I can't decide if this helped me or not.

i'm so angry
with these people.
because what the hell did I do to them?
i've never been ill to anyone on the team until now.

Aneela was being a bitch to me the other day.
and I lashed out
completely
I was getting stuff set up for senior night.
and like, I was apparently in her way
when there are like... 3 sets of stairs on the bleachers she could've gone down on
so she was like:
"scuse me..."
and I was like:
"w.e" *moves over*
her: "well.. what. the. fuck."
me: "Sorry?"
her: "What you're in my way!"
me:"well. i'm working here."
her:"well you're in my way."
me:"well you're an insensitive bratty homophobic bitch."
her/tammy/igor/everybody else: "ohhhh! dykes be startin something"
yep.
that was as close to verbatim as I can remember.

I saw them (Carlos, Igor, Tammy, Aneela) conversing about me afterwards too.

All I could hear was Tammy say:

"At least I don't make-out with girls"

To clarify, I'm not gay, therefor I am not a "dyke." I will never be a "dyke" because I am not a homesexual. I'm not even bisexual. I'm pansexual. Which means I can be attracted to males/femaels/transpeople (I only label myself this because I can identify with it... I have a certain attraction to transpeople... mostly through my intrique of androginy). I don't really care what people call me. I hate labels.

I'm glad Vickie was there, though.

I have no idea why I'm letting this get to me. Earvin told me that I should've expected this, to tell you the truth, I didn't. I love my friends, and I know all of them are accepting of it. I've never had a bad reaction. I wasn't expecting it to escalate to this. I was expecting some backlash eventually.... but not like this. I feel even worse because Margarita wasn't fully "out" to all of her friends. I'm out to pretty much the whole crew.

I don't know what I did to anyone either.

Hell, I don't know what Margarita did either.
She's been nothing but nice. A HELL of a lot nicer to everyone than everybody else. I haven't heard her speak ill of anyone on the team. Not even of the people on the team that EVERYONE speaks ill of.

and I know for a fucking fact that [another person on the team] is bi as well, she's told me, [her boyfriend] told me.

Think it's gross?
Fer sure its gross. Its making-out for God's sake. Its only a beautiful act when you're involved ;)

Its also gross to see heterosexual couples sucking face in the hallways.
I could name names here.... But I'm sure you've seen a few people full on tongue kissing hands in the hair groping moving around blah blah blah in the halls before.

I have. It makes me want to vomit.

And you don't say a thing about that.

Mmkay.

I see how it is.

whatever.

Go ahead.

Call me a bitch.

Tell me I have no right to be angry that you outed me/her.

Tell me that it's gross.

Tell me that I have no right to be mad because it was in public.

Tell me that I'm a whore for doing it.

Tell me all that shit that you want to tell me because I'm angry and I'm taking it out on the people that made me feel this way.

Because I'm frustrated.

Because I feel betrayed.

Because I feel like I've tried my hardest to put the past behind me.

and be open,

and be nice,

and not judge,

and no one seems to care that I've changed, or am at least trying to change.

That I've kept myself from bursting at the seams at practice when people fuck around.

That I've made myself let people be people.

And not make comments or get annoyed when they're just being themselves.

And no one does the same for me.

Damn right I'm angry/betrayed/hurt.

Fuck you guys.

I can honestly say I hate you.

And I can honestly say that I will never trust any of you.

And I can say that you're fake, and when you're "friends" ask me why I can bring this whole thing up.

And I think that my life would be so much better if I never spoke to you again.

Heh.

Whatever.

Fuck you.

Note: I just found out that Jess has pictahhs of Jeremy/Vinvin/my other crew. :D
Sooooo I'ma steal thems from her myspace. and you can drool at my bf all you want~!


XDDDDDDDDDDDD ironically this post is my "69th" I can't stop laughing.