And suddenly -

I just don't feel okay.





i'm such a two-face, I've noticed.

with some people I'm practically begging to be included in something.
but with others, i'm begging to be left alone.

There are reasons I hate guys, physically, and emotionaly.


Even Cristian and Sasmit and those boys, I cannot bring myself to trust them.
It's because of the things that I've gone through with them.
I've been double-crossed, chewed-up, and spit out. For absolutely no reason.



and the two that have done the most damage to me over the years just-so happen to want back into my life.


One is the most clingy, emotionally deprived bastard I know. Trying to prove himself to me, like I'm a prize to be won. Making his life seem like such a wonderful thing do be a part of, when it's not. I'm not a little kid anymore, I can see through this. So stop texting me and asking if I want to chill. STFU.

The other is the most enigmatic, alluring person... He's not as attractive as some, but his personality just draws me back. And I keep coming. Begging for his touch, which he wants to give me. I have problems with the circumstances of this but I know I'm going to let go of it all for him.. again. I just can't bring myself to make him stop. He's a monster, but he can get inside my head and make me do things I don't want to do. I'd do anything for him, because I can't make myself stop.
^ he hurt me so much the first time... I was not myself for months my heart hurt and my head was all a-jumble. I can't believe that I let him do that to me. I can't believe I'm going to let him do it to me again.

What kills me inside is, I can't actually call what we did "rape," but I can't call it a two-way concentual thing. I could never press charges but I could never make myself say that I wanted that.

I did want it, on some level, I think. But I didn't want what he gave me. I told him to stop, and that it wasn't right, during it, and yet i didn't do anything else.


I was talking to Trang all throughout Precalc.


About everything/one in my life (that I/we met last year) and how she thinks that they're not trustworthy and are backstabbers and w.e. And... I'm a little freaked-out to be honest. I've never known Trang to not be truthful and to not be a real person. I also don't know if this is the whole story, or if this is just Trang's side. Would anybody else confirm this stuff? If I asked someone other than Tom, David, or Vincent (that has known them longer than the Sophmores have) about them will I get the same answers?



It has been almost a year since Trang said the events occured.
Maybe they've changed???


It makes me angry... and it makes me worried.


Because I don't want to get hurt or stabbed in the back again. I don't want my friends to be stabbed in the back.


Me: "Trang, do you think I should watch over them?"

Trang: "How can you do that if you're drunk or smacked or whatever?!"

Me: "No no, I mean I know, but I mean, I usually don't have enough to get stupid or throw-up or do anything too messed-up with guys or whatever. and I'm trying not to hook-up anymore. It's working. But do you think I should? Or what. Because I can't have them going through what I've gone through and I can't have Samantha or Vy-anh get taken advantage of and be there, drunk, and not be able to get them help."

Trang: "You see then. That they're not trustworthy."

Me: "I don't know.. but I don't know them very well. I know their likes and dislikes and what they're about on the outside, but I don't know their pasts well, or things like that. So I can't trust them."

Trang: "I'm glad you see that, and I don't want them hurt there either. I hope you do take care of them."

......

Sam, Anh-Vy. I trust you completely with my whole heart. I love you guys so much. You two are probably the people I tell the most stuff about my life. I love you two and I don't want to see you go through things that I have gone through. It's not that I think that you need protecting. It's the fact that if someting did happen to you, and I could have prevented something like that from happening, I wouldn't be able to live with myself. I'm not going to be that "we have to go let's go," girl. The one at the parties who is your cockblocker. I'll just make sure he isn't gonna take an overly-drunk girl up to the bedroom by himself.


I'm so, so, sorry I worry so much.
People are so fake.
Myself included.





CLT: I know that my friends are my friends, but I'm always worried that they really aren't. I feel absolutely pathetic when I'm not included in convorsation.