Winter break

Dec. 24th.

-Woke up early to clean/do dishes.
-Argued w/ brother.
-Got the last of the presents wrapped.

Dec. 25th.

-Woke up at eight... Body's still adjusting to sleeping in.
-Woke up Zach and opened presents
-Cleaned-up with mother, Zach goes off somewhere
-Rob comes over, he's being deployed to Iraq in early January. He's coming home when the war is over.... So between five and sixteen months from then.
-The Johnson family comes over, we play rockband for a while, try to watch The Dark Knight but fail.
- I overhear my mother/Mrs. Johnson talking about me... and my future, college, and whatnot.
-Mom is drinking... too much.

Dec. 26th.

-In the house all day, until the Johnson's call
-We go to dinner at Silverado, and watch Yes Man

Dec. 27th.
-Wake up at eleven
- Shower/clean
-Sister arrives at five, we eat dinner and play more Rockband
-Shannon and I watch the Sex and the City movie (which was sah-weet.. It's my guilty pleasure show xD) while James and Zach play Xbox
-Sleep at midnight.

Dec. 28th.
-Nothing doing today..
-Ordering Chinese food in, and not doing anything.

I'm so fucking tired of staying at home.
We're supposed to go shopping tomorrow.. Some time by myself at Tysons~! Woot :] I have 120 dollars worth of Christmas money to spend.

I need to buy some pants xD


Goddamn I miss you guys. I hate staying in.. and I hate hearing my mother and my sister and others talking about me.
I want to go out.

Tell me we're doing something on New Years.. Something I can actually attend?

Love always <3

Bah... Humbug.

These are your good years
Don't take my advice
You never wanted the nice boys anyway
And I'm of good cheer
'Cause I've been checking my list
The gifts you're receiving from me
Will be

One awkward silence
And two hopes you cry yourself to sleep
Staying up, waiting by the phone
And all I want this year is for you to dedicate your last breath to me
Before you bury yourself alive

Don't come home for Christmas
You're the last thing I wanna see
Underneath the tree
Merry Christmas, I could care less

Happy New Years, baby
You owe me
The best gift I will ever ask for
Don't call me up, when the snow comes down
Its the only thing I want this year

One awkward silence
And two hopes you cry yourself to sleep
Staying up, waiting by the phone
And all I want this year is for you to dedicate your last breath to me
Before you bury yourself alive

Don't come home for Christmas
You're the last thing I wanna see
Underneath the tree
Merry Christmas, I could care less

Don't come home for Christmas
You're the last thing I wanna see
Underneath the tree (Don't come home for Christmas)
Merry Christmas, I could care less

Don't come home for Christmas
You're the last thing I wanna see
Underneath the tree (Don't come home for Christmas)
Merry Christmas, I could care less

screw 97.1 This is my christmas song. :]
Yes it's FOB... So what?

I want to spend the holidays with my real family... Sam, Vy-anh, Amy, David, Tom, Calvin, etc.

Not my brother/mother... We've fought about one thing or another
I want to see Shannon/James, and Robby/Brandy, that's it. When they're gone.. Come save me.

Please?

Oh how the days go by...

This year has brought on many changes in my life, good and bad. I just wanted to say before I go any farther into this blog that I have had a very good year this year. :D

Stuff that's happened:

- Got closer to people I met last year
- Met new friends
- Got out more
- Got tanner, no more pale-ness xD
- Drama
- No more black hair
- Came-out
- No more long hair
- Red hilights!
- First times
- Blogging
- Ice Cream Man chase
- Midnight sneak in
- NO TEXTING IN CLASS
- JV Field Hockey/Lacrosse :D
- Passed Freshman year~!
- Boyfriends
- No more LJ!
- Children
- Life lessons
- Cab ride alone
- ATLANTIC CITY
- Take the good with the bad
- Secrets
- Beach with Bonnie, Bro and Sis - Sun, sand, shopping, sickness, guitar man xD
- Sweet 16!
- Hay: For "decoration" ...
- Calvin Lin Trend
- 4 AM convos


Resolutions/Hopes for 09:

- Lose weight
- Quit jacks
- Rebuild friendship w/ Jess
- Lower mile time
- Join Swim?
- Lax summer league?
- Pass Soph. year!
- Pick a college major & make pathway.
- Job!
- Buy colorful pants (w/ first paycheck)
- Nikon SLR!
- Be more frugal
- No more "fucking" sentences.
- Spend more time with my friends
- Lisence!
- Self Esteem
- Listen more often
- Guitar lessons? Self Teach?
- LEARN AND STICK TO AN INSTRUMENT
- Play DDR again!
- Become better artist
- Lower procrastination levels
- Work on meeting new people
- Join and/or Re-Start FCHS GSA!
- Write to Sister
- Stay in touch w/ far away friends (esp. Tyler)
- Expert vocals on Rock Band!
- Make it to seventeen years
- Revamp blog and make it a photo-diary :]

...

Dear Daddy,

In May it will be six years since I have seen you. In October I will be seventeen years old. I don't know what or where you have gone to, and I don't know if you can see me or know how I'm doing, but I'm fine. Yes, I'm fine. I don't know if I feel bad or not about not needing you around to be okay. I don't blame you for my depression, I blame my surroundings after what happened. I don't think that what you did or didn't do caused me to do what I did. I don't think that you being here would have changed the outcome at all. I don't think Mom has the right to think and say that stuff. She doesn't know what went on during that time. I do miss you, and I do love you, Daddy. I know that it's going to be hard without you, especially now because Mom refuses to see eye to eye with me. You always did. You always understood me. Mom just yells, and assumes. Never listens. I know that I was just ten when you left, but Mom has always been like that to me.

I know life would be a lot different with you around, and not Mom, or both of you together. That's why I don't really resent you leaving, I like life the way it is now, and I think it took me these six years to realise that. I would be a completely different person if you were still here, and I don't think I'd like being someone else. I don't need anyone to be happy. All I need is myself, and my willingness to try new things. I wish you could see my friends and how happy we are... I'm not who I used to be, Daddy. I grew up a great deal and I know that; Mom knows that, she's scared.

You should see Zach too, Daddy. He's so much older now, but hasn't changed. Everyone says he's like Nathan, and will have matured and grown by eighteen, but I don't really have much faith in him. You always did, though. He misses you too.

I don't really know how to end this in any other way, I've had a good life without you, even though I think about life with you every day.

Love,

Your daughter.



I hope Oh-Nine is just as good, if not better than Oh-Eight. :]
I've been impacted in so many ways by the people I've met throughout this year. I hope that nothing comes between us.

Have a merry Christmas, and if I don't see you a happy New-Year!

Love always <3

CLT: I've come to idolize people who are interesting enough to have their memoirs/biographies published... I want a life like that.

three in a row~! :]

Yesterday night I was feeling pretty shitty.

So I texted Jansen, asking him to cheer me up. Jansen always cheers me up. Well he couldn't call me because he was doing something at home at first. So I had this idea to call David and bother him because that's what I'm supposed to do, call David when I feel like bothering him. So I call David, he doesn't pick up. How sad.... I had a feeling he wouldn't pick up or call back.

Jansen calls, and we talked about Red vs. Blue, and some other stuff for about an hour (my phone says 51 mins exactly). We both went to sleep around eleven-ish. I slept for a total of... 40 minutes, or 10:56 to 11:36. David calls at 11:36.

That was the longest phone convorsation of my life.

David called me back at eleven-thirty-six PM. I was surprised. Jansen tried to assure me that he was just in the shower, or outside, or with the family. He actually called me back!

I didn't go to sleep until four-ten AM.

I'm really sleepy. xD

I know I complained alllllllll day about being sleepy. But I was afraid to stop talking or sleep, because my chest felt funny and it hurt to breathe. At one point my arms were getting numb... =\ I didn't want to stop breathing in my sleep.


You might be wondering what the hell we could've talked about for four and a half hours...

EVERYTHING. xD

We talked about everything. From what our favorite animals are to how our love lives are doing. Friends, ex-friends, food, movies, life, romance, drugs, drunk driving, pokemon, assassin's creed, it goes on and on. Everything you could think of we talked about it. It was rather funny. I laughed almost the whole time.

I'm surprised, usually it takes a few months before I'm comfortable enough to even call a guy. David and I rarely talk... Let alone have time to ourselves... It was fun learning about him though, and I felt like I got a lot out talking to him. =]

I told Tom that and he said: "I can see you guys going out soon..."

Hm.

I don't know...

I find that hard to believe because (yes, we talked about this too) David and I are both not into relationships, bad experiences. Besides, that was the first time we actually really "talked" too.

So don't start thinking about that stuff.
I'm not.
I don't know if he is or if he's not.

I mean, I'd like to know where we stand, but hey. Right now I'm just into meeting new people, and enjoying what I have.. I don't want to make any decisions that will change my life too much right now.

I'm sleepy.

My eyes are getting heavy.
I'm gonna take a nap.

Love always,

CLT: I'm way to curious for my own good...

Letters.

I want to post blogs every day... Because I have so much stuff in my mind :]

These are letters I will never send... If you read them, and they're about you... These are the truth. And the whole truth. I need to get this stuff out.

If you don't want to read them, because you don't know who they're about, or whatever.. don't. Okay?


Dear Jess,

Babe.. I miss you so much, it hurts.
If you were here, I would always be with you. I'd skip all 8 (seven plus Jag Time) classes just to see you. I have no idea why I feel the way I do after all the shit you put me through, believing Jennifer over me. When Jennifer has done nothing but lie to you and hurt you, and I've been nothing but faithful and as true as I can be with you, you believe her over me. I don't talk to you anymore because I don't want to intrude, or impose. If you're happy without me, I'm fine with that. I just want you to be happy.

I'm sorry I worry so much about you, I worry about your boyfriends and girlfriends hurting you, and the way you party, and the fact that I can't see you or be with you to keep you out of too much trouble.

I just miss you so much.
I wish I could tell you this in person. I do.
I wish you could feel the way I do.

Jessica, I would do anything for you. Absolutely anything.

Love,
Tiffany


Dear Liz,

It's not hard to see what you're hiding, and I don't like it. If you tell one person, you might as well tell everyone, because it's not hard find out. Word gets around, and if you're me, you can notice things. The color of your face is different, for one. It's subtle, but I can tell, I'm paranoid about that stuff now.

Know I won't tell anyone. Because it's your problem, not mine.

If you want a reaction, you shouldn't tell people. I don't like the way you're handling this. It's not just selectively telling people. It's not fair that you keep this stuff from certain people, and tell others, yea, but it's also the fact that this is an issue you should solve for yourself before you get more people involved. I'm so angry, because you're handling this in a way that I would never have handled it...

In my mind, I've had a love-hate thing with you. I hate the way that you can be bratty sometimes, but you're funny and you're always looking out for us in your own way. I just don't know how I can stay friends with you, at all honestly. You've become more than just a somewhat-bratty-yet-nice person. I don't understand you. I don't understand your thought process. Since eighth grade our relationship has been an occasional "hello!" in the hallway, and a few nights with the girls and/or the Children. We don't really talk much, but when I'm around you, I can't help but think that you're only out for yourself now. You haven't changed much, but your old qualities have come out more.

I just want to say that I'm always going to be supportive of you, and I'll always be there if you need me.

Love,
Tiffany


Dear Samantha/Vy-anh,

Guys, I love you, I really do.

I can't help but think that we've grown a little bit distant, especially Sam and I. I don't like it, at all. I miss seventh grade, when Sam and I were closer. I miss eighth grade, when I met you, Vy-anh. I love both of you dearly, I miss the sleepovers and the stuff that we did a long time ago, without the Children. I know that most of this is my fault.. Because I have a whole other group of friends, and I try to spend time with both. But I'm losing contact with the "other ones". I'm sad, but leaving them is for good reason, you guys are probably better for me than they are/were. I think that you guys help me and get me through things better than they do/did. They liked drugs, and sex, and drinking. Which is probably why I got involved in it before you guys did. I'm sorry, because I feel that I may have severed ties before you guys did. I have no right to take you for granted. Putting up with so much of my crap all the time.


I'll do everything I can to be better to both of you if you let me.
Love,

Tiffany


Dear Vinh/Jeremiah,

Boys, I miss you guys, but I think I am better off now without you in my life.
Because you guys are only into things that I'm not as into. I don't want that. I don't want to be sober, and have you guys hurt me like that. Jeremiah, when you drink, and call me, and say those things. It hurts so much, because I don't know what to believe, if you're just saying what you couldn't say sober, or if because you're drunk you don't know what you're saying.

Because I love you, and because you say you love me.
I have to go. And you have to let me go... For now.

Love,

Tiffany.


Dear Calvin, Tom, Vincent, and David,

Thank you so much for pulling me out of my element.

I'm usually so shy, but around you guys, I'm more out there, and I do a lot of stuff I probably wouldn't do with other people.

Calvin: I trust you more than anyother guy. I do. I almost never say the things I say to you to other guys, let alone other people. I don't want to tell you some things because I'm afraid I'll hurt you... So sweet. But I wish that I didn't have a specific mold to fit in... I'm not really the way you percieve me inside... I think that you're slowly realising that. But I don't want you to. I don't want to hurt you, I couldn't live with myself if I did.

Tom: You're awesome. You're hilarious, and you're nice, and you're always there for everyone. You got me out of my shell, you've kept me safer in my wants to rebel. I'm sorry that we aren't closer, but I try. Thanks for walking me to class every day.

Vincent: You're slowly influencing me to be myself. You are true, and you don't act any different around different people. I do that... But I want to be able to do what you do.

David: Singstar, beer pong, and techno. You make me do things I've never done before, and would never do without you being there. I mean, Singstar? Me? Up in front of people? Just me and one other person? ... You really tried to get me to play beer pong with you, I said no, I didn't want to get laughed at. But I ended up playing with Alex. I totally regret that.

You tried to teach me how to rave. You've told me I need more confidence, which I do. You've told me that I'm just a kid, I told you I'm not. But I am just a kid, there's a lot I haven't done and a lot that I don't know yet. I need to be reminded of that sometimes.

Just... Don't go anywere, and don't like.. Stop being around anymore or I'll end up being a stupid pothead again. I'm happier when you're there, I do more things when you're there.

Thanks guys... So much.
Love,

Tiffany.



More to come, most likely. I don't know if right now per se. But soon.

Love always, to all of you.

CLT: I rarely finish anything... I end up moving onto something else before I can finish.

Compy is fixed! yay :D

no complaints, today. I'm gonna stop ranting. =]

Life is good. Aside from the little bit of yelling in the house. And people keeping things from me.

Like Liz today.

Liz: "Wait.. Tiff..Have I told you yet?"
Me: "Wha?... No. I don't know what you're talking about."
Liz: "Vy-anh, have I told you yet?"
Vy-Anh: "Huh? What? Tell us!"
Liz: "No.. It's okay" *runs to Samantha and starts talking. About it, most likely.*

I hate that. Absolutely hate it.

If you're not planning on telling me, don't beat around the bush.

Nothing really surprises me much, I can take anything you have to say. I don't judge either. Most probably I've been in that situation too. Because you make one mistake, or do something bad, I still want to like you. And I usually will.

Today's Vincent's birthday~!
The cake was delicious, good job Ameh!
I made him a snowflake in Japanese, which Sammy lost. And bought balloons with Evelina.

I learned something today.
Vincent is such a sweetie.
I'm still gonna punch him.(To Vicent: bwahahaha)

But Vincent is a good person, all around. Shy, a little bit overimpulsive, and a teeny weeny bit gay. xD But Vincent is definitely one of the best people I've met. :]
I'm jealous of him, a little, to be honest.

I don't really believe Trang anymore. About any of them. I think that they've changed a lot since the events she told me about happened. I think that we've all matured, and we're all growing-up.

As much as I know I am, I don't want to.
And as much as I want some of the grown-up things... I know I won't be able to handle it.

Like the baby.
If you haven't noticed, I've been a little bit hung-up about it recently.
(Note: The scare/miscarrage/thing turned out to be nothing much, I was 3 weeks in, spotted, cramped, lost it. It was months ago.. but with Julio coming back into my life and his girlfriend being pregnant, and Dani's son... I thought I was over it, I'm not.)


What I figure is, if my body wasn't ready, I really wasn't ready emotionally.

Julio made me feel better, surprisingly, he did.
He said that it's best to know for sure you want to be with the mother/father forever, before you have kids. You have to really, really know, because you'll end up like him.
He wants the baby, not necessarily the relationship, because of the girl, and her attitude and whatever. He called her stupid, and bitchy. I call her horemonal.

I don't know about him.
He came to see me/Zach at the meet on Friday, and he's trying to get me to go eat/chill with him. So, I don't know where we're gonna go together.

I don't know who I'll be with anyway.

Today I think I'm attracted to X...
The next I think I love A...

I'm unsure about everything, not just my love life, if that's what it seems like. xD

But I'm psyched to find out the answers.
I'm happy, with or without him and/or the baby.
I'm alive, with or without him and/or the kid.

Life is beginning to become something worth experiencing again.
And no, it's not because of him/it.
I'm just slowly getting used to the thought of waking up in the morning, happy.

Thanks, guys. <3

CLT: I'd love to go on a roadtrip to the country, nowhere too far, like south VA, and watch the stars. No children stuff, no drama, just a little bit of stargazing and a little bit of relaxation.
Funfunfun.

Love always <3

I'm a teenage cliche, and I absolutely hate love it.

I text 24/7.

I'm obsessed with my weight.

I'm my happiest when I'm at Tom's house at midnight, or when I'm not supposed to be there ;].

My mother and I don't get along at all...

I daydream about boys and life after highschool.

I flirt.

I gossip.

I blog.

I make big deals about nothing.

I feel like crying one minute, and laughing the next.

I'm lost in my own head.

I love makeup, and music, and my friends.

Shopping. Nuff said.

I want to run away.... as far away as I can, but know it won't work.

I enjoy things that I shouldn't more than I do things that I should.


It's cliche to be yourself.
But it's also cliche to be a high school stereotype. Hm.

I love life. So complicated <3

I just want someone to hold hands with...
who calls me "babe."
someone I know I can't live without.




I'm stuck doing what I know is the right thing, and what I really want.
My heart wants me to believe he likes me...
My head knows he doesn't.

The fact that I'm attracted to another isn't even included in this equation.

I'm so jealous.
I miss what we had.
I miss what we might have had.

I'm going to be a good person from now on.
I'm going to live like I did before.
I'm going to think of the future, and what may happen.
Not what might have happened.

Guys.. I'm moving foreward.

Get ready :]

CLT: Baking = My therapy.

Names I like

Girls:

Naiomi
Elyse (aka Elle)
Minerva (aka Minnie)
Crystal
Ruby/Rubynell
Abigail
Colette
Jade
Roxanne
Rebecca
May
Belinda
Rosemarie (pronounced Rosemary)
Amanda
Sophia
Dolores (aka Lola or Lolita)

Boys:

Brendan
Xavier
Vincent
Eithan
Damien
Seth
Joshuah
Noah
Jacob
Liam (pronounced LEE-am)
Kollin (pronounced Collin)
Maxwell
Anthony
Gage
Emmett
Caine (pronounced Kane)

And suddenly -

I just don't feel okay.





i'm such a two-face, I've noticed.

with some people I'm practically begging to be included in something.
but with others, i'm begging to be left alone.

There are reasons I hate guys, physically, and emotionaly.


Even Cristian and Sasmit and those boys, I cannot bring myself to trust them.
It's because of the things that I've gone through with them.
I've been double-crossed, chewed-up, and spit out. For absolutely no reason.



and the two that have done the most damage to me over the years just-so happen to want back into my life.


One is the most clingy, emotionally deprived bastard I know. Trying to prove himself to me, like I'm a prize to be won. Making his life seem like such a wonderful thing do be a part of, when it's not. I'm not a little kid anymore, I can see through this. So stop texting me and asking if I want to chill. STFU.

The other is the most enigmatic, alluring person... He's not as attractive as some, but his personality just draws me back. And I keep coming. Begging for his touch, which he wants to give me. I have problems with the circumstances of this but I know I'm going to let go of it all for him.. again. I just can't bring myself to make him stop. He's a monster, but he can get inside my head and make me do things I don't want to do. I'd do anything for him, because I can't make myself stop.
^ he hurt me so much the first time... I was not myself for months my heart hurt and my head was all a-jumble. I can't believe that I let him do that to me. I can't believe I'm going to let him do it to me again.

What kills me inside is, I can't actually call what we did "rape," but I can't call it a two-way concentual thing. I could never press charges but I could never make myself say that I wanted that.

I did want it, on some level, I think. But I didn't want what he gave me. I told him to stop, and that it wasn't right, during it, and yet i didn't do anything else.


I was talking to Trang all throughout Precalc.


About everything/one in my life (that I/we met last year) and how she thinks that they're not trustworthy and are backstabbers and w.e. And... I'm a little freaked-out to be honest. I've never known Trang to not be truthful and to not be a real person. I also don't know if this is the whole story, or if this is just Trang's side. Would anybody else confirm this stuff? If I asked someone other than Tom, David, or Vincent (that has known them longer than the Sophmores have) about them will I get the same answers?



It has been almost a year since Trang said the events occured.
Maybe they've changed???


It makes me angry... and it makes me worried.


Because I don't want to get hurt or stabbed in the back again. I don't want my friends to be stabbed in the back.


Me: "Trang, do you think I should watch over them?"

Trang: "How can you do that if you're drunk or smacked or whatever?!"

Me: "No no, I mean I know, but I mean, I usually don't have enough to get stupid or throw-up or do anything too messed-up with guys or whatever. and I'm trying not to hook-up anymore. It's working. But do you think I should? Or what. Because I can't have them going through what I've gone through and I can't have Samantha or Vy-anh get taken advantage of and be there, drunk, and not be able to get them help."

Trang: "You see then. That they're not trustworthy."

Me: "I don't know.. but I don't know them very well. I know their likes and dislikes and what they're about on the outside, but I don't know their pasts well, or things like that. So I can't trust them."

Trang: "I'm glad you see that, and I don't want them hurt there either. I hope you do take care of them."

......

Sam, Anh-Vy. I trust you completely with my whole heart. I love you guys so much. You two are probably the people I tell the most stuff about my life. I love you two and I don't want to see you go through things that I have gone through. It's not that I think that you need protecting. It's the fact that if someting did happen to you, and I could have prevented something like that from happening, I wouldn't be able to live with myself. I'm not going to be that "we have to go let's go," girl. The one at the parties who is your cockblocker. I'll just make sure he isn't gonna take an overly-drunk girl up to the bedroom by himself.


I'm so, so, sorry I worry so much.
People are so fake.
Myself included.





CLT: I know that my friends are my friends, but I'm always worried that they really aren't. I feel absolutely pathetic when I'm not included in convorsation.

it begins...

I've redescovered my fondness for camera whoring :]]]
and photoshopping things.
so here.
a sample for all of you.

some of the lil dots won't go away... but i like my face in this one :D

The pink text if you can't read it says: "this is me, and all I'll ever be."