Winter break

Dec. 24th.

-Woke up early to clean/do dishes.
-Argued w/ brother.
-Got the last of the presents wrapped.

Dec. 25th.

-Woke up at eight... Body's still adjusting to sleeping in.
-Woke up Zach and opened presents
-Cleaned-up with mother, Zach goes off somewhere
-Rob comes over, he's being deployed to Iraq in early January. He's coming home when the war is over.... So between five and sixteen months from then.
-The Johnson family comes over, we play rockband for a while, try to watch The Dark Knight but fail.
- I overhear my mother/Mrs. Johnson talking about me... and my future, college, and whatnot.
-Mom is drinking... too much.

Dec. 26th.

-In the house all day, until the Johnson's call
-We go to dinner at Silverado, and watch Yes Man

Dec. 27th.
-Wake up at eleven
- Shower/clean
-Sister arrives at five, we eat dinner and play more Rockband
-Shannon and I watch the Sex and the City movie (which was sah-weet.. It's my guilty pleasure show xD) while James and Zach play Xbox
-Sleep at midnight.

Dec. 28th.
-Nothing doing today..
-Ordering Chinese food in, and not doing anything.

I'm so fucking tired of staying at home.
We're supposed to go shopping tomorrow.. Some time by myself at Tysons~! Woot :] I have 120 dollars worth of Christmas money to spend.

I need to buy some pants xD


Goddamn I miss you guys. I hate staying in.. and I hate hearing my mother and my sister and others talking about me.
I want to go out.

Tell me we're doing something on New Years.. Something I can actually attend?

Love always <3

Bah... Humbug.

These are your good years
Don't take my advice
You never wanted the nice boys anyway
And I'm of good cheer
'Cause I've been checking my list
The gifts you're receiving from me
Will be

One awkward silence
And two hopes you cry yourself to sleep
Staying up, waiting by the phone
And all I want this year is for you to dedicate your last breath to me
Before you bury yourself alive

Don't come home for Christmas
You're the last thing I wanna see
Underneath the tree
Merry Christmas, I could care less

Happy New Years, baby
You owe me
The best gift I will ever ask for
Don't call me up, when the snow comes down
Its the only thing I want this year

One awkward silence
And two hopes you cry yourself to sleep
Staying up, waiting by the phone
And all I want this year is for you to dedicate your last breath to me
Before you bury yourself alive

Don't come home for Christmas
You're the last thing I wanna see
Underneath the tree
Merry Christmas, I could care less

Don't come home for Christmas
You're the last thing I wanna see
Underneath the tree (Don't come home for Christmas)
Merry Christmas, I could care less

Don't come home for Christmas
You're the last thing I wanna see
Underneath the tree (Don't come home for Christmas)
Merry Christmas, I could care less

screw 97.1 This is my christmas song. :]
Yes it's FOB... So what?

I want to spend the holidays with my real family... Sam, Vy-anh, Amy, David, Tom, Calvin, etc.

Not my brother/mother... We've fought about one thing or another
I want to see Shannon/James, and Robby/Brandy, that's it. When they're gone.. Come save me.

Please?

Oh how the days go by...

This year has brought on many changes in my life, good and bad. I just wanted to say before I go any farther into this blog that I have had a very good year this year. :D

Stuff that's happened:

- Got closer to people I met last year
- Met new friends
- Got out more
- Got tanner, no more pale-ness xD
- Drama
- No more black hair
- Came-out
- No more long hair
- Red hilights!
- First times
- Blogging
- Ice Cream Man chase
- Midnight sneak in
- NO TEXTING IN CLASS
- JV Field Hockey/Lacrosse :D
- Passed Freshman year~!
- Boyfriends
- No more LJ!
- Children
- Life lessons
- Cab ride alone
- ATLANTIC CITY
- Take the good with the bad
- Secrets
- Beach with Bonnie, Bro and Sis - Sun, sand, shopping, sickness, guitar man xD
- Sweet 16!
- Hay: For "decoration" ...
- Calvin Lin Trend
- 4 AM convos


Resolutions/Hopes for 09:

- Lose weight
- Quit jacks
- Rebuild friendship w/ Jess
- Lower mile time
- Join Swim?
- Lax summer league?
- Pass Soph. year!
- Pick a college major & make pathway.
- Job!
- Buy colorful pants (w/ first paycheck)
- Nikon SLR!
- Be more frugal
- No more "fucking" sentences.
- Spend more time with my friends
- Lisence!
- Self Esteem
- Listen more often
- Guitar lessons? Self Teach?
- LEARN AND STICK TO AN INSTRUMENT
- Play DDR again!
- Become better artist
- Lower procrastination levels
- Work on meeting new people
- Join and/or Re-Start FCHS GSA!
- Write to Sister
- Stay in touch w/ far away friends (esp. Tyler)
- Expert vocals on Rock Band!
- Make it to seventeen years
- Revamp blog and make it a photo-diary :]

...

Dear Daddy,

In May it will be six years since I have seen you. In October I will be seventeen years old. I don't know what or where you have gone to, and I don't know if you can see me or know how I'm doing, but I'm fine. Yes, I'm fine. I don't know if I feel bad or not about not needing you around to be okay. I don't blame you for my depression, I blame my surroundings after what happened. I don't think that what you did or didn't do caused me to do what I did. I don't think that you being here would have changed the outcome at all. I don't think Mom has the right to think and say that stuff. She doesn't know what went on during that time. I do miss you, and I do love you, Daddy. I know that it's going to be hard without you, especially now because Mom refuses to see eye to eye with me. You always did. You always understood me. Mom just yells, and assumes. Never listens. I know that I was just ten when you left, but Mom has always been like that to me.

I know life would be a lot different with you around, and not Mom, or both of you together. That's why I don't really resent you leaving, I like life the way it is now, and I think it took me these six years to realise that. I would be a completely different person if you were still here, and I don't think I'd like being someone else. I don't need anyone to be happy. All I need is myself, and my willingness to try new things. I wish you could see my friends and how happy we are... I'm not who I used to be, Daddy. I grew up a great deal and I know that; Mom knows that, she's scared.

You should see Zach too, Daddy. He's so much older now, but hasn't changed. Everyone says he's like Nathan, and will have matured and grown by eighteen, but I don't really have much faith in him. You always did, though. He misses you too.

I don't really know how to end this in any other way, I've had a good life without you, even though I think about life with you every day.

Love,

Your daughter.



I hope Oh-Nine is just as good, if not better than Oh-Eight. :]
I've been impacted in so many ways by the people I've met throughout this year. I hope that nothing comes between us.

Have a merry Christmas, and if I don't see you a happy New-Year!

Love always <3

CLT: I've come to idolize people who are interesting enough to have their memoirs/biographies published... I want a life like that.

three in a row~! :]

Yesterday night I was feeling pretty shitty.

So I texted Jansen, asking him to cheer me up. Jansen always cheers me up. Well he couldn't call me because he was doing something at home at first. So I had this idea to call David and bother him because that's what I'm supposed to do, call David when I feel like bothering him. So I call David, he doesn't pick up. How sad.... I had a feeling he wouldn't pick up or call back.

Jansen calls, and we talked about Red vs. Blue, and some other stuff for about an hour (my phone says 51 mins exactly). We both went to sleep around eleven-ish. I slept for a total of... 40 minutes, or 10:56 to 11:36. David calls at 11:36.

That was the longest phone convorsation of my life.

David called me back at eleven-thirty-six PM. I was surprised. Jansen tried to assure me that he was just in the shower, or outside, or with the family. He actually called me back!

I didn't go to sleep until four-ten AM.

I'm really sleepy. xD

I know I complained alllllllll day about being sleepy. But I was afraid to stop talking or sleep, because my chest felt funny and it hurt to breathe. At one point my arms were getting numb... =\ I didn't want to stop breathing in my sleep.


You might be wondering what the hell we could've talked about for four and a half hours...

EVERYTHING. xD

We talked about everything. From what our favorite animals are to how our love lives are doing. Friends, ex-friends, food, movies, life, romance, drugs, drunk driving, pokemon, assassin's creed, it goes on and on. Everything you could think of we talked about it. It was rather funny. I laughed almost the whole time.

I'm surprised, usually it takes a few months before I'm comfortable enough to even call a guy. David and I rarely talk... Let alone have time to ourselves... It was fun learning about him though, and I felt like I got a lot out talking to him. =]

I told Tom that and he said: "I can see you guys going out soon..."

Hm.

I don't know...

I find that hard to believe because (yes, we talked about this too) David and I are both not into relationships, bad experiences. Besides, that was the first time we actually really "talked" too.

So don't start thinking about that stuff.
I'm not.
I don't know if he is or if he's not.

I mean, I'd like to know where we stand, but hey. Right now I'm just into meeting new people, and enjoying what I have.. I don't want to make any decisions that will change my life too much right now.

I'm sleepy.

My eyes are getting heavy.
I'm gonna take a nap.

Love always,

CLT: I'm way to curious for my own good...

Letters.

I want to post blogs every day... Because I have so much stuff in my mind :]

These are letters I will never send... If you read them, and they're about you... These are the truth. And the whole truth. I need to get this stuff out.

If you don't want to read them, because you don't know who they're about, or whatever.. don't. Okay?


Dear Jess,

Babe.. I miss you so much, it hurts.
If you were here, I would always be with you. I'd skip all 8 (seven plus Jag Time) classes just to see you. I have no idea why I feel the way I do after all the shit you put me through, believing Jennifer over me. When Jennifer has done nothing but lie to you and hurt you, and I've been nothing but faithful and as true as I can be with you, you believe her over me. I don't talk to you anymore because I don't want to intrude, or impose. If you're happy without me, I'm fine with that. I just want you to be happy.

I'm sorry I worry so much about you, I worry about your boyfriends and girlfriends hurting you, and the way you party, and the fact that I can't see you or be with you to keep you out of too much trouble.

I just miss you so much.
I wish I could tell you this in person. I do.
I wish you could feel the way I do.

Jessica, I would do anything for you. Absolutely anything.

Love,
Tiffany


Dear Liz,

It's not hard to see what you're hiding, and I don't like it. If you tell one person, you might as well tell everyone, because it's not hard find out. Word gets around, and if you're me, you can notice things. The color of your face is different, for one. It's subtle, but I can tell, I'm paranoid about that stuff now.

Know I won't tell anyone. Because it's your problem, not mine.

If you want a reaction, you shouldn't tell people. I don't like the way you're handling this. It's not just selectively telling people. It's not fair that you keep this stuff from certain people, and tell others, yea, but it's also the fact that this is an issue you should solve for yourself before you get more people involved. I'm so angry, because you're handling this in a way that I would never have handled it...

In my mind, I've had a love-hate thing with you. I hate the way that you can be bratty sometimes, but you're funny and you're always looking out for us in your own way. I just don't know how I can stay friends with you, at all honestly. You've become more than just a somewhat-bratty-yet-nice person. I don't understand you. I don't understand your thought process. Since eighth grade our relationship has been an occasional "hello!" in the hallway, and a few nights with the girls and/or the Children. We don't really talk much, but when I'm around you, I can't help but think that you're only out for yourself now. You haven't changed much, but your old qualities have come out more.

I just want to say that I'm always going to be supportive of you, and I'll always be there if you need me.

Love,
Tiffany


Dear Samantha/Vy-anh,

Guys, I love you, I really do.

I can't help but think that we've grown a little bit distant, especially Sam and I. I don't like it, at all. I miss seventh grade, when Sam and I were closer. I miss eighth grade, when I met you, Vy-anh. I love both of you dearly, I miss the sleepovers and the stuff that we did a long time ago, without the Children. I know that most of this is my fault.. Because I have a whole other group of friends, and I try to spend time with both. But I'm losing contact with the "other ones". I'm sad, but leaving them is for good reason, you guys are probably better for me than they are/were. I think that you guys help me and get me through things better than they do/did. They liked drugs, and sex, and drinking. Which is probably why I got involved in it before you guys did. I'm sorry, because I feel that I may have severed ties before you guys did. I have no right to take you for granted. Putting up with so much of my crap all the time.


I'll do everything I can to be better to both of you if you let me.
Love,

Tiffany


Dear Vinh/Jeremiah,

Boys, I miss you guys, but I think I am better off now without you in my life.
Because you guys are only into things that I'm not as into. I don't want that. I don't want to be sober, and have you guys hurt me like that. Jeremiah, when you drink, and call me, and say those things. It hurts so much, because I don't know what to believe, if you're just saying what you couldn't say sober, or if because you're drunk you don't know what you're saying.

Because I love you, and because you say you love me.
I have to go. And you have to let me go... For now.

Love,

Tiffany.


Dear Calvin, Tom, Vincent, and David,

Thank you so much for pulling me out of my element.

I'm usually so shy, but around you guys, I'm more out there, and I do a lot of stuff I probably wouldn't do with other people.

Calvin: I trust you more than anyother guy. I do. I almost never say the things I say to you to other guys, let alone other people. I don't want to tell you some things because I'm afraid I'll hurt you... So sweet. But I wish that I didn't have a specific mold to fit in... I'm not really the way you percieve me inside... I think that you're slowly realising that. But I don't want you to. I don't want to hurt you, I couldn't live with myself if I did.

Tom: You're awesome. You're hilarious, and you're nice, and you're always there for everyone. You got me out of my shell, you've kept me safer in my wants to rebel. I'm sorry that we aren't closer, but I try. Thanks for walking me to class every day.

Vincent: You're slowly influencing me to be myself. You are true, and you don't act any different around different people. I do that... But I want to be able to do what you do.

David: Singstar, beer pong, and techno. You make me do things I've never done before, and would never do without you being there. I mean, Singstar? Me? Up in front of people? Just me and one other person? ... You really tried to get me to play beer pong with you, I said no, I didn't want to get laughed at. But I ended up playing with Alex. I totally regret that.

You tried to teach me how to rave. You've told me I need more confidence, which I do. You've told me that I'm just a kid, I told you I'm not. But I am just a kid, there's a lot I haven't done and a lot that I don't know yet. I need to be reminded of that sometimes.

Just... Don't go anywere, and don't like.. Stop being around anymore or I'll end up being a stupid pothead again. I'm happier when you're there, I do more things when you're there.

Thanks guys... So much.
Love,

Tiffany.



More to come, most likely. I don't know if right now per se. But soon.

Love always, to all of you.

CLT: I rarely finish anything... I end up moving onto something else before I can finish.

Compy is fixed! yay :D

no complaints, today. I'm gonna stop ranting. =]

Life is good. Aside from the little bit of yelling in the house. And people keeping things from me.

Like Liz today.

Liz: "Wait.. Tiff..Have I told you yet?"
Me: "Wha?... No. I don't know what you're talking about."
Liz: "Vy-anh, have I told you yet?"
Vy-Anh: "Huh? What? Tell us!"
Liz: "No.. It's okay" *runs to Samantha and starts talking. About it, most likely.*

I hate that. Absolutely hate it.

If you're not planning on telling me, don't beat around the bush.

Nothing really surprises me much, I can take anything you have to say. I don't judge either. Most probably I've been in that situation too. Because you make one mistake, or do something bad, I still want to like you. And I usually will.

Today's Vincent's birthday~!
The cake was delicious, good job Ameh!
I made him a snowflake in Japanese, which Sammy lost. And bought balloons with Evelina.

I learned something today.
Vincent is such a sweetie.
I'm still gonna punch him.(To Vicent: bwahahaha)

But Vincent is a good person, all around. Shy, a little bit overimpulsive, and a teeny weeny bit gay. xD But Vincent is definitely one of the best people I've met. :]
I'm jealous of him, a little, to be honest.

I don't really believe Trang anymore. About any of them. I think that they've changed a lot since the events she told me about happened. I think that we've all matured, and we're all growing-up.

As much as I know I am, I don't want to.
And as much as I want some of the grown-up things... I know I won't be able to handle it.

Like the baby.
If you haven't noticed, I've been a little bit hung-up about it recently.
(Note: The scare/miscarrage/thing turned out to be nothing much, I was 3 weeks in, spotted, cramped, lost it. It was months ago.. but with Julio coming back into my life and his girlfriend being pregnant, and Dani's son... I thought I was over it, I'm not.)


What I figure is, if my body wasn't ready, I really wasn't ready emotionally.

Julio made me feel better, surprisingly, he did.
He said that it's best to know for sure you want to be with the mother/father forever, before you have kids. You have to really, really know, because you'll end up like him.
He wants the baby, not necessarily the relationship, because of the girl, and her attitude and whatever. He called her stupid, and bitchy. I call her horemonal.

I don't know about him.
He came to see me/Zach at the meet on Friday, and he's trying to get me to go eat/chill with him. So, I don't know where we're gonna go together.

I don't know who I'll be with anyway.

Today I think I'm attracted to X...
The next I think I love A...

I'm unsure about everything, not just my love life, if that's what it seems like. xD

But I'm psyched to find out the answers.
I'm happy, with or without him and/or the baby.
I'm alive, with or without him and/or the kid.

Life is beginning to become something worth experiencing again.
And no, it's not because of him/it.
I'm just slowly getting used to the thought of waking up in the morning, happy.

Thanks, guys. <3

CLT: I'd love to go on a roadtrip to the country, nowhere too far, like south VA, and watch the stars. No children stuff, no drama, just a little bit of stargazing and a little bit of relaxation.
Funfunfun.

Love always <3

I'm a teenage cliche, and I absolutely hate love it.

I text 24/7.

I'm obsessed with my weight.

I'm my happiest when I'm at Tom's house at midnight, or when I'm not supposed to be there ;].

My mother and I don't get along at all...

I daydream about boys and life after highschool.

I flirt.

I gossip.

I blog.

I make big deals about nothing.

I feel like crying one minute, and laughing the next.

I'm lost in my own head.

I love makeup, and music, and my friends.

Shopping. Nuff said.

I want to run away.... as far away as I can, but know it won't work.

I enjoy things that I shouldn't more than I do things that I should.


It's cliche to be yourself.
But it's also cliche to be a high school stereotype. Hm.

I love life. So complicated <3

I just want someone to hold hands with...
who calls me "babe."
someone I know I can't live without.




I'm stuck doing what I know is the right thing, and what I really want.
My heart wants me to believe he likes me...
My head knows he doesn't.

The fact that I'm attracted to another isn't even included in this equation.

I'm so jealous.
I miss what we had.
I miss what we might have had.

I'm going to be a good person from now on.
I'm going to live like I did before.
I'm going to think of the future, and what may happen.
Not what might have happened.

Guys.. I'm moving foreward.

Get ready :]

CLT: Baking = My therapy.

Names I like

Girls:

Naiomi
Elyse (aka Elle)
Minerva (aka Minnie)
Crystal
Ruby/Rubynell
Abigail
Colette
Jade
Roxanne
Rebecca
May
Belinda
Rosemarie (pronounced Rosemary)
Amanda
Sophia
Dolores (aka Lola or Lolita)

Boys:

Brendan
Xavier
Vincent
Eithan
Damien
Seth
Joshuah
Noah
Jacob
Liam (pronounced LEE-am)
Kollin (pronounced Collin)
Maxwell
Anthony
Gage
Emmett
Caine (pronounced Kane)

And suddenly -

I just don't feel okay.





i'm such a two-face, I've noticed.

with some people I'm practically begging to be included in something.
but with others, i'm begging to be left alone.

There are reasons I hate guys, physically, and emotionaly.


Even Cristian and Sasmit and those boys, I cannot bring myself to trust them.
It's because of the things that I've gone through with them.
I've been double-crossed, chewed-up, and spit out. For absolutely no reason.



and the two that have done the most damage to me over the years just-so happen to want back into my life.


One is the most clingy, emotionally deprived bastard I know. Trying to prove himself to me, like I'm a prize to be won. Making his life seem like such a wonderful thing do be a part of, when it's not. I'm not a little kid anymore, I can see through this. So stop texting me and asking if I want to chill. STFU.

The other is the most enigmatic, alluring person... He's not as attractive as some, but his personality just draws me back. And I keep coming. Begging for his touch, which he wants to give me. I have problems with the circumstances of this but I know I'm going to let go of it all for him.. again. I just can't bring myself to make him stop. He's a monster, but he can get inside my head and make me do things I don't want to do. I'd do anything for him, because I can't make myself stop.
^ he hurt me so much the first time... I was not myself for months my heart hurt and my head was all a-jumble. I can't believe that I let him do that to me. I can't believe I'm going to let him do it to me again.

What kills me inside is, I can't actually call what we did "rape," but I can't call it a two-way concentual thing. I could never press charges but I could never make myself say that I wanted that.

I did want it, on some level, I think. But I didn't want what he gave me. I told him to stop, and that it wasn't right, during it, and yet i didn't do anything else.


I was talking to Trang all throughout Precalc.


About everything/one in my life (that I/we met last year) and how she thinks that they're not trustworthy and are backstabbers and w.e. And... I'm a little freaked-out to be honest. I've never known Trang to not be truthful and to not be a real person. I also don't know if this is the whole story, or if this is just Trang's side. Would anybody else confirm this stuff? If I asked someone other than Tom, David, or Vincent (that has known them longer than the Sophmores have) about them will I get the same answers?



It has been almost a year since Trang said the events occured.
Maybe they've changed???


It makes me angry... and it makes me worried.


Because I don't want to get hurt or stabbed in the back again. I don't want my friends to be stabbed in the back.


Me: "Trang, do you think I should watch over them?"

Trang: "How can you do that if you're drunk or smacked or whatever?!"

Me: "No no, I mean I know, but I mean, I usually don't have enough to get stupid or throw-up or do anything too messed-up with guys or whatever. and I'm trying not to hook-up anymore. It's working. But do you think I should? Or what. Because I can't have them going through what I've gone through and I can't have Samantha or Vy-anh get taken advantage of and be there, drunk, and not be able to get them help."

Trang: "You see then. That they're not trustworthy."

Me: "I don't know.. but I don't know them very well. I know their likes and dislikes and what they're about on the outside, but I don't know their pasts well, or things like that. So I can't trust them."

Trang: "I'm glad you see that, and I don't want them hurt there either. I hope you do take care of them."

......

Sam, Anh-Vy. I trust you completely with my whole heart. I love you guys so much. You two are probably the people I tell the most stuff about my life. I love you two and I don't want to see you go through things that I have gone through. It's not that I think that you need protecting. It's the fact that if someting did happen to you, and I could have prevented something like that from happening, I wouldn't be able to live with myself. I'm not going to be that "we have to go let's go," girl. The one at the parties who is your cockblocker. I'll just make sure he isn't gonna take an overly-drunk girl up to the bedroom by himself.


I'm so, so, sorry I worry so much.
People are so fake.
Myself included.





CLT: I know that my friends are my friends, but I'm always worried that they really aren't. I feel absolutely pathetic when I'm not included in convorsation.

it begins...

I've redescovered my fondness for camera whoring :]]]
and photoshopping things.
so here.
a sample for all of you.

some of the lil dots won't go away... but i like my face in this one :D

The pink text if you can't read it says: "this is me, and all I'll ever be."

who are you, really?

answer me that question.

Who are you, really?

Are you always true, and do you act the same way around everyone you meet? Do you gossip about people who are your best friends? Go over situations in your minds, and judge? When friends aren't supposed to judge?



Hm..... I've been pondering that for a while.


Who am I?



There are always two sides to every story.. who I think I am is most likely completely different to who others think I am.



Sometimes I think that I'm a bitch.. and I make myself out to be this judgemental, put-me-before-everyone-else kind of person. Which is usually not the case. When I'm in a bad mood or something, I get picky, and just want everybody else to feel as bad as me. Sometimes I thik that people should just do what I want them to do... Because I'm just feeling like I have no control. Selfish, no?

Sometimes I think that I'm wayyyyy too sensitive. I get over-dramatic about the smallest things or one situation in perticular will make me so angry that I just don't wanna stop talking about it or I'll explode.

And other times I find myself feeling like I'm a manipulative person. Who can warp people's minds into doing what I want them to. Most of the time it's a sexual thing, but I know I can use myself and I use it to my advantage.

And then other days.... I like who I am, and I like what I've become, and I know that all of those sides to me are just reflected differently with the situations I'm in, and the people I'm with.

I think that the last one is the most real. :D

===blah===

OhMyGosh.

Guys.

You are retarded when you're drunk.

You really are.

3 shots the whole night. No weed. Some cigarettes.

Just 3 jell-o shots (1 because I had never had one, and the other 2 because they were that effing good)

I saw the WHOLE THING. No memory lapses, no constant urges to leave and go to the bathroom. I saw the whole thing! Sober as a bird.

I'm 2 for 4 now. SUCK IT. :D

Now I want to record myself drunk. Apparently it's interesting. xD

If only he'dve noticed me last night... Heh.
I was trying to be more out-there this time.. but unfortunately all my friends were busy either with guys or sleeping... I'm a lot more shy than people know. Dx

GODD. I'm an idiot. Thinking anybody, not just him, would be interested in me there..
The little white girl, who sticks out as it is, trying to chill with a bunch of geeky asians who just-so happen to be on average 2 years older than her.

He told me to be more "out-there..." and to have more self-confidence.. which is a little hard to do if you're me.

Heh.

I sort-of wish things happened. But then again I don't. Because I have a CRUSH on him, okay. I don't even like him like that. I don't want to fuck him.

God this is odd (heh, egg.).. I'm paranoid. What if he READS this and thinks I'm strange. I don't post the link anywhere else but my AIM profile, but Vy-anh's blog is reach-able via Facebook, which means he could click on the link and read this and think i'm a creep. -___-

i'ma stop now.

CLT: I wear my life on my sleeves... I'm very open with people, which is probably bad... But yea.. If you wanna know something about me, anything. Just ask! I'll most likely tell you and be like whatever.

Well.. My mother decided to ground me last weekend for drinking behind her back.
She read old texts about hangovers and automatically assumed I had been drinking.
Her smelling alcohol on me once didn't help much..


Hm... I go behind her back about drinking, she takes my old phone/SIM card out of the trash can and reads the texts on it. I mean, she's just as sneaky as me.


I'm ungrounded now, after twisting her arm a little, and my sister standing up for me.


Basically she said the reason for her being so hard with me is because she loves me and whatnots. She's so hard on Zach because she had postpartum depression with him and not me... blahblahblah.

that doesn't account for sneaking behind my back, and not letting me make my own decisions. She wants me to be the one who goes to college, and the one who makes something of herself, and not "like her..." Yet she's smothering me the way her parents did to her.


I don't understand her logic.


Maybe it's because of my age, or because I don't like being critisized... But I can't stand her when s he does that.


Her main defense it is illegal for me to drink at my current age. The one that pisses me off the most is that she believes that I am "incapable of making decisions for myself." She said i'm too young to do that, when i've been doing it for years.



She's given me choices before. I've had chances to do bad/good before... most of the time I've lived up to her expectations... now that I'm not I'm apparently a stupid bitch who is deserving of a life sentence in jail.

When she did worse things than me.
Granted, in college, not high school, but still.

I'm sick of people critisizing me and my lifestyle, for no apparent reason.

I keep my grades up,
I keep my MORALE up.
I just have a dark side, like everyone else.

so...


just stop it.

CLT: I find it very easy to get on parent's good sides, but the downside to this is I have to try my hardest to appease them AND their kids/my friends.

you get two, because the last post doesn't have one.

CLT: I rarely believe in second chances, even if I think someone deserves one, I don't usually forgive them until a LONG time after.

okay, umm... I'm writing this on some sort of writing website, that will force me to write or I will get Rick Roll'd..... I like it. xD
I'm writing here because I don't really have the inititave to blog anymore... so this helps.
What's going on in my life?? Hm. Let's start with this:
I don't understand him, I don't understand her, I hate my love life. Yes I realise that probably 3/4 of my blog is about my love life... but I don't really have anything going on (that I can write about in THIS blog) right now except for that.

Tuesday me and him had a short, half-hour conversation that can be summed up in a few sentences: We both agree that we love/miss each other a lot, but it's very hard to keep this relationship alive, because of the distance (well he says it's distance, I say it's his libido...), and the temptation. I mean, we have to work on it to keep it alive, right?? I'm trying, he's appparently trying. We both are a little worried that things won't work out, because outside sources are tempting us, and we don't have much time for each other face to face.
He basically told me that there's this girl that he "likes the way he loves me (wuh??)." He's attracted to her, but he doesn't wanna break-up with me, and he says that losing me would hurt more than the happiness he'd feel with her. I said that I didn't care either way (through tears), and that him happy would make me happy. An easy breakup would be a lot easier than a painful relationship.

I'm a little confused with my love life too, me and her (not the 1st period one, Sammy) haven't been talking much. It's awkward. The awkward-ness of our relationship sprung from that incident last month, and I still can't bare the sight of them.
Since when was Tammy on the Varsity Winter Cheer??? She looked so fucking lost the whole time (at the basketball game). Like she didn't practice, and expected to be spot-on. What. The. Hell. She looks like that on the field... Maybe now she'll realise it. ~hahaha, Just had to put that in there.

I want to be with her, too. I told J that, he said that because of his crush, he wouldn't feel bad if I went out with her.. I said I wouldn't, because I didn't think that it would be good for Her. I told her I missed her today, because I do.. She told me she misses me too. I don't know what I'm going to do with her.
((LOL.. If I don't write the Peanut Butter Jelly Time song comes on. SUPER LOUD xDDDDD))

Long story short is, Jeremiah and I wanna be together, but we're having problems because we don't talk enough. Long distance crap.
---------------------------------------topic change xD--------------------------------

I'm struggling with keeping myself in check. I've been procrastinating a lot lately, and I've been wearing my emotions a lot more on my sleeves than usual. Like with those freshmen in first period, the ones I told to shut-up? That was where it started. I just can't fucking keep my mouth shut anymore. If I don't like something, I'm going to come right out and say it. It doesn't take much to set me off.

I wish I was like Vy-anh in this aspect, because she can just cry it out... I get violent, my words pierce, and so do my emotions. I don't think you're a crybaby Vy-anh, I just think it's a lot healthier to cry than to scream and act like a psycho.

The whole procrastination thing, hm. I don't really know where I'm going with that, but what I think I mean is that I kind-of let myself do what I want to do, without restraint. I just do it and don't care about the outcome, until the outcome. Then I sulk because I KNOW it was my fault something happened. I hate that. I don't know what to do to make myself feel better about it. About anything after that. I just feel retarded.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

I've been wondering why I don't put myself out there as much too. The other day, in English (If you've already heard this story then skip over it). I was chosen to be the leader of our "Island," we were apparently stranded in the classroom which was and island, and we had to act like a tribe: electing leaders, hunters, etc, build a shelter, and find proper information to keep everyone identified. We finished. Only because I was the Leader and was yelling the whole time.... I hated being the center of attention. I really did. I did it anyway though. Because I knew that nothing would get done unless someone who was loud and agressive was leader. Hey, you just saw a side of me you've never seen before!
Well, normally I'm not like that, not even in a position of power. I was so fucking embarassed afterwards...

I don't know how to talk to people... it's difficult for me to make new friends, or even just to talk to new people...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wells... It's Saturday today... My sister is coming over to celebrate my brother's birthday. We spent four hours cleaning our house. I spent twenty at the hair salon, getting my brother to finally trim his matted, unkempt hair. Needless to say he did, thank god. We always put on our best faces when Shannon comes over. Our happiest smiles, our nicest clothes, our best attitudes. It's my mother's idea, really. She wants everyone to believe that her family is close-knit, been through tragedy and prevailed, happy.

Well, I'm not happy.

I hate the fact that she does this. She does it with her friends, boyfriends, and my sister. They're not even related! Shannon is my half-sister, and my mother is her stepmom. She's the one who taught me to always have a facade. Smile, make friends, be happy. No one likes an emotionally fucked-up 16-year-old. She's the one who puts me down, and calls me stupid. And expects me to be okay.

She's the one who dates multiple people, goes to parties, and is on the phone more than me.

I'm supposed to do that stuff, not the multiple people thing, but I'm the teenager. Her gone means I'm at home, watching Zach, watching HER. There are some days that she ends up blairing her music, and screaming it at the top of her lungs. I'm the one vaccuuming, telling Zach to get a shower and go to bed, telling her to turn her music down.

I can't stand her sometimes.

She's more my child than my mother.

I miss my sis.

This summer I told her about me doing pot, and drinking. She just laughed, and told me her stories. She's got some good ones.

She's not my mom's friend. She's my sister. I deserve to be able to talk to her.

She knows that I'm going to party, and she knows how anal my mother can get. She understands as much as she can... She's older than me, by fourteen years. She didn't have someone to confide in like I do about that stuff. So I don't think she knows what to do with me. xD

I miss her more than she knows.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I want to be happy again.

I want to go party again.

I want to run away. Not from anything, to something else.

Come with me? We'll go to New York City, live Bohemian.

Own a cramped little flat in between an asian market, and more little apartments full of other aspirings.

We'll wait tables by day, sell drugs by night.

Eat strictly organic vegan foods, and make friends with the locals.

Get into art school only because of our extensive portfolios, Vy-anh for her sketches, me for my photographs.

Calvin will open coffee shops, Samantha indie record stores.

We'll wear shower-curtain dresses and old jeans that smell like mothballs and a year's worth of drinking benders.

Let's get out of here.

blah.

i'm listening to the beach boys.

that one song, from 50 first dates??

wouldn't it be nice if we were older, and we didn't have to wait so long???


Sigh..

so much to say... so much crap inside my head.

strangely i don't really wanna type it all out at the moment.
So my next post shall be long.

Very long.

A gradual post that I shall put together when i feel like it this week.

Consisting of things having to do with:

• Relationships
• Being "out there"
• Emotions on sleeves
• Whores
• My sister
• and.... something happy i suppose.

Cya then.

woo

I was watching one of my favorite shows last night, Big Bang Theory (I loveeee Sheldon xD), when I had the urge to draw.


I've been sketching since yesterday night. xD

Maybe I'll put pictures up???

CLT: I hate, absolutely hate, being caught behind a slow person in the hallways. Especially couples, cause I can't get around them. xD

as much as I can say I don't need him, I do.

as much shit that he's put me through, I should be through with him, but I'm not.

I miss him so much it hurts.

I'm tired of calling and getting his dad on the phone... telling me he's not there. When I know he is.

I'm mad that I can't save him, and I'm angry that he said he'd always choose me over the booze.
I'm hurt, and I know he doesn't care.

as much as you can say he was not good enough for me... I still love him.

The 5 months I'd been talking to him, and the 2 I'd been dating him were possibly the best months of my life.

And now we go from talking hours every night to not even speaking.

I'll get over it, I hope.

Fucking. Basslines!

Playlist 4??? 5?? one or the other.

Techno/Trance music, it'll stay in your head for dayyyyys:

Just Dance - Lady GaGa
Bounce - Tune Up! (My favorite)
Boys Boys Boys - Lady GaGa
Yeah Yeah! - Bodyrox featuring Lucianna (Anna ;])
Popcorn - Hot Butter (Patu's blog)
Starstruck - Lady GaGa
Heaven - DJ Sammy
Bacteria remix - Pendulum
Bigger Than Big - Supermal featuring Lucianna
Sakura - From DDR Extreme?
I Wish - Infected Mushroom

Dance Music :D

Gangster Trippin' - Fatboy Slim
That's Not My Name - The Ting Tings
Hangin' Around - The Polyponic Sprett
FSCENE8 - The Medic Droid
Cobra Style - Teddybears Stockholm
La Vie Boheme - Rent Cast?? (ok, this isn't really dance music, but I dance to this song almost every day xD)
Spazz - N.E.R.D

Hey you! Yea, you! Psst... Fuck You :]

Lateley I don't know what to do with myself.

There's this shell around me that I can't crack. A sort-of, numbness I guess? No matter how much fun the situation is, I don't feel like I am doing anything fun. The only sort-of emotions Tyler told me how she slowly wants to turn off her emotions, and apparently it's working for her. Well, I don't want it, but it's happening to me as well. Tell me something, anything, in my mind I'll be thinking up what to say and how to say a response. Which is probably why I've had this tendency to blow-up in people's faces recently. Not go off per se, but just sort of get set-off and not shut up. I notice I do these things after they've already happened, and think to myself: "Wow.. what the hell was I talking about"

I don't know when to stop the charade... I have some emotion, yes. I just think they're getting a lot harder to control. And don't think that I don't care, or don't want to be there for you just because I'm a little bit messed-up in the head at the moment. I do. I care. I mean this.

====this is my topic changer bar====

Constantly I have opportunities to cheat in my relationship. Constanlty I debate whether or not to take them. I used to believe in the whole "no cheating, cheating is bad," thing. All I've been exposed to relationship-wise has been adultery.

+Julio. End of story.

+I cheated on Vinh with Jess.

+Vinh's cheating on his current girlfriend with another girl.

+Jeremiah was a self-proclaimed manwhore when I met him.

The physical part of relationships is pretty much all I want at the moment. He rarely calls, we have no time for each other, almost no time alone, he's still drinking, I'm not getting anything out of this. I want him to notice me again, I'm still here.

I long for a relationship where I can have the physical part and the mental connections. We click, mentally. We click physically, just not often enough. As much as he's on my mind, there are things I need and things I want that I just don't get.

He asked me why we have to have sex every time we see each other.

I tell him it's fucking hard to hold weeks of physical need in, and only have eight hours to exert all of it at once.

He agrees.

====I like these things====

I don't understand people sometimes, nobody ever gives. They just take. I see people who constantly need attention or they become horribly annoying. People who will do everything their friends do just to belong, and the friends know.

I know people who call their friends "disappointments" when they aren't willing to try anything either. They assume that no one is trying to stay friends, and no one wants them around, when its exactly the opposite. I've noticed that in perticular.. Some people tend to push others away when they get too close. They get invited places, and then they sit there and complain: "I'm so bored, I wanna go home."

Why would any one try in that situation?

What makes me frustrated is the fact that they expect to be invited places, when they don't invite anyone anywhere either. If not at their house, for any reason, or the mall because of transportation and whatnots. Ask if they want to do something after school???

It hurts because they don't even recognise the fact that we're trying. In the hallways we always say hello, after school when we see them we hug and chat even for a minute. Want someone to say hello? Say hello first. The only way to establish a connection is to have both ends working. This isn't all our fault here. So look at yourself and what you can do to make things work before you blame other people.

That made me so fucking angry yesterday. I hope you know that. You know who you are.

====tangent number three...====

Am I the only one with the balls to speak up about anything??? Vy-anh, Sammy and I had a little convorsation about this yesterday. I've stood up to quite a few people when no one else could or would. I'm just as about-to-shit-my-pants about confrontation as any one else, believe me, I shake and I tear-up when I'm talking to them. Then I get so angry that it doesn't matter anymore. I've heard so much shit about certain people, yet no one has ever spoken directly to them about it except me. I don't understand why that is.

I've stood up to:

• Mrs. Luck
• Mr. Usher
• Mrs. Bellamy
• Shabanna
• Those annoying as fuck freshmen boys in first period
• Now I guess the people I'm referring to in tangental topic number 2

We all have had problems with these people at one time or another. It's time to speak for yourselves, or I'm going to look like even more of a lunatic.

====Last time, I swear!====

Welllllll... you know what's going on around me. Hell, I'm practically never alone. Now you know what's inside my head at the moment. I think that's pretty much it.

I'm ready for a nap... I'm not going anywhere today ((sorry for cancelling guys..))

Cya Wednesday, loves. <3

CLT: [in response to Vy-anh's] I had night terrors about death and dying as a kid. I always analyzed it and became so afraid of it at night I would be afraid of closing my eyes, too scared that I wouldn't wake up the next morning if I did. Then I experienced it more... I'm kind of wavering about it.

Metrobus Adventures.

I was riding on the Metrobus to Tysons with my brother when I started thinking.

Dunno... I wanted to write something contemporary, so.. here goes:


A dollar's worth of awkward silences and uncomfortable glances.
Mouths tightened by the unknown faces.
Eyes darting, unfocused.
Like a fly buzzing from light to light.
Shush.

Ipods and The New York Times form walls.
Don't look up.
What song is this?
What page am I on?
Focus.
Eyes penetrate like hail through straw roofing.

Mothers clutching babies clutching dolls
Keep the kids quiet.
Shrieks shatter the stone statues from their open-eyed slumber.
"Shut the kid up!"
Mommy flashes an awkward smile, laughs an awkward laugh;
Her face matches the stoplight.
Scorned.
No words... We know.

Uncomfortable swaggers from frequent riders
overpower tuxedo-clad-ohfuck-the-car's-still-in-the-shop newbies.
Smile and tip the Starbucks cup.
Gulp.
No words.
Learn fast.

A dollar's worth of awkward scilence and uncomfortable glances.
A handful of lives in a handful of coins.
We don't speak.
Words don't mean anything here.
Friends don't need words.

Walk off and on your way.
Let's do it again sometime~.

Hm.

CLT: I first realised I was attracted to girls when I watched Xena: Warrior Princess as a kid. I had such a crush on Lucy Lawless (Xena)
I was like... 8 years old.

I confirmed the fact to myself that I was somewhat attracted to girls/possibly bi when I was in [most likely] seventh grade. I was at my Elementary School's Concert (Zach was in Chorus/Band... those mandatory sixth grade things xD)...
I couldn't stop staring at this one boy's older sister.

She was maybe seventeen?
Spanish.
Long black hair.
I couldn't take my eyes off her.

Currently

Wanting:

• To improve my drawing skills (realism)
• To learn more about photoshop
• A new house key
• A job.
• Better organization
• My new Wardrobe (Christmas presents....)
• 6 extra hours in the day.

Obsessing over:

• Jack Skellington
• Fashon design
• Shoes
• Agusten Bourroughs
• Reeces Cups
• Trance beats
• Kurt Vonnegut
• Musicals (especially RHPC and Rent :D)
• My photography stuff
• Him of course!

Wishing:

• We had more time together...
• They were closer.
• She hadn't moved
• I had a car >:[
• I cared more about school

Listening to:

• Rage Against the Machine (The usual...)
• Soundgarden (new!)
• Sublime (well yea...)
• Bob Marley (mhmm.)
• Hollywood Undead (Of course)
• Incubus (Doi)
• Mindless Self Indulgence (DUH)
• Trance/Techno :DDDDD (My new favorite genre xD)

Musing:

• I wonder why i never peel off the safety plastic on butter/sour cream/etc....
• How did I miss the cereal in the pantry??
• Why do I correct all the typoes I have on AIM?
• What makes me think about him all the time?

Gainsville Trip~!

My first cab ride.

My first hangout w/ Vinh and Jeremiah outside of my neighborhood.

It was fun :D

I have a vid.
((of them arguing...))

It's blurry.. and all you can hear is me xD
But hey, now you can see who they are:

Vinvin is the asian dude. and Jeremiah is the other one. I love my boys <3

My mom says I have bruises on my chest. When I don't -____-

"So did you have sex Tiff?"

"WHAT?!?!?!?! NO?!?!"

Pictures!

Vinvin wanted my ipod...

and lost the fight.... He's a little Emo kid xD

CLT: Waiting in line by myself scares the crap out of me.

I can't decide if this helped me or not.

i'm so angry
with these people.
because what the hell did I do to them?
i've never been ill to anyone on the team until now.

Aneela was being a bitch to me the other day.
and I lashed out
completely
I was getting stuff set up for senior night.
and like, I was apparently in her way
when there are like... 3 sets of stairs on the bleachers she could've gone down on
so she was like:
"scuse me..."
and I was like:
"w.e" *moves over*
her: "well.. what. the. fuck."
me: "Sorry?"
her: "What you're in my way!"
me:"well. i'm working here."
her:"well you're in my way."
me:"well you're an insensitive bratty homophobic bitch."
her/tammy/igor/everybody else: "ohhhh! dykes be startin something"
yep.
that was as close to verbatim as I can remember.

I saw them (Carlos, Igor, Tammy, Aneela) conversing about me afterwards too.

All I could hear was Tammy say:

"At least I don't make-out with girls"

To clarify, I'm not gay, therefor I am not a "dyke." I will never be a "dyke" because I am not a homesexual. I'm not even bisexual. I'm pansexual. Which means I can be attracted to males/femaels/transpeople (I only label myself this because I can identify with it... I have a certain attraction to transpeople... mostly through my intrique of androginy). I don't really care what people call me. I hate labels.

I'm glad Vickie was there, though.

I have no idea why I'm letting this get to me. Earvin told me that I should've expected this, to tell you the truth, I didn't. I love my friends, and I know all of them are accepting of it. I've never had a bad reaction. I wasn't expecting it to escalate to this. I was expecting some backlash eventually.... but not like this. I feel even worse because Margarita wasn't fully "out" to all of her friends. I'm out to pretty much the whole crew.

I don't know what I did to anyone either.

Hell, I don't know what Margarita did either.
She's been nothing but nice. A HELL of a lot nicer to everyone than everybody else. I haven't heard her speak ill of anyone on the team. Not even of the people on the team that EVERYONE speaks ill of.

and I know for a fucking fact that [another person on the team] is bi as well, she's told me, [her boyfriend] told me.

Think it's gross?
Fer sure its gross. Its making-out for God's sake. Its only a beautiful act when you're involved ;)

Its also gross to see heterosexual couples sucking face in the hallways.
I could name names here.... But I'm sure you've seen a few people full on tongue kissing hands in the hair groping moving around blah blah blah in the halls before.

I have. It makes me want to vomit.

And you don't say a thing about that.

Mmkay.

I see how it is.

whatever.

Go ahead.

Call me a bitch.

Tell me I have no right to be angry that you outed me/her.

Tell me that it's gross.

Tell me that I have no right to be mad because it was in public.

Tell me that I'm a whore for doing it.

Tell me all that shit that you want to tell me because I'm angry and I'm taking it out on the people that made me feel this way.

Because I'm frustrated.

Because I feel betrayed.

Because I feel like I've tried my hardest to put the past behind me.

and be open,

and be nice,

and not judge,

and no one seems to care that I've changed, or am at least trying to change.

That I've kept myself from bursting at the seams at practice when people fuck around.

That I've made myself let people be people.

And not make comments or get annoyed when they're just being themselves.

And no one does the same for me.

Damn right I'm angry/betrayed/hurt.

Fuck you guys.

I can honestly say I hate you.

And I can honestly say that I will never trust any of you.

And I can say that you're fake, and when you're "friends" ask me why I can bring this whole thing up.

And I think that my life would be so much better if I never spoke to you again.

Heh.

Whatever.

Fuck you.

Note: I just found out that Jess has pictahhs of Jeremy/Vinvin/my other crew. :D
Sooooo I'ma steal thems from her myspace. and you can drool at my bf all you want~!


XDDDDDDDDDDDD ironically this post is my "69th" I can't stop laughing.

I'm aware that we were on a bus
I'm aware that it's public, and open to an audience.

But blowing it out of proportion like that????

What the fuck are you doing??

You people are possibly the most inconsiderate, homophobic, immature, bitches I have ever had to deal with.


Talking about it is one thing.
People talk, I'm fine with that.

But photographs???
And shit like that?

What did I ever do to you to deserve that?
What did she ever do to you to deserve that??

And your only defense is that it was on the bus home?
Okaysure.
It was in public.
But it was also dark, and it was also very loud.
You guys were doing your own thing, I was doing my own thing.

If it was a guy and a girl, it would be normal??? YES?


okay, go ahead, and tell me that I'm freaking out.
Tell me that what they did was right, photographing me and her kissing. AND THEN TEXTING IT TO EVERYONE.
Tell me that that's okay.
Because you know that I would never do something so evil to anyone.
That's not me being anything but truthful.

I swear, I would never do something like that.

CLT: I've always thought that I have a more "masculine" way of thinking... I don't scream at spiders, I hate pink, I love "that's what she said." I don't do that much feminine stuff... aside from wearing makeup, and writing potery, and talking about boys -____-

virus on my computer... this is the only access i have to my blog... i'm currently looking at new places to post. i'll post the link asap. love always

Just hold me,
and tell me its going to be okay.

Life is pretty much going to hell right now.

Happy birthday to me (just follow the day)

Light
And day
Is more than you’ll say
Cause all
My Feelings
Are more
Than I can let by
Or not

My blog needed a little revamp :]


so here we go.

Another year older, another year to change.

I've always said change is good.

Happy birthday to me.

I can't believe how many people gave me stuff yesterday.
Sarita, Evelina Chau, Tyler, Tom, Elena, Leah Sam, Liz, Any-Vy, and so many people had birthday wishes.
The day before at our homecoming event Sammy and Tyler even ordered me pie. ^^ Everyone sang.
I was so happy. I still am,

I love my friends, I really really do.

Speaking of love~
Its a wonder why I can't hold a relationship, its my type, my type of guys that I'm into.
Jeremiah still drinks behind my back a lot. I can't make him stop and I can't monitor him any more than I already try to. It KILLS me to think that he could die, or get into some sort of incident because of it.

and because I can't save him from himself

It's me or the beer, that's what I'm going to tell him. I'm not going to blame myself anymore, and I'm not going to be the one who picks him up after he goes down again. Vinh thinks he wants to be just like his father, maybe that's right. I don't know. We talk about that stuff a lot, relapsing, and trying to be good. I'm trying to let him know whats up, and I'm trying to tell him to let up, but he's not. I can't stop him from drinking, but it's out of control. Jess told me about an incident yesterday regarding him and his drinking. She told me yesterday about it, it didn't happen yesterday.

If he's playing me w/ the drinking, what else hasn't he told me..........

Jess. Ohmahgawd Jess.

She called to wish me a happy birthday yesterday, I miss her. We can talk about anything, anything at all, and she won't judge me. She's got this reputation of being a pothead, and that's all, but there's more to her than that. The stuff just clouds her judgement and perception sometimes.

I can honestly say she's the first female I've actually had feelings for.

Her crush has feelings for me.
What.
The.
Fuck.

I'm astounded, considering the person.
And her ex has feelings for me as well.
What.
The.
Fuck.
x2.
Strangely, I have a certain attraction to them at the moment. Its most likely because of the circumstances. They like me, hey, let's see what they're like.

I was on the phone with them till midnight, when I started dozing.
I didn't really know what to do/say. They were so nervous, I couldn't help but stay with them.
I ended up flirting a little bit too. I'm worried I'll seem to act a certain way, and make them believe in certain things that aren't true.

Which happens a lot with me and romance.
I get caught-up.
Which is why I don't do well with relationships.
Because my feelings sway so easily.

Like today, heh.

I don't know what came over me, but I wanted it.
The X.
I just wanted it.
I wanted to escape.
I wanted to feel a bit like I knew I could.
Happy and carefree.
I'm a natural pessimist.
I need to feel something other than a resounding hate once in a little while.

The X made me feel like someone different, I felt things differently, reacted to things differently, expressed my thoughts differently.
I just needed it.

Why at school? I don't have a real reason for that.
I wanted it, in the morning, because that's when I recieved it.
I took it, after feeling the tablets in my pockets for a while.

I felt safer at school.
People to keep me out of trouble.
No real things to hurt me.
No stimuli that could affect my trip, but Sammy. xD

I realised something today.

There's something about this person, let's call her Fiona (the 1st name that popped into my head xD), that makes me feel bad.
Like I want to tell her, I want to shake her wildly and scream in her face:

You're fucking normal! There's no reason for you to act this way! So ignorant sometimes! So incoherent all the time! There's a brain in your head that works! Use it!

She brings me down.

Anh-Vy.
She brings me up :]

I feel kind of distant to her, because I don't get a lot of readings from her. I know when she's sad and such, but its a little hard to tell when she wants company.

My "readings" are my vibes i guess. I can tell what's going on from just looking at somebody, somebody I know pretty well. I know instantly when they're sad, or when they're angry, I'm good at it I guess, I have a pretty high-accuracy rate. Not to be cocky, but hey. It's my talent. I have to show it off. ^^

She's easily set off, like me, from what I can tell.
I don't know what to do sometimes.
Because I don't know what to say sometimes.
I don't know how she'll react.

Like me, sometimes I don't know how I'll react till I hear what people have to say. If somebody tells me something on a certain day, I may act differently if they tell me on a different day.

I'm not very good with critisism at all though.

That's why I like her blog~
I feel as if I can learn how to take some things, and not get mad at myself for making her upset.

Her intelligence, and her views on the world amaze me. I would really like to have a neat convorsation about the world over tea and homemade scones with her (hint hint Anh-Vy :D).

heh, sorry Vy-anh!
I don't mean to try to describe you, or something, and I hope I'm being correct with what I'm saying.

I don't really know how to feel right now.
I'm not angry, and I'm not sad,
but I'm not happy.
I'm numb, as usual.

I'm comfortable in it.

Hm.
I found a new band that I like. =D

They're called The Polyphonic Spree.
They did that Just Follow the Day song (just follow the day and reach for the sun~). Which just-so happen to be the lyrics on the top of my post today.

I found them while stumbling. It was this little game, with their music in the background.

Google "Quest For the Rest Game" (I'm too lazy to find the game myself xD), and play the little point n' click.
You'll get a good idea of their music.

Or just Google them! Play the tracks in the music section.

Heh,
I feel better,
I got a lot out. ^^

Au revoir~

The Calvin Lin Trend: I [try to] monitor what I say around certain people, because some people will judge me. I just know it.

just a little bit weird.

apparently, there's this TV show on Disney about a spanish construction worker who drives a flatbed.

I just watched the commercial for some toy of his.

Handy Manny or something?

I wonder if parents see any of the things I see.

I've lost Ipods, Cell phones, books, notebooks, pencils.

But how the hell do I lose a bag???

Eh, not lose.

more like "misplace"
I left it in the cafeteria lobby.

I mean, who would want my stuff,
I had my Ipod/Cellular with me.

Good thing is, I left it there after late busses, so the only people who might have picked it up were Janitors.

i can't believe I did that...

The only things I'm worried about are my PreCalc textbook, my TI83 and Jess's necklace (the blue shark-tooth one).
The sentimental/expensive stuff.

I don't need anything else.
The bag either! Just give me that stuff back.

Heh, so if you see it, give me a shout.

i.. ur, uhh, what I mean is ~

FOLLOW-UP ON LAST BLOG


I've been seeing a lot of those cookie-cutters lately.

I know I shouldn't care.


But if I judge them, are they judging me back??


And I'm not judging.
I'm speaking truth.


when speaking in specifics, the people who fall under this category do all the things in that category, to me, show no sense of individuality.

Maybe they're individuals in their mainstream-ness???

Which kind of depresses me.


Thats what I've been pondering.
xD

quick n' easy blogging.

I've learned to blog in the mornings, when I'm finished getting ready for school, because I don't have time to compose something large anymore.

I want my own computer T-T

((HAH. that counts as my last Calvin Lin Trend post)) :D

I absolutely hate people who are mainstream, everything.

people who wear Hollister/American Eagle/Abercrombie clothes,

read primarily mainstream books (yes, they have those),
anything by Sara Dessen (every girl has read at least one of her books, they're good, but everyone I know has read one, including me.), Twilight, etc

and like primarily Mainstream music.
Jhonas Brothers, Chris Brown, Rhianna, anything on 99.5 24/7.

Cookie Cutter people.
Who follow fads, and what their friends do.

no, I'm not talking about any certain people/person, even though I do know people like this, I'm not here to trounce them. Chill.

I know what I like, and I don't like that. So for all who have friends who do 3/3 things (note, primarily, if you do it more than 50% of the time), sorry, don't invite them to my birthday.

But what I'm getting at is,

if i don't follow fads, and trends.

I hate berka scarfs, i didn't get into Twilight, I don't know how to do Soulja Boi, I don't think I've ever been in an Abercrobie & Fitch. < (I'm lazy, that last part counts as my CL today :D)


Does that make me a freak?

I wonder what this week has in store.
I'm sure something interesting....
I hope something fun.

Things are looking up :D

playlist number 3.

Today I've danced my troubles away :D
I feel refreshed.

These are the songs that made me feel oh-so much better.
Listen and be revitalized.

Shugarbaby - Morning Wood
Bufallo Soldier- Bob Marley
Fan - Epik High
Have You Ever Been Mellow? - Party Animals (cover of Olivia Newton John)
Super Honeymoon - Owl City
Johnny Makeup - Gravy Train!!!!
Hella Nervous - Gravy Train!!!!
Double Decker Supreme - Gravy Train!!!! (About the most perverted music I've ever heard comes from them. And I listen to the Bloodhound Gang and Say Anything!...)
The Queen and I - Gym Class Heroes
Hotel California - Bob Marley (Cover of The Eagles)
She's Gonna Break Soon - Less than Jake
I was Walkin' With a Ghost - Teegan and Sara
Touchdown Turnaround (don't give up on me) - Hellogoodbye
Deceptacon - Le Tigre
Santaria - Sublime
Hash Pipe - Weezer (I always think of Samantha Vo when I hear this song xD)
Panty Shot - Mindless Self Indulgence
Typical - Mute Math

re: happy couples?

there's nothing in the world that I want more than for him to be here with me.

Distance hurts.

The age difference kind of makes it difficult for my mum to understand (he's 14 months older than me.. so he'll be 18 while I'm 16.). Which makes this very difficult.

The fact that he calls me drunk. With no idea what he's saying. Makes me want to cry.

Yea. I'm real happy.


And yet... I can't say I'm NOT happy.
He treats me like I'm actually worth something.
he's the only person I've never lied to....
He tells me all the things I need to hear.

He's not going to leave me.
I love him.. I think I can believe that now.


Lately I've been feeling so odd.

I go from being happy, to lashing out at people. I really don't understand how it happened. I just feel like I'm becoming something.

I literally am lashing out at people. That's not figurative. I'm sure people have noticed it too.

I'm turning into such a bitch. I know I am. So yea. Just come out and say it.
Well, its not that I'm turning into a bitch, I already am a bit of a bitch. I just don't like people knowing.

I mean... I gossip, I have a hatred for some people when they really didn't do anything to me per se. I just can't stand being around them. AT ALL.

I bitch about that all the fucking time; and then about 10 minutes later I feel like shit about it.

I don't like being like this.. I really don't, maybe I should just interact with people every other week or so... So I can't get tired of it.

Hm. Maybe I need some medication.


Urgh. Fuck my life.

I know if I could go back to feeling better I could go back to loving school and life again.
I just don't know what made me feel so depressed. Actually, I think I do, but I don't really want to talk about it....

I just took a Vicodin. My last one. My mum has been taking them/throwing them out.

I'ma go enjoy my rest day. Get caught up, and all that. I'm sure tomorrow I'll be back to at least somewhat normal...

The Calvin Lin Trend:

I think about dying every. single. day.
Either about dying myself. or asking myself why I wanted to die in the first place.

in answer to my questions from last time,



1) Brian Moloko. The singer from Placebo <3
2) Miyavi. Japanese singer he was more androginus earlier in his career

3) Teegan and Sara :D

Look at the bottom of my last post. you silly silly people xD
http://andawayigo-tiffsspot.blogspot.com/2008/09/ayo.html

Ayo~

I'm tired of using technology

I need you right in front of me.

I hate the fact that my only form of communication with him decided to PHAIL on me two days ago...

R.I.P Tiff's phone.

It lasted a year, I'm surprised it lasted that long.

I got my first cellular in fifth grade, only for "emergencies." It was replaced in sixth by a newer one. That one got fried in the sun. I got another one. That one was upgraded when my brother put his thru the washing machine. I had one through eighth grade, and got my red one. Soo... I've had a total of 6 phones. xD

I'm pissed 'cause I haven't gotten a chance to talk to him since Wednesday.

I miss him quite desperately right now. Just talking about nothing for hours on end with him made me happy. I haven't seen him since Saturday... It's just terrible, it hurts so much. I can't even write about it anymore.

FUCK.

I HATE ELECTRONICS.

But ohmygoshh I love Rent! :D

Its so good! Vy-anh.. You got me hooked on it.

I almost cried when Angel died.

I'm going to memorize La Vie Boheme, and sing it with Vy-anh and Calvin :]]
Hah, Angel.

Doesn't he make a cute girl?

I love him <3

His character! Such a sweetie. And just look at him! So fucking adorable.

I want that shower-curtain trenchcoat. >:(

Live in my house, I'll be your shelter, just pay me back with one-thousand kisses.

Be my lover, I'll cover you. ~

Gahhh Rent and Jeremiah are pretty much the only things on my mind.

I kind of wish something else was going on so I didn't have to feel like this....

He likes:

-Car hopping

-Binge Drinking

-Guitars

-Underground Hip Hop/Rap.

-Architecture

-Skating

-Chain Smoking

-Girls

-Me (Doi...)

I like:

-Musicals

-Gore

-Poetry

-Androginy (on men and women)

-Lolita Fashon

-Sports
-Loud basslines (like in trance music)
-The "occasional" party hard night out
-Him (Doi...)

I wonder why we work out so well.

I think they meant it when they said you can't buy love, now i know you can rent it and new lease you are my love, on life, be my life ~

The Calvin Lin trend:

I think the most beautiful people (both spiritually and physically) in the world are androginous.

Kudos to anyone who knows who these people are ;]

Today was Vy-anh's birthday, the little young'un, her 15th.

I'm turning 16 in a month and 3 days. I desperately want to do something with my friends, like, treat them to something.
I WANNA DO LAZER TAGGGGG. I figure, if I pay for all night for my closest buds... and everybody else comes on their own, or tags along (hey, it's lazer tag!) they can pay.

I felt really bad because I didn't get her anything T-T

I should've pitched in for baloons, or something at least.

AND she gave me a brownie??? Which was very delicious, as always with her baking. Which in turn made me feel even more terrible.

I'm so selfish sometimes....... I try so hard to think of other people first. But for some reason I never do well with money... I almost always spend my money on stuff for me, and then I don't have any left to buy gifts with.

I'm also very bad at gift giving. My handwriting/card-making skills are a little lacking... I never feel right giving gifts. I question whether or not they'll like them. :\\\

Soooo.. I'm makin her a card,

since I read her blog, and I now know that she leurrves cards :D
Hopefully I can make a cool collage one like Leah's, 'cept a little more... Full?

Hopefully she won't read this until tomorrow then..... ohwells.

I love cards too.. they make me cry. Most of the cards I get are full of the sweetest things, stuff you can't just sit someone down and say.

"Remember the day we met? I was so scared and you were there for me... "
"Even though we almost never see each other, I still care for you deeply...."

Cheesey stuff you would NEVER say out loud. Under any circumstances.
I guess that's what cards are for.


I've noticed I've been blogging a lot more lately.

I guess I just need somewhere to preserve my thoughts.
Somedays I could just sit down and write away..

But I never have enough time to get down what I want to say.
So, I blog, and summarize everything to the best of my abilities.

If it was my choice, I'd spend hours recording what happened in one day. So I wouldn't forget it.
All of it.
One day, I'm going to look at this and want to go back. I want to remember every. waking. detail. So deep in my heart, I can still be there. Remembering faces, and my feelings, and how others felt.

Because life is so good right now ^^

Eh..

Even my blogging time is cut short. By AP homework and English Journal writing.....

and away I go~


The Calvin Lin trend:

I loooooovee the smell of fresh-cut grass.
It's my favorite smell. :]


Because I love color coordinating things, and a lot of things come flooding through my mind at one time, I'm going to color-coordinate my blog.

Blue - tangents, read them or not.. They really don't have much to do with the main plot of my life xD
Green - change in topic; only the 1st sentence will be green.
Red - Hypothetical quotes.
Purple - Real life quotes.

catching up with myself

kayso I told you guys about my tooth extraction..
now I need to talk about what happened the day after. xD


Jeremiah came to see me/the fam Saturday.
We spent the day together. :]
(/night.. shh.)


Jeremiah and me are a couple now. He asked me out midnight, 08.30.08. :]
I couldn't be happier.
I guess.

Vinh was right.

I'm too scared to actually picture myself happy with anybody.
That's why I'm so prone to arguing with my boys and not "going-out" with people.

heh..
Sad, ain't it?

On a new note.....

I love the new "Calvin Lin" trend :]]]]

It's amazing how much he inspires people, no??
We're all opening up a little bit, not a lot, but its a start.

So feel proud, Calvin!!!

My fact of the post:

In all those super-hero movies, every kid identifies with Superman/Batman/Spiderman/etc.

I always wanted to be the Villian.
Especially... HER:

Thats Harley Quinn (HAHA Harley Quinn? Harlequinn?? Vy-anh's going to hate me xD).

The psychiatrist turned joker-obesessed villainess from the old 1990s Batman cartoon (THEN the comics. I could go on and on about Batman stuff. I seriously come from a family of geeks.xD).

I'm very dark, I suppose.

wisdom teeth surgeryyy

Friday was my tooth extraction, and what an adventure that was. I spent half the night talking to Jeremiah on the phone, and I got really hungry. Which SUCKED, because you're not supposed to have anything to eat or drink 8 hours before you go under.. So you don't make a mess if you die/relax too much xD. But anywayss.. I woke up at 7, which was two hours difference to normal Friday mornings, which was good. I got dressed, and went to the oral surgeon place. Me and my mum had to be there at 8 o'clock, even though I wasn't scheduled to have my surgery for another 30 minutes, and stupid me, didn't bring my Ipod.... I didn't think I would need it if they were going to nock me out. So I sat there... and waited...

and waited.
and then waited..

and then got freaked out about one of the girls coming out of surgery all loopy, she looked drunk. She was stumbling foreward in her gray sweatpants, tripping on the bottoms and laughing like a drunk person. I felt kind of bad for the nurses, they must hear a lot of stupid shit every day. xD

Now it was my turn. Some teeny old asian woman in brown stretchy-pants came and got me and my mum.
Her: "Hello! How are you today?"
Me: "uhh...."
Her: "You no want be here? You scared?"
Me: "Uhh, not really, just sleepy, and hungry"
*lady embrases me*
Her: "You be fine"
*leaves*

Then the surgeon came in, him and my mother started talking about my "advanced tooth growth." Then he started talking to me about how one second I'd be awake, and the next second I'd wake up. That part kind of freaked me out a little. ><
He gave me a shot in my arm to apparently numb my arm for another shot?
It BURNED like crazy, ahh.

The black nurse (where did she come from?!?!!) put the oxygen mask on me, which looked like a scooba mask... And started stroking my hair. I didn't know it, but the surgeon guy put the other needle in my arm, and I went to sleep.

I woke up an hour later in a tan room, with a huge wad of gauze in my mouth.
I was so groggy.
I don't remember much about it, but from what my mum says it went like this:

Me (to black nurse): oh look, you have two heads
Nurse: I do?
Me: yes, and now you have two bodies
Nurse: Oh really, so I have a clone.
Me: Yes, yes you do!
Nurse: Isn't that nice.
Me: Yes, yes it is nice. *smiles all big* :DDDD

***

Me (To my mum): WHEN DID YOU GET HERE?!!?!?

Mum: I've been here about 5 minutes now.

Me: oh... okay.

***

Me: OH look! my shoes! They're plaid! (I'm referring to my VANS..)

***

Me: I wanna stand up. *Tries to stand up, tips the chair over and almost falls*

Nurse: Just sit down and be quiet.... It's okay.

Me: I CAN'T! I...I...I CAN'T. THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!

When I started to come out of it, my mum took me to CVS to get my vicodin, and my antibiotics.
I fell asleep in the back of the car.

We were home, I took some vicodin and went to sleep. I watched TV and tried to keep my gums from exploding.. It hurt. Quite a lot.

Annnndddd..
that's how friday went xD

Something you didn't know about me:

I sing a lot.
In the shower, at the dinner table, in the car, while walking...

pretty much everywhere I go!