And reality hits full force.

I'm so

MAD.

You have no idea how angry I am right now.
How much those little things people say/do are effecting me right now. I'm just so sick of bullshit and lies and stupididty, on my part included.

Wednesday I confronted someone about something that happened on that day I don't want to talk about anymore, and she walked out of first period, tearing.

So I went off on the other person involved.
And they took it about the same way.

"I just can't stand seeing -insertnamehere- cry anymore... Over something so stupid..."

"...I cannot stand seeing you do this.. Because it hurts you just as much, I know."

Well, I can't. I just can't. I've done enough crying over stuff like this, and it doesn't help. What helps is getting something done. So just stop being so fucking reclusive. You're killing yourselves over something this stupid. Yes you want me to drop it, and I have stopped talking about it.

If you touch a hot stove, you move your hand. You don't keep your hand there waiting for it to cool off. You burn yourself either way, but you keep yourself from needing a lot more healing doing the former.

***

Andanotherthing... Well, never mind. I said I'd stop posting about my relationship problems.

July sort-of said some things... And I still need to remember that I am only sixteen.

***

I want to think like Evelina. Be all happy and optimistic. I can't help myself. Being self loathing and pessimistic. I always have been. Tyler says it's cute, and what makes me, me... I think Eeyore is cute and pessimistic, I think that I'm just sad thinking the way I do..

She shouldn't grow up, I feel terrible that I told her to, but love doesn't work like that for me. I didn't understand where she got the notion that it did work like that.

Do you know how much pain I've gone through for the person I like right now? How much shit I've gone through because of "love?"

***

I'm just tired of this. Maybe it's the weather. I keep waking up and hoping January is over. But it's still going strong. Tomorrow Feburary begins. Hopefully it's going to get better for everyone, it certainly cannot get any worse at the moment.

Jansen, do you want to know why I call you Atticus??
Heh, well first off, you associated my childhood with Scout's a little while back.

But here's why:
You lecture me all the time... Yet you're so carefree and fun.
You scold me a lot, like Atticus would Scout. But you still manage to make me not feel like I've been scorned.

You've grown a lot, you have.
You'll never get anywhere by forcing it too much though.

*I also donated blood today :D

heh, love always <3

CLT: I feel as if I am maturing a lot faster than I really am sometimes. I think that my mind is about ten years ahead of my body. I don't know how a "teenager" thinks... So I don't really have anything to go on, but I feel as if I am older than everyone mindset-wise. Don't ask me why. And I can't decide if that's a bad thing or a good thing.

what is with people and deleting their blogs??!?!!?!

I refuse to delete anymore posts.

Unless they're irrational, unclear, drunken rages; those belong in my private one. :]


I'm honestly not regretting anything I did this weekend. I'd rather not talk about what they are/were, but I don't regret anything. It took me a while to realise, and I think that I learned it from doing this on Sautrday, that drugs are overrated.

They're just fake little moments where life seems good; well, better, life is already good.
I can understand turning to drugs and doing that stuff, being oppressed, and not feeling anything good in the world. I feel/felt like that. But ecstacy and pot and drinking and w.e don't get anything solved.

It took me a while to actually believe this myself.
Thanks Jansen, for setting me straight.
David, thanks for just being there for me.


Vincent, I'm paying for that gutter.

I refuse to quit being myself, and lose my friends over something so stupid.
Forgive me??

CLT: I refuse to admit to myself that I'm just a kid. I have such high expectations for myself that I think I'm making a bigger deal out of this than you guys are.

free.

I'm cold, wet, messy, and exhausted.

I don't want to talk about it.
I will soon though.

Don't expect a post here till I'm finished.
I'm warning you, it's going to be a long time, and a long post.

EDIT.

Fuckit.

I don't want to talk about it anymoree.

my 100th post :D

i don't really have anything deep and profound to say here.... Sorry. No speech, nothing like that this time.

Quandry:

People always use that cliche that desaster and tragedy bring others closer together... And yet we do all we can to avoid tragedy at all costs; be it an epidemic, a war, or a death in the family. etc.

I don't understand why someone would not want to feel that closeness and bond.. Humans avoid the tragedy to not feel upset, and yet they always wish for a closer bond with loved ones. We are lazy, doing the minimum amount of work to make things happen, and expecting a 100% output. This makes me sad.


CLT: It's very difficult for me to focus on anything, at all... Even in Lacrosse/Fockey, I find myself staring off into empty space.

These infinite winter months.

January... Ohmygod Mindfuck, >.<

This month has been strange, so strange. All of the holidays make it seem to last forever. It just keeps on going and going and going. Last weekend we had a holiday, and this weekend, we have four days off as well. We had only two full weeks of school this month, the fifth through the ninth, and the twelfth through the sixteenth. The first two days we were still on winter break, and now it's almost the end of January.

This is scary, how fast this month has gone by, yet how slow it has been...

Some days I get that "infinite" feeling, as if this moment is all there is... Like in The Perks of Being a Wallflower Charlie talks about feeling like that. Listening to Sleep by The Dandy Warhols, with his friends, and being in the truck bed while they drove.

I can recognise that feeling now. It's when your heart feels like it's opeining up, but not like a wound, like a sponge, soaking in that moment and preserving it.

I told Vy-anh once about it.

On Halloween, when we were on the bus covered in foil and in costume, and Earvin was on my lap. We were just being loud, and didn't care about anybody or anything else but ourselves.
My Ipod was on, a slow stream of chourds ran out into my ears, I could still hear everyone, and I remember quite vividly our journey to free burittos.

"HEY TOM! COME SIT WITH US! I LOVE YOU TOMMMMM!" (he didn't want to sit with us, we were embarassing xD)

"Samantha, no, just... Sit down and be quiet."

"I bet we're going to be remembered, these other people are going to tell ALL their friends about us."

I didn't care about anything. I looked just a bit trashy, covered with aluminum foil, a guy on my lap and schoolgirl outfit didn't help much. People stared, and believed us to be a pack of insane asylum escapees. But watching the cars go by, and laughing until I cried with my friends, not caring about the stares from the other passengers made it just such a memorable day.

I love days like that.
Days that I'm going to remember for the rest of my life. :]

Whoo, tangent. But you get what I'm talking about, right??? xD

***

January has been a mix of good days and bad.

Drama out the ass as usual.
And school days go by so slowly.
But fun adventures none the less.


Giving up smoking, cold turkey, and keeping straight without it.
Chinese tag :D
Technoooo music.
Blowing shit up with dry ice.
Long late night talks with Jiff :]
Shopping~!

I guess Vincent's house is the new Samantha's.
We've been there at least once a week these past few weeks. xD

Fun adventures, new stuff.
This weekend is supposed to have some fun new stuff too.

Our talk worked, Sam. Fun stuff has been happening. :]

***

Sammy, I'm sorry I pressured you about trying hookah.

This has been bothering me for some time.

I really didn't mean to pressure you like that. Yeah, it's just water, and it doesn't do anything to you, but i shouldn't have said anything.

I'm never going to push you into something you don't wanna do.. It's not fair to.
Kudos on your self control, though. :]

Love always

CLT: I think everything (FOOD WISE, pervs) is better with hot sauce ;]

woo, what a 5 day weekend I've had.
Long talks almost every night, and fun adventures every day.

I love going to Vincent's house, whether it is for Chinese Tag or to watch Big Bang Theory. Yesterday it was Chinese Tag, which was a fun new game. We turned all the lights of and blindfolded someone, and then made them listen to my ipod, which had some hxc techno stuff on it, making a hugeeeee distraction to the "IT" person. Which is cool. I was it a few times, and it was kinda scary. Luckily I didn't bump into things like Tom did.. xD We also made water bottles burst with dry ice. I'll put some photos/vids up on facebook and here tonight~!

Monday I stayed in, even for Open Mic night, I felt like I owed it to my family to not go out one of the days we were off, and if I go out too much, I start getting depressed, because I can't handle all those people and their vibes for that long. So Monday was a nice reprieve.

Sunday was very interesting. I get a call around noon to join people at Ihop, and then go watch some anime. We went to Ihop and talked very loudly, next to my mother and Zach who were eating dinner as well. We went to my house, mostly because I didn't have a ride, and Reggie didn't come, so it was either mine or Vincent's and I said mine. We watched a lot of first episodes, and a silly Yu Gi Oh abridged version.

Saturday... xD
We had more fun at vincents.

Friday I stayed home with my mum, I was sleepy after a whole night on the phone with July, and mom said it was too cold to wait at the bus stop, so I stayed home.

Funfunfunnn

Grr, school in five minutes, I'll finish later.

Love always <3

happy birthday bloggy~!

What an awesome thing this is,
this is probably the longest journal type-thing i've ever kept :]
I don't know how long i am going to keep it up, but I know it's going to be for a while.


Here's to another year?

A year's worth of positive posts ^^

hullo

My blog officially turns one year-old tomorrow~!

All in all, 08 was a pretty interesting year, not good, not bad. I mean, bad things happened to me/others, but it is 09 now, so it's time to stop dwelling on them. And all that good, interesting stuff that happened! It's hard to say that last year sucked, because it really didn't suck in the grand scheme of things. I think that the bad things that happend are just reminders to make this year a better year.

I'm learning to take the bad with the good instead of taking all the negitive in, if you haven't noticed. :']

At Amy's going-away party Tom told me that I complain too much...

I actually agree with him to a degree. I think that if I was maybe a tad bit more positive and willing, I would not feel the need to complain. I wouldn't feel the need to attract all that negative attention to myself. It makes me a hypocryte to tell people to be open-minded and have fun, when I'm not even willing enough to try charades. But I do think that sometimes I need to complain, because NOTHING EVER GETS DONE if I don't. We're all so A.D.D and it makes it difficult to actually accomplish a task. Even something so simple as cutting carrots became a whole big thing because we didn't plan. Calvin cut nearly a whole carrot for fried rice, nicely diced, but we ended up not needing as much as we thought. We end up phailing making odd changes to plans like the Day in DC (Which i did not attend, but I'm honestly glad I did not attend), because no one wants to stick to the plans, if you have said you want to go do something, that some people might only be there for, I don't think walking all day looking for starbucks is the way people wanted to spend their day might I add, we should do it. It makes me very mad when no one is willing to actually stick with a plan, because you can't rely on spontaneity (thanks for helping me pronounce that Vy-anh :]) all the way through.


School is getting to me, it really is.

The only things I look foreward to are Feasting Fridays and Matching Thursdays with my friends. And the weekend, of course.

I'm so sick of it. The teachers, the fake people, the stress, the boredom. I think that maybe school is what's making me such an asshole right now.

I hate midterms for one reason: Kids who cry when their scores are low.

To be honest, Midterms don't count for much. As long as you do well in each quarter, your grade will even out. If you think about it, finals count for as much. So, just, do better then? I hate it when kids talk about grades as such a big deal. Because in the long run, it's not how well you accomplished a task, it's what you accomplished that makes you great.

Taking honors/AP rather than regular, and getting a C+ or a C is not terrible!

If your GPA is lowISH, and you're trying, w/ APs and Honors courses, you are a perfectly acceptable candidate, as long as you have other things on your resume; work, sports, clubs, nice SAT/ACT scores, volunteer hours, et cetera, you're fine. If you can say you tried, in all aspects of High School, then you're fine.

School does count for something, and if you are in college, you should make sure you get everything done, because no matter what you do in college, you can't just fail the course and re-do everything... Just don't kill yourself over an exam, or a project or something. School is about learning and growing and becoming something great, not about stressing yourself to the point of insanity and giving up.

Believe me, there are tons of things that are better to worry about than your Native American Art History research paper's thesis statement.

But do you see where we need priorities and plans? So we don't get stressed and angry.

I'm not worried, why should you be?

So just, shut-up about grades! Have some fun with me.
Let's just stop. Take a breather. Chill-out and be kids while we can still get away with it. Please? Let's forget all these miniscule problems we have with our friends and get the group back together. Liz, this includes you too!

Jansen, you're so right, we are losing contact, and our group will die if we don't start mending ties right now.

Vy-anh, whatever or whoever makes you angry, face your problem(s) and work it out. If that problem somehow has to deal with me... Let me have it, make yourself feel better, and we'll go on.. I need to change my ways sometimes, so just do it.

You don't have to like everyone, and you certainly don't have to be sweet Anh-Vy all the time.

Sammy, what's been on your mind lately? Let it out, have a good cry, and let's go back to the way things used to be.

Daniel, David, stop being strangers, and come back... Do yourselves a favor, and get life straight.

Robert, Amy, prioratize! Make time and enjoy life.

You guys are all I have and I love each and every one of you dearly.

Love always <3

CLT: As cliche as it is, my biggest resolution this year is to lose weight. I want to have lost 15 pounds, but I doubt that is possible. If I'm complaining about being sore, first, smack me and tell me to stop complaining, and then tell me it's worth it. xD

anghst?

Fuck yes i want to party.

Yea so i talk about drugs and alcohol... Yea so I want to go out and get blazed. If I didn't have people around me who worry and w.e I would be out every night doing it. I know it's not healthy, and I know it's not the best thing to do, but I want to.

I want to go out and drink and dance and walk down city streets with my friends.
I want to rave, and get close to strangers, I want to meet new people and mosh to new songs.

I want drama to gossip about, I want to wear tight clothing and meet guys at parties...


Yea, I'm shy sometimes, but I can be veryy loud, as most of you know. Give me a chance~!
Put me in that situation.. See how I react.

I want out of here.


I absolutely know it's unhealthy... But look at school.. Our day-to-day routines: Wake up, shower, dress, make-up, eat, w.e, then school. At school we do A or B days, talk to the same people, same classes, same sports after school, then homework, then sleep... Now repeat that for five days.

Weekends for me have been the same stuff for a while.. It's not that it's bad or my life is uneventful. I just...

I can't do the same thing for so long....



Save me from this nightmarish cycle.

Let me go somewhere else..

Or i might just meet a mysterious Tyler Durden (aka Brad Pitt) on a walk to school and end up starting a fight club and an anarchist cult; and unbeknownst to myself, fuck some chick named Marla (aka Helena Bonham Carter). 8D

^For all of you who haven't seen/read Fight Club. Do it.


Love always <3