel like I've done something absolutely terrible.
Quite frankly, I think I have, because I'm denying myself what I know is best for me.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
And reality hits full force.
I'm so
MAD.
You have no idea how angry I am right now.
How much those little things people say/do are effecting me right now. I'm just so sick of bullshit and lies and stupididty, on my part included.
Wednesday I confronted someone about something that happened on that day I don't want to talk about anymore, and she walked out of first period, tearing.
So I went off on the other person involved.
And they took it about the same way.
"I just can't stand seeing -insertnamehere- cry anymore... Over something so stupid..."
"...I cannot stand seeing you do this.. Because it hurts you just as much, I know."
Well, I can't. I just can't. I've done enough crying over stuff like this, and it doesn't help. What helps is getting something done. So just stop being so fucking reclusive. You're killing yourselves over something this stupid. Yes you want me to drop it, and I have stopped talking about it.
If you touch a hot stove, you move your hand. You don't keep your hand there waiting for it to cool off. You burn yourself either way, but you keep yourself from needing a lot more healing doing the former.
Heh, well first off, you associated my childhood with Scout's a little while back.
But here's why:
You lecture me all the time... Yet you're so carefree and fun.
You scold me a lot, like Atticus would Scout. But you still manage to make me not feel like I've been scorned.
You've grown a lot, you have.
You'll never get anywhere by forcing it too much though.
*I also donated blood today :D
heh, love always <3
CLT: I feel as if I am maturing a lot faster than I really am sometimes. I think that my mind is about ten years ahead of my body. I don't know how a "teenager" thinks... So I don't really have anything to go on, but I feel as if I am older than everyone mindset-wise. Don't ask me why. And I can't decide if that's a bad thing or a good thing.
MAD.
You have no idea how angry I am right now.
How much those little things people say/do are effecting me right now. I'm just so sick of bullshit and lies and stupididty, on my part included.
Wednesday I confronted someone about something that happened on that day I don't want to talk about anymore, and she walked out of first period, tearing.
So I went off on the other person involved.
And they took it about the same way.
"I just can't stand seeing -insertnamehere- cry anymore... Over something so stupid..."
"...I cannot stand seeing you do this.. Because it hurts you just as much, I know."
Well, I can't. I just can't. I've done enough crying over stuff like this, and it doesn't help. What helps is getting something done. So just stop being so fucking reclusive. You're killing yourselves over something this stupid. Yes you want me to drop it, and I have stopped talking about it.
If you touch a hot stove, you move your hand. You don't keep your hand there waiting for it to cool off. You burn yourself either way, but you keep yourself from needing a lot more healing doing the former.
***
Andanotherthing... Well, never mind. I said I'd stop posting about my relationship problems.
July sort-of said some things... And I still need to remember that I am only sixteen.
***
I want to think like Evelina. Be all happy and optimistic. I can't help myself. Being self loathing and pessimistic. I always have been. Tyler says it's cute, and what makes me, me... I think Eeyore is cute and pessimistic, I think that I'm just sad thinking the way I do..
She shouldn't grow up, I feel terrible that I told her to, but love doesn't work like that for me. I didn't understand where she got the notion that it did work like that.
Do you know how much pain I've gone through for the person I like right now? How much shit I've gone through because of "love?"
***
I'm just tired of this. Maybe it's the weather. I keep waking up and hoping January is over. But it's still going strong. Tomorrow Feburary begins. Hopefully it's going to get better for everyone, it certainly cannot get any worse at the moment.
Jansen, do you want to know why I call you Atticus??Heh, well first off, you associated my childhood with Scout's a little while back.
But here's why:
You lecture me all the time... Yet you're so carefree and fun.
You scold me a lot, like Atticus would Scout. But you still manage to make me not feel like I've been scorned.
You've grown a lot, you have.
You'll never get anywhere by forcing it too much though.
*I also donated blood today :D
heh, love always <3
CLT: I feel as if I am maturing a lot faster than I really am sometimes. I think that my mind is about ten years ahead of my body. I don't know how a "teenager" thinks... So I don't really have anything to go on, but I feel as if I am older than everyone mindset-wise. Don't ask me why. And I can't decide if that's a bad thing or a good thing.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
what is with people and deleting their blogs??!?!!?!
I refuse to delete anymore posts.
Unless they're irrational, unclear, drunken rages; those belong in my private one. :]
I'm honestly not regretting anything I did this weekend. I'd rather not talk about what they are/were, but I don't regret anything. It took me a while to realise, and I think that I learned it from doing this on Sautrday, that drugs are overrated.
They're just fake little moments where life seems good; well, better, life is already good.
I can understand turning to drugs and doing that stuff, being oppressed, and not feeling anything good in the world. I feel/felt like that. But ecstacy and pot and drinking and w.e don't get anything solved.
It took me a while to actually believe this myself.
Thanks Jansen, for setting me straight.
David, thanks for just being there for me.
Vincent, I'm paying for that gutter.
I refuse to quit being myself, and lose my friends over something so stupid.
Forgive me??
CLT: I refuse to admit to myself that I'm just a kid. I have such high expectations for myself that I think I'm making a bigger deal out of this than you guys are.
Unless they're irrational, unclear, drunken rages; those belong in my private one. :]
I'm honestly not regretting anything I did this weekend. I'd rather not talk about what they are/were, but I don't regret anything. It took me a while to realise, and I think that I learned it from doing this on Sautrday, that drugs are overrated.
They're just fake little moments where life seems good; well, better, life is already good.
I can understand turning to drugs and doing that stuff, being oppressed, and not feeling anything good in the world. I feel/felt like that. But ecstacy and pot and drinking and w.e don't get anything solved.
It took me a while to actually believe this myself.
Thanks Jansen, for setting me straight.
David, thanks for just being there for me.
Vincent, I'm paying for that gutter.
I refuse to quit being myself, and lose my friends over something so stupid.
Forgive me??
CLT: I refuse to admit to myself that I'm just a kid. I have such high expectations for myself that I think I'm making a bigger deal out of this than you guys are.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
free.
I'm cold, wet, messy, and exhausted.
I don't want to talk about it.
I will soon though.
Don't expect a post here till I'm finished.
I'm warning you, it's going to be a long time, and a long post.
EDIT.
Fuckit.
I don't want to talk about it anymoree.
I don't want to talk about it.
I will soon though.
Don't expect a post here till I'm finished.
I'm warning you, it's going to be a long time, and a long post.
EDIT.
Fuckit.
I don't want to talk about it anymoree.
Monday, January 26, 2009
my 100th post :D
i don't really have anything deep and profound to say here.... Sorry. No speech, nothing like that this time.
Quandry:
People always use that cliche that desaster and tragedy bring others closer together... And yet we do all we can to avoid tragedy at all costs; be it an epidemic, a war, or a death in the family. etc.
I don't understand why someone would not want to feel that closeness and bond.. Humans avoid the tragedy to not feel upset, and yet they always wish for a closer bond with loved ones. We are lazy, doing the minimum amount of work to make things happen, and expecting a 100% output. This makes me sad.
CLT: It's very difficult for me to focus on anything, at all... Even in Lacrosse/Fockey, I find myself staring off into empty space.
Quandry:
People always use that cliche that desaster and tragedy bring others closer together... And yet we do all we can to avoid tragedy at all costs; be it an epidemic, a war, or a death in the family. etc.
I don't understand why someone would not want to feel that closeness and bond.. Humans avoid the tragedy to not feel upset, and yet they always wish for a closer bond with loved ones. We are lazy, doing the minimum amount of work to make things happen, and expecting a 100% output. This makes me sad.
CLT: It's very difficult for me to focus on anything, at all... Even in Lacrosse/Fockey, I find myself staring off into empty space.
Saturday, January 24, 2009
These infinite winter months.
January... Ohmygod Mindfuck, >.<
This month has been strange, so strange. All of the holidays make it seem to last forever. It just keeps on going and going and going. Last weekend we had a holiday, and this weekend, we have four days off as well. We had only two full weeks of school this month, the fifth through the ninth, and the twelfth through the sixteenth. The first two days we were still on winter break, and now it's almost the end of January.
This is scary, how fast this month has gone by, yet how slow it has been...
Some days I get that "infinite" feeling, as if this moment is all there is... Like in The Perks of Being a Wallflower Charlie talks about feeling like that. Listening to Sleep by The Dandy Warhols, with his friends, and being in the truck bed while they drove.
I can recognise that feeling now. It's when your heart feels like it's opeining up, but not like a wound, like a sponge, soaking in that moment and preserving it.
I told Vy-anh once about it.
On Halloween, when we were on the bus covered in foil and in costume, and Earvin was on my lap. We were just being loud, and didn't care about anybody or anything else but ourselves.
My Ipod was on, a slow stream of chourds ran out into my ears, I could still hear everyone, and I remember quite vividly our journey to free burittos.
"HEY TOM! COME SIT WITH US! I LOVE YOU TOMMMMM!" (he didn't want to sit with us, we were embarassing xD)
"Samantha, no, just... Sit down and be quiet."
"I bet we're going to be remembered, these other people are going to tell ALL their friends about us."
I didn't care about anything. I looked just a bit trashy, covered with aluminum foil, a guy on my lap and schoolgirl outfit didn't help much. People stared, and believed us to be a pack of insane asylum escapees. But watching the cars go by, and laughing until I cried with my friends, not caring about the stares from the other passengers made it just such a memorable day.
I love days like that.
Days that I'm going to remember for the rest of my life. :]
Whoo, tangent. But you get what I'm talking about, right??? xD
Drama out the ass as usual.
And school days go by so slowly.
But fun adventures none the less.
Giving up smoking, cold turkey, and keeping straight without it.
Chinese tag :D
Technoooo music.
Blowing shit up with dry ice.
Long late night talks with Jiff :]
Shopping~!
I guess Vincent's house is the new Samantha's.
We've been there at least once a week these past few weeks. xD
Fun adventures, new stuff.
This weekend is supposed to have some fun new stuff too.
Our talk worked, Sam. Fun stuff has been happening. :]
Sammy, I'm sorry I pressured you about trying hookah.
This has been bothering me for some time.
I really didn't mean to pressure you like that. Yeah, it's just water, and it doesn't do anything to you, but i shouldn't have said anything.
I'm never going to push you into something you don't wanna do.. It's not fair to.
Kudos on your self control, though. :]
Love always
CLT: I think everything (FOOD WISE, pervs) is better with hot sauce ;]
This month has been strange, so strange. All of the holidays make it seem to last forever. It just keeps on going and going and going. Last weekend we had a holiday, and this weekend, we have four days off as well. We had only two full weeks of school this month, the fifth through the ninth, and the twelfth through the sixteenth. The first two days we were still on winter break, and now it's almost the end of January.
This is scary, how fast this month has gone by, yet how slow it has been...
Some days I get that "infinite" feeling, as if this moment is all there is... Like in The Perks of Being a Wallflower Charlie talks about feeling like that. Listening to Sleep by The Dandy Warhols, with his friends, and being in the truck bed while they drove.
I can recognise that feeling now. It's when your heart feels like it's opeining up, but not like a wound, like a sponge, soaking in that moment and preserving it.
I told Vy-anh once about it.
On Halloween, when we were on the bus covered in foil and in costume, and Earvin was on my lap. We were just being loud, and didn't care about anybody or anything else but ourselves.
My Ipod was on, a slow stream of chourds ran out into my ears, I could still hear everyone, and I remember quite vividly our journey to free burittos.
"HEY TOM! COME SIT WITH US! I LOVE YOU TOMMMMM!" (he didn't want to sit with us, we were embarassing xD)
"Samantha, no, just... Sit down and be quiet."
"I bet we're going to be remembered, these other people are going to tell ALL their friends about us."
I didn't care about anything. I looked just a bit trashy, covered with aluminum foil, a guy on my lap and schoolgirl outfit didn't help much. People stared, and believed us to be a pack of insane asylum escapees. But watching the cars go by, and laughing until I cried with my friends, not caring about the stares from the other passengers made it just such a memorable day.
I love days like that.
Days that I'm going to remember for the rest of my life. :]
Whoo, tangent. But you get what I'm talking about, right??? xD
***
January has been a mix of good days and bad.Drama out the ass as usual.
And school days go by so slowly.
But fun adventures none the less.
Giving up smoking, cold turkey, and keeping straight without it.
Chinese tag :D
Technoooo music.
Blowing shit up with dry ice.
Long late night talks with Jiff :]
Shopping~!
I guess Vincent's house is the new Samantha's.
We've been there at least once a week these past few weeks. xD
Fun adventures, new stuff.
This weekend is supposed to have some fun new stuff too.
Our talk worked, Sam. Fun stuff has been happening. :]
***
Sammy, I'm sorry I pressured you about trying hookah.
This has been bothering me for some time.
I really didn't mean to pressure you like that. Yeah, it's just water, and it doesn't do anything to you, but i shouldn't have said anything.
I'm never going to push you into something you don't wanna do.. It's not fair to.
Kudos on your self control, though. :]
Love always
CLT: I think everything (FOOD WISE, pervs) is better with hot sauce ;]
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
woo, what a 5 day weekend I've had.
Long talks almost every night, and fun adventures every day.
I love going to Vincent's house, whether it is for Chinese Tag or to watch Big Bang Theory. Yesterday it was Chinese Tag, which was a fun new game. We turned all the lights of and blindfolded someone, and then made them listen to my ipod, which had some hxc techno stuff on it, making a hugeeeee distraction to the "IT" person. Which is cool. I was it a few times, and it was kinda scary. Luckily I didn't bump into things like Tom did.. xD We also made water bottles burst with dry ice. I'll put some photos/vids up on facebook and here tonight~!
Monday I stayed in, even for Open Mic night, I felt like I owed it to my family to not go out one of the days we were off, and if I go out too much, I start getting depressed, because I can't handle all those people and their vibes for that long. So Monday was a nice reprieve.
Sunday was very interesting. I get a call around noon to join people at Ihop, and then go watch some anime. We went to Ihop and talked very loudly, next to my mother and Zach who were eating dinner as well. We went to my house, mostly because I didn't have a ride, and Reggie didn't come, so it was either mine or Vincent's and I said mine. We watched a lot of first episodes, and a silly Yu Gi Oh abridged version.
Saturday... xD
We had more fun at vincents.
Friday I stayed home with my mum, I was sleepy after a whole night on the phone with July, and mom said it was too cold to wait at the bus stop, so I stayed home.
Funfunfunnn
Grr, school in five minutes, I'll finish later.
Love always <3
Long talks almost every night, and fun adventures every day.
I love going to Vincent's house, whether it is for Chinese Tag or to watch Big Bang Theory. Yesterday it was Chinese Tag, which was a fun new game. We turned all the lights of and blindfolded someone, and then made them listen to my ipod, which had some hxc techno stuff on it, making a hugeeeee distraction to the "IT" person. Which is cool. I was it a few times, and it was kinda scary. Luckily I didn't bump into things like Tom did.. xD We also made water bottles burst with dry ice. I'll put some photos/vids up on facebook and here tonight~!
Monday I stayed in, even for Open Mic night, I felt like I owed it to my family to not go out one of the days we were off, and if I go out too much, I start getting depressed, because I can't handle all those people and their vibes for that long. So Monday was a nice reprieve.
Sunday was very interesting. I get a call around noon to join people at Ihop, and then go watch some anime. We went to Ihop and talked very loudly, next to my mother and Zach who were eating dinner as well. We went to my house, mostly because I didn't have a ride, and Reggie didn't come, so it was either mine or Vincent's and I said mine. We watched a lot of first episodes, and a silly Yu Gi Oh abridged version.
Saturday... xD
We had more fun at vincents.
Friday I stayed home with my mum, I was sleepy after a whole night on the phone with July, and mom said it was too cold to wait at the bus stop, so I stayed home.
Funfunfunnn
Grr, school in five minutes, I'll finish later.
Love always <3
Thursday, January 15, 2009
happy birthday bloggy~!
What an awesome thing this is,
this is probably the longest journal type-thing i've ever kept :]
I don't know how long i am going to keep it up, but I know it's going to be for a while.
Here's to another year?
A year's worth of positive posts ^^
this is probably the longest journal type-thing i've ever kept :]
I don't know how long i am going to keep it up, but I know it's going to be for a while.
Here's to another year?
A year's worth of positive posts ^^
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
hullo
My blog officially turns one year-old tomorrow~!
All in all, 08 was a pretty interesting year, not good, not bad. I mean, bad things happened to me/others, but it is 09 now, so it's time to stop dwelling on them. And all that good, interesting stuff that happened! It's hard to say that last year sucked, because it really didn't suck in the grand scheme of things. I think that the bad things that happend are just reminders to make this year a better year.
I'm learning to take the bad with the good instead of taking all the negitive in, if you haven't noticed. :']
At Amy's going-away party Tom told me that I complain too much...
I actually agree with him to a degree. I think that if I was maybe a tad bit more positive and willing, I would not feel the need to complain. I wouldn't feel the need to attract all that negative attention to myself. It makes me a hypocryte to tell people to be open-minded and have fun, when I'm not even willing enough to try charades. But I do think that sometimes I need to complain, because NOTHING EVER GETS DONE if I don't. We're all so A.D.D and it makes it difficult to actually accomplish a task. Even something so simple as cutting carrots became a whole big thing because we didn't plan. Calvin cut nearly a whole carrot for fried rice, nicely diced, but we ended up not needing as much as we thought. We end upphailing making odd changes to plans like the Day in DC (Which i did not attend, but I'm honestly glad I did not attend), because no one wants to stick to the plans, if you have said you want to go do something, that some people might only be there for, I don't think walking all day looking for starbucks is the way people wanted to spend their day might I add, we should do it. It makes me very mad when no one is willing to actually stick with a plan, because you can't rely on spontaneity (thanks for helping me pronounce that Vy-anh :]) all the way through.
School is getting to me, it really is.
The only things I look foreward to are Feasting Fridays and Matching Thursdays with my friends. And the weekend, of course.
I'm so sick of it. The teachers, the fake people, the stress, the boredom. I think that maybe school is what's making me such an asshole right now.
I hate midterms for one reason: Kids who cry when their scores are low.
To be honest, Midterms don't count for much. As long as you do well in each quarter, your grade will even out. If you think about it, finals count for as much. So, just, do better then? I hate it when kids talk about grades as such a big deal. Because in the long run, it's not how well you accomplished a task, it's what you accomplished that makes you great.
Taking honors/AP rather than regular, and getting a C+ or a C is not terrible!
If your GPA is lowISH, and you're trying, w/ APs and Honors courses, you are a perfectly acceptable candidate, as long as you have other things on your resume; work, sports, clubs, nice SAT/ACT scores, volunteer hours, et cetera, you're fine. If you can say you tried, in all aspects of High School, then you're fine.
School does count for something, and if you are in college, you should make sure you get everything done, because no matter what you do in college, you can't just fail the course and re-do everything... Just don't kill yourself over an exam, or a project or something. School is about learning and growing and becoming something great, not about stressing yourself to the point of insanity and giving up.
Believe me, there are tons of things that are better to worry about than your Native American Art History research paper's thesis statement.
But do you see where we need priorities and plans? So we don't get stressed and angry.
I'm not worried, why should you be?
So just, shut-up about grades! Have some fun with me.
Let's just stop. Take a breather. Chill-out and be kids while we can still get away with it. Please? Let's forget all these miniscule problems we have with our friends and get the group back together. Liz, this includes you too!
Jansen, you're so right, we are losing contact, and our group will die if we don't start mending ties right now.
Vy-anh, whatever or whoever makes you angry, face your problem(s) and work it out. If that problem somehow has to deal with me... Let me have it, make yourself feel better, and we'll go on.. I need to change my ways sometimes, so just do it.
You don't have to like everyone, and you certainly don't have to be sweet Anh-Vy all the time.
Sammy, what's been on your mind lately? Let it out, have a good cry, and let's go back to the way things used to be.
Daniel, David, stop being strangers, and come back... Do yourselves a favor, and get life straight.
Robert, Amy, prioratize! Make time and enjoy life.
You guys are all I have and I love each and every one of you dearly.
Love always <3
CLT: As cliche as it is, my biggest resolution this year is to lose weight. I want to have lost 15 pounds, but I doubt that is possible. If I'm complaining about being sore, first, smack me and tell me to stop complaining, and then tell me it's worth it. xD
All in all, 08 was a pretty interesting year, not good, not bad. I mean, bad things happened to me/others, but it is 09 now, so it's time to stop dwelling on them. And all that good, interesting stuff that happened! It's hard to say that last year sucked, because it really didn't suck in the grand scheme of things. I think that the bad things that happend are just reminders to make this year a better year.
I'm learning to take the bad with the good instead of taking all the negitive in, if you haven't noticed. :']
At Amy's going-away party Tom told me that I complain too much...
I actually agree with him to a degree. I think that if I was maybe a tad bit more positive and willing, I would not feel the need to complain. I wouldn't feel the need to attract all that negative attention to myself. It makes me a hypocryte to tell people to be open-minded and have fun, when I'm not even willing enough to try charades. But I do think that sometimes I need to complain, because NOTHING EVER GETS DONE if I don't. We're all so A.D.D and it makes it difficult to actually accomplish a task. Even something so simple as cutting carrots became a whole big thing because we didn't plan. Calvin cut nearly a whole carrot for fried rice, nicely diced, but we ended up not needing as much as we thought. We end up
School is getting to me, it really is.
The only things I look foreward to are Feasting Fridays and Matching Thursdays with my friends. And the weekend, of course.
I'm so sick of it. The teachers, the fake people, the stress, the boredom. I think that maybe school is what's making me such an asshole right now.
I hate midterms for one reason: Kids who cry when their scores are low.
To be honest, Midterms don't count for much. As long as you do well in each quarter, your grade will even out. If you think about it, finals count for as much. So, just, do better then? I hate it when kids talk about grades as such a big deal. Because in the long run, it's not how well you accomplished a task, it's what you accomplished that makes you great.
Taking honors/AP rather than regular, and getting a C+ or a C is not terrible!
If your GPA is lowISH, and you're trying, w/ APs and Honors courses, you are a perfectly acceptable candidate, as long as you have other things on your resume; work, sports, clubs, nice SAT/ACT scores, volunteer hours, et cetera, you're fine. If you can say you tried, in all aspects of High School, then you're fine.
School does count for something, and if you are in college, you should make sure you get everything done, because no matter what you do in college, you can't just fail the course and re-do everything... Just don't kill yourself over an exam, or a project or something. School is about learning and growing and becoming something great, not about stressing yourself to the point of insanity and giving up.
Believe me, there are tons of things that are better to worry about than your Native American Art History research paper's thesis statement.
But do you see where we need priorities and plans? So we don't get stressed and angry.
I'm not worried, why should you be?
So just, shut-up about grades! Have some fun with me.
Let's just stop. Take a breather. Chill-out and be kids while we can still get away with it. Please? Let's forget all these miniscule problems we have with our friends and get the group back together. Liz, this includes you too!
Jansen, you're so right, we are losing contact, and our group will die if we don't start mending ties right now.
Vy-anh, whatever or whoever makes you angry, face your problem(s) and work it out. If that problem somehow has to deal with me... Let me have it, make yourself feel better, and we'll go on.. I need to change my ways sometimes, so just do it.
You don't have to like everyone, and you certainly don't have to be sweet Anh-Vy all the time.
Sammy, what's been on your mind lately? Let it out, have a good cry, and let's go back to the way things used to be.
Daniel, David, stop being strangers, and come back... Do yourselves a favor, and get life straight.
Robert, Amy, prioratize! Make time and enjoy life.
You guys are all I have and I love each and every one of you dearly.
Love always <3
CLT: As cliche as it is, my biggest resolution this year is to lose weight. I want to have lost 15 pounds, but I doubt that is possible. If I'm complaining about being sore, first, smack me and tell me to stop complaining, and then tell me it's worth it. xD
Monday, January 5, 2009
anghst?
Fuck yes i want to party.
Yea so i talk about drugs and alcohol... Yea so I want to go out and get blazed. If I didn't have people around me who worry and w.e I would be out every night doing it. I know it's not healthy, and I know it's not the best thing to do, but I want to.
I want to go out and drink and dance and walk down city streets with my friends.
I want to rave, and get close to strangers, I want to meet new people and mosh to new songs.
I want drama to gossip about, I want to wear tight clothing and meet guys at parties...
Yea, I'm shy sometimes, but I can be veryy loud, as most of you know. Give me a chance~!
Put me in that situation.. See how I react.
I want out of here.
I absolutely know it's unhealthy... But look at school.. Our day-to-day routines: Wake up, shower, dress, make-up, eat, w.e, then school. At school we do A or B days, talk to the same people, same classes, same sports after school, then homework, then sleep... Now repeat that for five days.
Weekends for me have been the same stuff for a while.. It's not that it's bad or my life is uneventful. I just...
I can't do the same thing for so long....
Save me from this nightmarish cycle.
Let me go somewhere else..
^For all of you who haven't seen/read Fight Club. Do it.
Love always <3
Yea so i talk about drugs and alcohol... Yea so I want to go out and get blazed. If I didn't have people around me who worry and w.e I would be out every night doing it. I know it's not healthy, and I know it's not the best thing to do, but I want to.
I want to go out and drink and dance and walk down city streets with my friends.
I want to rave, and get close to strangers, I want to meet new people and mosh to new songs.
I want drama to gossip about, I want to wear tight clothing and meet guys at parties...
Yea, I'm shy sometimes, but I can be veryy loud, as most of you know. Give me a chance~!
Put me in that situation.. See how I react.
I want out of here.
I absolutely know it's unhealthy... But look at school.. Our day-to-day routines: Wake up, shower, dress, make-up, eat, w.e, then school. At school we do A or B days, talk to the same people, same classes, same sports after school, then homework, then sleep... Now repeat that for five days.
Weekends for me have been the same stuff for a while.. It's not that it's bad or my life is uneventful. I just...
I can't do the same thing for so long....
Save me from this nightmarish cycle.
Let me go somewhere else..
^For all of you who haven't seen/read Fight Club. Do it.
Love always <3
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