Letters.

I want to post blogs every day... Because I have so much stuff in my mind :]

These are letters I will never send... If you read them, and they're about you... These are the truth. And the whole truth. I need to get this stuff out.

If you don't want to read them, because you don't know who they're about, or whatever.. don't. Okay?


Dear Jess,

Babe.. I miss you so much, it hurts.
If you were here, I would always be with you. I'd skip all 8 (seven plus Jag Time) classes just to see you. I have no idea why I feel the way I do after all the shit you put me through, believing Jennifer over me. When Jennifer has done nothing but lie to you and hurt you, and I've been nothing but faithful and as true as I can be with you, you believe her over me. I don't talk to you anymore because I don't want to intrude, or impose. If you're happy without me, I'm fine with that. I just want you to be happy.

I'm sorry I worry so much about you, I worry about your boyfriends and girlfriends hurting you, and the way you party, and the fact that I can't see you or be with you to keep you out of too much trouble.

I just miss you so much.
I wish I could tell you this in person. I do.
I wish you could feel the way I do.

Jessica, I would do anything for you. Absolutely anything.

Love,
Tiffany


Dear Liz,

It's not hard to see what you're hiding, and I don't like it. If you tell one person, you might as well tell everyone, because it's not hard find out. Word gets around, and if you're me, you can notice things. The color of your face is different, for one. It's subtle, but I can tell, I'm paranoid about that stuff now.

Know I won't tell anyone. Because it's your problem, not mine.

If you want a reaction, you shouldn't tell people. I don't like the way you're handling this. It's not just selectively telling people. It's not fair that you keep this stuff from certain people, and tell others, yea, but it's also the fact that this is an issue you should solve for yourself before you get more people involved. I'm so angry, because you're handling this in a way that I would never have handled it...

In my mind, I've had a love-hate thing with you. I hate the way that you can be bratty sometimes, but you're funny and you're always looking out for us in your own way. I just don't know how I can stay friends with you, at all honestly. You've become more than just a somewhat-bratty-yet-nice person. I don't understand you. I don't understand your thought process. Since eighth grade our relationship has been an occasional "hello!" in the hallway, and a few nights with the girls and/or the Children. We don't really talk much, but when I'm around you, I can't help but think that you're only out for yourself now. You haven't changed much, but your old qualities have come out more.

I just want to say that I'm always going to be supportive of you, and I'll always be there if you need me.

Love,
Tiffany


Dear Samantha/Vy-anh,

Guys, I love you, I really do.

I can't help but think that we've grown a little bit distant, especially Sam and I. I don't like it, at all. I miss seventh grade, when Sam and I were closer. I miss eighth grade, when I met you, Vy-anh. I love both of you dearly, I miss the sleepovers and the stuff that we did a long time ago, without the Children. I know that most of this is my fault.. Because I have a whole other group of friends, and I try to spend time with both. But I'm losing contact with the "other ones". I'm sad, but leaving them is for good reason, you guys are probably better for me than they are/were. I think that you guys help me and get me through things better than they do/did. They liked drugs, and sex, and drinking. Which is probably why I got involved in it before you guys did. I'm sorry, because I feel that I may have severed ties before you guys did. I have no right to take you for granted. Putting up with so much of my crap all the time.


I'll do everything I can to be better to both of you if you let me.
Love,

Tiffany


Dear Vinh/Jeremiah,

Boys, I miss you guys, but I think I am better off now without you in my life.
Because you guys are only into things that I'm not as into. I don't want that. I don't want to be sober, and have you guys hurt me like that. Jeremiah, when you drink, and call me, and say those things. It hurts so much, because I don't know what to believe, if you're just saying what you couldn't say sober, or if because you're drunk you don't know what you're saying.

Because I love you, and because you say you love me.
I have to go. And you have to let me go... For now.

Love,

Tiffany.


Dear Calvin, Tom, Vincent, and David,

Thank you so much for pulling me out of my element.

I'm usually so shy, but around you guys, I'm more out there, and I do a lot of stuff I probably wouldn't do with other people.

Calvin: I trust you more than anyother guy. I do. I almost never say the things I say to you to other guys, let alone other people. I don't want to tell you some things because I'm afraid I'll hurt you... So sweet. But I wish that I didn't have a specific mold to fit in... I'm not really the way you percieve me inside... I think that you're slowly realising that. But I don't want you to. I don't want to hurt you, I couldn't live with myself if I did.

Tom: You're awesome. You're hilarious, and you're nice, and you're always there for everyone. You got me out of my shell, you've kept me safer in my wants to rebel. I'm sorry that we aren't closer, but I try. Thanks for walking me to class every day.

Vincent: You're slowly influencing me to be myself. You are true, and you don't act any different around different people. I do that... But I want to be able to do what you do.

David: Singstar, beer pong, and techno. You make me do things I've never done before, and would never do without you being there. I mean, Singstar? Me? Up in front of people? Just me and one other person? ... You really tried to get me to play beer pong with you, I said no, I didn't want to get laughed at. But I ended up playing with Alex. I totally regret that.

You tried to teach me how to rave. You've told me I need more confidence, which I do. You've told me that I'm just a kid, I told you I'm not. But I am just a kid, there's a lot I haven't done and a lot that I don't know yet. I need to be reminded of that sometimes.

Just... Don't go anywere, and don't like.. Stop being around anymore or I'll end up being a stupid pothead again. I'm happier when you're there, I do more things when you're there.

Thanks guys... So much.
Love,

Tiffany.



More to come, most likely. I don't know if right now per se. But soon.

Love always, to all of you.

CLT: I rarely finish anything... I end up moving onto something else before I can finish.