There's no reason to act like this, I've brought it all on myself.
I continue to write my experience down, as a short-story of sorts. It's kind-of hard to look at sometimes. Because it's just a little odd, to be talking about yourself, yet not. I'm writing down my perspective of a night I'd rather not remember, for people to read and talk about. It is also a constant reminder to myself about my experiences with ((((drugs)))), and it keeps me sort-of in check. I know I am going to continue doing things I should not do to my body and society and whatnot. But I think now I know where and when I should allow myself
to do these things.
I continue to be inspired by the messages I left myself as I was cam-whoring in Vincent's bathroom (shhh..) xD The fact that I wrote them to myself, a person I absolutely cannot stand, inspires me a lot. I want to feel the way I did that night all the time. Not necessarily the tights against my skin, and the walls feeling so nice and smooth, but the happy feeling, and the self-confidence.
The notes I wrote are still in my phone, helping me along with it, but only with parts I haven't written yet. The beginning is almost finished, and the middle/end are done, but have not been transposed onto Microsoft Word yet.
I need to finish this thing.. I will, eventually.
Kayso... I don't know why but I feel as if I should talk about my feelings right now.
Well, a certain one, that I've always felt, but moreso today than in a long time.
I feel so left out sometimes.
With the dances, and the musical night, and matching Thursdays, and w.e. I always end up joining-in and never invited first off. I don't even understand why I'm working on the Japanese project/skit/thing with Evelina, Sam and Alena. I didn't understand how I got included in the group, when I was just sitting there, trying to translate a haiku.
Urgh... I don't understand what I'm talking about anymore.
I think what I'm trying to say is that
just sometimes, I feel a lot more distant with a lot of the people in our group than most people, like I'm on the outside of a lot of things. I probably feel this way a lot more than I should, but that's just me, I'm paranoid. Some of this is my fault I know. Playing lacrosse and field hockey, getting closer to a different group of people rather than getting close to the people around me. It's just that, even when I'm free, I feel as if I'm missing-out on a lot of stuff.
I've severed ties with Jess, Julio and Chelsea almost completely as-of now, for you guys.
I dunno what I'm getting at here, honestly. I've re-written this last bit maybe three times? I've cut-out a lot of stuff, because I sound selfish. I am selfish.. Right now I think that I'm whoring for attention saying all of this stuff. I think that I'm just being stupid asking for this, I don't think I deserve any of it.
I don't know what I want.. I want us to be as close as we were when we were at LJ.
I want to be able to come back from Syracuse University and be able to pick up where we left off. I don't think all the fighting about little things is necessary, and I don't want our closeness to be changed because of stupid stuff.
So, let's start over.
Heya, I'm Tiffany.
Love always <3
CLT: I'm so intrigued by the workings of society as a whole, along with the mind. Sociology and/or psychology are my fallback plan(s) for college, if I decide not to become a photographer or a media editor/developer (i.e. webpages, computer-designed art, game story/characer development). I'm planning on going to school for that.
^my next post will be about that.
