There's this shell around me that I can't crack. A sort-of, numbness I guess? No matter how much fun the situation is, I don't feel like I am doing anything fun. The only sort-of emotions Tyler told me how she slowly wants to turn off her emotions, and apparently it's working for her. Well, I don't want it, but it's happening to me as well. Tell me something, anything, in my mind I'll be thinking up what to say and how to say a response. Which is probably why I've had this tendency to blow-up in people's faces recently. Not go off per se, but just sort of get set-off and not shut up. I notice I do these things after they've already happened, and think to myself: "Wow.. what the hell was I talking about"
I don't know when to stop the charade... I have some emotion, yes. I just think they're getting a lot harder to control. And don't think that I don't care, or don't want to be there for you just because I'm a little bit messed-up in the head at the moment. I do. I care. I mean this.
====this is my topic changer bar====
Constantly I have opportunities to cheat in my relationship. Constanlty I debate whether or not to take them. I used to believe in the whole "no cheating, cheating is bad," thing. All I've been exposed to relationship-wise has been adultery.
+Julio. End of story.
+I cheated on Vinh with Jess.
+Vinh's cheating on his current girlfriend with another girl.
+Jeremiah was a self-proclaimed manwhore when I met him.
The physical part of relationships is pretty much all I want at the moment. He rarely calls, we have no time for each other, almost no time alone, he's still drinking, I'm not getting anything out of this. I want him to notice me again, I'm still here.
I long for a relationship where I can have the physical part and the mental connections. We click, mentally. We click physically, just not often enough. As much as he's on my mind, there are things I need and things I want that I just don't get.
He asked me why we have to have sex every time we see each other.
I tell him it's fucking hard to hold weeks of physical need in, and only have eight hours to exert all of it at once.
He agrees.
====I like these things====
I don't understand people sometimes, nobody ever gives. They just take. I see people who constantly need attention or they become horribly annoying. People who will do everything their friends do just to belong, and the friends know.
I know people who call their friends "disappointments" when they aren't willing to try anything either. They assume that no one is trying to stay friends, and no one wants them around, when its exactly the opposite. I've noticed that in perticular.. Some people tend to push others away when they get too close. They get invited places, and then they sit there and complain: "I'm so bored, I wanna go home."
Why would any one try in that situation?
What makes me frustrated is the fact that they expect to be invited places, when they don't invite anyone anywhere either. If not at their house, for any reason, or the mall because of transportation and whatnots. Ask if they want to do something after school???
It hurts because they don't even recognise the fact that we're trying. In the hallways we always say hello, after school when we see them we hug and chat even for a minute. Want someone to say hello? Say hello first. The only way to establish a connection is to have both ends working. This isn't all our fault here. So look at yourself and what you can do to make things work before you blame other people.
That made me so fucking angry yesterday. I hope you know that. You know who you are.
====tangent number three...====
Am I the only one with the balls to speak up about anything??? Vy-anh, Sammy and I had a little convorsation about this yesterday. I've stood up to quite a few people when no one else could or would. I'm just as about-to-shit-my-pants about confrontation as any one else, believe me, I shake and I tear-up when I'm talking to them. Then I get so angry that it doesn't matter anymore. I've heard so much shit about certain people, yet no one has ever spoken directly to them about it except me. I don't understand why that is.
I've stood up to:
- Mrs. Luck
- Mr. Usher
- Mrs. Bellamy
- Shabanna
- Those annoying as fuck freshmen boys in first period
- Now I guess the people I'm referring to in tangental topic number 2
We all have had problems with these people at one time or another. It's time to speak for yourselves, or I'm going to look like even more of a lunatic.
====Last time, I swear!====
Welllllll... you know what's going on around me. Hell, I'm practically never alone. Now you know what's inside my head at the moment. I think that's pretty much it.
I'm ready for a nap... I'm not going anywhere today ((sorry for cancelling guys..))
Cya Wednesday, loves. <3
CLT: [in response to Vy-anh's] I had night terrors about death and dying as a kid. I always analyzed it and became so afraid of it at night I would be afraid of closing my eyes, too scared that I wouldn't wake up the next morning if I did. Then I experienced it more... I'm kind of wavering about it.
2 comments:
Tangent 2? Sorry.
You're human.
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