Holyshit.

Hello blogger people~ Been a while, hasn't it ;]

I'm writing here about this year. Sophomore year as a whole and Summer 08. This is not necessarily a "year-in reveue" post, but a "how far we've come this year" post.

It has been a year of firsts for me. From riding in a car with boys without my seatbelt, to late nights sneaking out. I tried all the bad stuff a teenager can get into, and all the good. I fell in love, if you can call it that. I've also.... Experimented? Whatever you want to call it. xD

I made bigger mistakes than I ever have, but I've also taken so many risks and become less hesitant to try new, good things. This year has had so many ups and downs, but it's been awesome.

The date I began doing things last year was March 28, 2008. I saved the date. From that day on I could not consider myself a pure, well adjusted teenager. From that day on, things began happening. I smoked pot, drank, took pills, met boys, etc. I hate the fact that all most half of the year between March 28, 2008 and the same day in 2009 centered around either talking about or doing drugs. But my opinnoin on them/us then is: Look how close they made us. It's not about the fact that it was illegal. It was the fact that we were willing to, as a group make decisions and do things without causing drama. We functioned as a whole, and when we disagreed with someone/thing. WE TALKED ABOUT IT.

Look at how our group is at the moment, yes I hate calling it a "group," it makes it seem so closed-off. But I mean, it's easier to say our group than our regular circle of friends and acquaintances. That's not the point, look at us. People have done things we all disagree on. Yet we do not speak to them directly about it, and try to make compromises. We end up talking shit, or suffering in silence, until things blow up to all hell. I include myself in this predicament. I have done things that I may not have if I had just said something to begin with... Things do not get better if you ignore them. We're all friends, I hope, and we're all aware of the sting of criticism, but we can get through it if we talked things through. Apologised, told oursides, actually grew-up and CHANGED.


The end of sophomore year is bittersweet for me. Things are changing so drastically after summer. Junior year, being an upperclassman, driving, VARSITY sports, working, making friends with freshmen, college applications. All that good stuff. Yet so much sad stuff, so many people leaving... 3 ap classes, less free time with work and sports, a lisence but no car, chaffeuring my brother around... Blahblahblah. I'm not like Vy-anh, a person who lives and breathes for change, and can embrace it whenever it happens. I enjoy change, I'm just a bit scared. No not scared... Excited but sad? Hard to explain. =X

We've been through so much, together, guys. Why be so down, and say it's going to go away? We know it's not going to be the same, but hey, it changed so much last year. It's just this time we know it's going to have to change...

Love always <3

CLT: I freaking love the SIMS. xD I love being like their god, and making them do whatever I want them to >:] I'm going to buy The SIMS3 when I get the money. I would play the Sims 2 but my VISTA processor won't let me... DDD:

This summer I move on to bigger and better things~

My Confession Means Nothing.

Holy cheese I am immersed in this whole American Psycho flimflam.
I am halfway through the book, and I recently finished the movie... Which was a lot less gorier than I thought it would be (the hobo eye-gouging was omitted, but he was still killed, and there was a lot less dialogue between him and Evelyn and Courtney, unfortunately). One of the reviewers on the streaming site called it "more of an artistic piece than a movie fit for cinema." I totally agree. This is not one of those quick and easy reads/movies you can watch for pleasure. Makes you think.

At the moment I am obsessed with the idea of Patrick's social conceptions and mannerisms. The fact that he is off in his own little world constantly yet the other men he works with have their same petite, personal universes as well. Mistaking one another for different men, seeming to ignore Bateman's commentary on disecting women. Which makes me think about real life. How society is really an illusion, and everyone is in on it. What they believe is society differs completely from what another does. For exhample, those people who you think are your friends and will never betray you, then do; or someone who says something and does another. A constant facade put on to appease society. Hense, Bateman's cool headedness and education on men's fashon.

How did he become the way he is? How are his peers so blissfully unaware of his tendencies? Is it just some innane need or did he divelop into it? The fact that we as a group of humans have diveloped our own subcultures and a need to fit-in sort of broke him down I think. He wanted to fit in, tried so hard to, and lost all of his self-control in the process? What do we sacrifice being in contact with other people?

It is also strange that his friends, who are constantly mistaking him for someone else, refer to Bateman as a "dork," one even adds "spineless" into the mix.

I am mind blown.
I need a person to talk to about this... I'm so confused on how to transpose my thoughts onto this computer.

Tonight I pull an all nighter.

Trance, darkness, solitude. Nothing but me and my keyboard. I feel good right now. Better than I have in a while. Which is good because finals are coming up and I need to stop being so freaked.

I think I picked a good day to do this, in between finals and the end of my lacrosse season.

I didn't realize stretching felt so good. :]
My muscles have relaxed, and my mind is off in another place.
I love it.

There's no drama here. Nothing to keep me down, all I want to do is sit and type my cares away. What's going on in my mind. I could keep writing similar sentences to that for a while, I have a lot of ideas.

Do you know Watership Down was written by a guy while he was on a heroin binge?
Today Sulaiman and one of my brother's theater friends were talking about Jimi Hendrix's talents being weed or himself, he also said that if I do things I shouldn't do things in big groups.

Was the weed his talent or did weed made him open enough to share his talent?

I feel open right now.
I want to smile but my face has relaxed to the point where I don't want to open my mouth.

Francisco called that: "pleasure town" today?


heh, I'm an idiot I know. But this feels so good. :D
I'll be back to my old self again tomorrow :]

Not the hyper happy me, but one whose not getting set off by everything.

I can feel my heart beating. I feel alive. :]

you know who you are.

I'm not angry... so much as, disappointed?

I've never gotten any sort of appology. But it's my fault for expecting one. If I do something you don't want me to do, I'll stop, I'm a big girl. I'm not one to fall down and cry when someone says to stop something. I do all want to do is make everyone happy, and I try my hardest not to treat anyone unfairly or in ways they don't like it. Want me to tone something down? That's alright, honest. I don't care if you have a problem, well I do, but not in the way of biting your head off.

I guess I do the things I do around you... I actually don't know why.
You are one of the first guys I actually trusted in a long time.

Maybe it's because you do a lot of the things my father did?

I've been thinking about this answer... and it seems logical. But I don't like admitting this. >.<

I think I clung to you because I felt that from you... It's odd, if you understand... But I was very attatched to my father, emotionally as well as physically, I clung to him... And you emulate him, sort-of.

The fact that you're always looking out for what's best for everybody, and try to help everyone. Yet you choose to suffer in silence, without help, when you're hurting. You're unmotivated, yet you are smart. And you're always looking for a new adventure.

Did you know my father once hitch-hiked to Texas with only a duffel bag and his german shephard, with no money?
^Heh, I found that out from his first wife, my sister's mom. He apparently did a lot of odd stuff like that.

Maybe it's because you're genuine?
You look like you need someone with you?
I don't know, honestly.

It's not what you're doing that offended me, more the timing, I guess.
Because after getting me over all that, like I've said before, you go from talking to not?

If I throw you off your game, that's fine. I'll tone it down. Honest.
I'd like to know you're not mad or something though...

Because I don't think you understand how much I appreciate being able to know you.

the word is "miffed."

I am miffed… Which means I am somewhere in between frustrated, disappointed and confused.



At the fact that I have so many ambitions, yet choose to follow none of them.

Art. - Ask Watson. Nuff said.

Singing. - I COULD be good, if I practiced more often. But I’ve stopped singing, I have no idea why.

Acting - You have no idea how much I love it…
The only reason I didn’t take Theatre last year was because of my mother’s guilt-trip in not being able to take creative writing as a freshman when it’d do wonders for me, and BEGGING me to take journalism as a way for me to write. Then this year, the elective I had been looking foreward to taking since 8th grade filled the only slot. Watching Zach, Lani, Vy-anh, Alena, Jansen, and Sulaman on stage made it clear that I need to switch from Art 1 to Theatre 1. I can only take one or the other up to class 2 anyway… so why not take Theatre instead and have more fun?

Dance - My mother refuses to believe in me on this… When I’ve begged for lessons since I was six.


Next year I’m going to be SO much better to myself, and do what I want to do. No matter what people say or think.

I’m taking dance lessons this summer with Eve, hopefully, and doing work with it off and on after this summer; maybe with the same company, or possibly joining the dance team? But I want to work with the plays Winter in between sports… so we’ll see where it goes. I’m getting a job and buying a camera/tablet for photoshop, and switching out of Art 1 to take Theater Arts. :)

OR: Take a summer school course, or get the japanese 2 credit before school starts, and drop languages to take art and theater :D (As much as I love Japanese and sensei.. I just don’t learn much in that class… and I’m afraid for Japanese 3, with kids who study, and not being able to learn enough to pass into AP. (AND WITH MY FREE SLOT SENIOR YEAR TAKE ANOTHER AP TO COMPENSATE).

Along with APs/honors/practices/schoolwork/portfolio stuff I won’t have much of an outside of school freetime/social life. Which is good for me. Free time gives me bad thoughts.
There’s so much stuff I want to do~! So little time. I’m going to try everything at least once. Junior year is supposed to be the busiest and craziest… I’m just glad I’m not taking Calculus.

With all the art classes I may make NHS and have more work to do. xD