Metrobus Adventures.

I was riding on the Metrobus to Tysons with my brother when I started thinking.

Dunno... I wanted to write something contemporary, so.. here goes:


A dollar's worth of awkward silences and uncomfortable glances.
Mouths tightened by the unknown faces.
Eyes darting, unfocused.
Like a fly buzzing from light to light.
Shush.

Ipods and The New York Times form walls.
Don't look up.
What song is this?
What page am I on?
Focus.
Eyes penetrate like hail through straw roofing.

Mothers clutching babies clutching dolls
Keep the kids quiet.
Shrieks shatter the stone statues from their open-eyed slumber.
"Shut the kid up!"
Mommy flashes an awkward smile, laughs an awkward laugh;
Her face matches the stoplight.
Scorned.
No words... We know.

Uncomfortable swaggers from frequent riders
overpower tuxedo-clad-ohfuck-the-car's-still-in-the-shop newbies.
Smile and tip the Starbucks cup.
Gulp.
No words.
Learn fast.

A dollar's worth of awkward scilence and uncomfortable glances.
A handful of lives in a handful of coins.
We don't speak.
Words don't mean anything here.
Friends don't need words.

Walk off and on your way.
Let's do it again sometime~.

Hm.

CLT: I first realised I was attracted to girls when I watched Xena: Warrior Princess as a kid. I had such a crush on Lucy Lawless (Xena)
I was like... 8 years old.

I confirmed the fact to myself that I was somewhat attracted to girls/possibly bi when I was in [most likely] seventh grade. I was at my Elementary School's Concert (Zach was in Chorus/Band... those mandatory sixth grade things xD)...
I couldn't stop staring at this one boy's older sister.

She was maybe seventeen?
Spanish.
Long black hair.
I couldn't take my eyes off her.

Currently

Wanting:

• To improve my drawing skills (realism)
• To learn more about photoshop
• A new house key
• A job.
• Better organization
• My new Wardrobe (Christmas presents....)
• 6 extra hours in the day.

Obsessing over:

• Jack Skellington
• Fashon design
• Shoes
• Agusten Bourroughs
• Reeces Cups
• Trance beats
• Kurt Vonnegut
• Musicals (especially RHPC and Rent :D)
• My photography stuff
• Him of course!

Wishing:

• We had more time together...
• They were closer.
• She hadn't moved
• I had a car >:[
• I cared more about school

Listening to:

• Rage Against the Machine (The usual...)
• Soundgarden (new!)
• Sublime (well yea...)
• Bob Marley (mhmm.)
• Hollywood Undead (Of course)
• Incubus (Doi)
• Mindless Self Indulgence (DUH)
• Trance/Techno :DDDDD (My new favorite genre xD)

Musing:

• I wonder why i never peel off the safety plastic on butter/sour cream/etc....
• How did I miss the cereal in the pantry??
• Why do I correct all the typoes I have on AIM?
• What makes me think about him all the time?

Gainsville Trip~!

My first cab ride.

My first hangout w/ Vinh and Jeremiah outside of my neighborhood.

It was fun :D

I have a vid.
((of them arguing...))

It's blurry.. and all you can hear is me xD
But hey, now you can see who they are:

Vinvin is the asian dude. and Jeremiah is the other one. I love my boys <3

My mom says I have bruises on my chest. When I don't -____-

"So did you have sex Tiff?"

"WHAT?!?!?!?! NO?!?!"

Pictures!

Vinvin wanted my ipod...

and lost the fight.... He's a little Emo kid xD

CLT: Waiting in line by myself scares the crap out of me.

I can't decide if this helped me or not.

i'm so angry
with these people.
because what the hell did I do to them?
i've never been ill to anyone on the team until now.

Aneela was being a bitch to me the other day.
and I lashed out
completely
I was getting stuff set up for senior night.
and like, I was apparently in her way
when there are like... 3 sets of stairs on the bleachers she could've gone down on
so she was like:
"scuse me..."
and I was like:
"w.e" *moves over*
her: "well.. what. the. fuck."
me: "Sorry?"
her: "What you're in my way!"
me:"well. i'm working here."
her:"well you're in my way."
me:"well you're an insensitive bratty homophobic bitch."
her/tammy/igor/everybody else: "ohhhh! dykes be startin something"
yep.
that was as close to verbatim as I can remember.

I saw them (Carlos, Igor, Tammy, Aneela) conversing about me afterwards too.

All I could hear was Tammy say:

"At least I don't make-out with girls"

To clarify, I'm not gay, therefor I am not a "dyke." I will never be a "dyke" because I am not a homesexual. I'm not even bisexual. I'm pansexual. Which means I can be attracted to males/femaels/transpeople (I only label myself this because I can identify with it... I have a certain attraction to transpeople... mostly through my intrique of androginy). I don't really care what people call me. I hate labels.

I'm glad Vickie was there, though.

I have no idea why I'm letting this get to me. Earvin told me that I should've expected this, to tell you the truth, I didn't. I love my friends, and I know all of them are accepting of it. I've never had a bad reaction. I wasn't expecting it to escalate to this. I was expecting some backlash eventually.... but not like this. I feel even worse because Margarita wasn't fully "out" to all of her friends. I'm out to pretty much the whole crew.

I don't know what I did to anyone either.

Hell, I don't know what Margarita did either.
She's been nothing but nice. A HELL of a lot nicer to everyone than everybody else. I haven't heard her speak ill of anyone on the team. Not even of the people on the team that EVERYONE speaks ill of.

and I know for a fucking fact that [another person on the team] is bi as well, she's told me, [her boyfriend] told me.

Think it's gross?
Fer sure its gross. Its making-out for God's sake. Its only a beautiful act when you're involved ;)

Its also gross to see heterosexual couples sucking face in the hallways.
I could name names here.... But I'm sure you've seen a few people full on tongue kissing hands in the hair groping moving around blah blah blah in the halls before.

I have. It makes me want to vomit.

And you don't say a thing about that.

Mmkay.

I see how it is.

whatever.

Go ahead.

Call me a bitch.

Tell me I have no right to be angry that you outed me/her.

Tell me that it's gross.

Tell me that I have no right to be mad because it was in public.

Tell me that I'm a whore for doing it.

Tell me all that shit that you want to tell me because I'm angry and I'm taking it out on the people that made me feel this way.

Because I'm frustrated.

Because I feel betrayed.

Because I feel like I've tried my hardest to put the past behind me.

and be open,

and be nice,

and not judge,

and no one seems to care that I've changed, or am at least trying to change.

That I've kept myself from bursting at the seams at practice when people fuck around.

That I've made myself let people be people.

And not make comments or get annoyed when they're just being themselves.

And no one does the same for me.

Damn right I'm angry/betrayed/hurt.

Fuck you guys.

I can honestly say I hate you.

And I can honestly say that I will never trust any of you.

And I can say that you're fake, and when you're "friends" ask me why I can bring this whole thing up.

And I think that my life would be so much better if I never spoke to you again.

Heh.

Whatever.

Fuck you.

Note: I just found out that Jess has pictahhs of Jeremy/Vinvin/my other crew. :D
Sooooo I'ma steal thems from her myspace. and you can drool at my bf all you want~!


XDDDDDDDDDDDD ironically this post is my "69th" I can't stop laughing.

I'm aware that we were on a bus
I'm aware that it's public, and open to an audience.

But blowing it out of proportion like that????

What the fuck are you doing??

You people are possibly the most inconsiderate, homophobic, immature, bitches I have ever had to deal with.


Talking about it is one thing.
People talk, I'm fine with that.

But photographs???
And shit like that?

What did I ever do to you to deserve that?
What did she ever do to you to deserve that??

And your only defense is that it was on the bus home?
Okaysure.
It was in public.
But it was also dark, and it was also very loud.
You guys were doing your own thing, I was doing my own thing.

If it was a guy and a girl, it would be normal??? YES?


okay, go ahead, and tell me that I'm freaking out.
Tell me that what they did was right, photographing me and her kissing. AND THEN TEXTING IT TO EVERYONE.
Tell me that that's okay.
Because you know that I would never do something so evil to anyone.
That's not me being anything but truthful.

I swear, I would never do something like that.

CLT: I've always thought that I have a more "masculine" way of thinking... I don't scream at spiders, I hate pink, I love "that's what she said." I don't do that much feminine stuff... aside from wearing makeup, and writing potery, and talking about boys -____-

virus on my computer... this is the only access i have to my blog... i'm currently looking at new places to post. i'll post the link asap. love always

Just hold me,
and tell me its going to be okay.

Life is pretty much going to hell right now.

Happy birthday to me (just follow the day)

Light
And day
Is more than you’ll say
Cause all
My Feelings
Are more
Than I can let by
Or not

My blog needed a little revamp :]


so here we go.

Another year older, another year to change.

I've always said change is good.

Happy birthday to me.

I can't believe how many people gave me stuff yesterday.
Sarita, Evelina Chau, Tyler, Tom, Elena, Leah Sam, Liz, Any-Vy, and so many people had birthday wishes.
The day before at our homecoming event Sammy and Tyler even ordered me pie. ^^ Everyone sang.
I was so happy. I still am,

I love my friends, I really really do.

Speaking of love~
Its a wonder why I can't hold a relationship, its my type, my type of guys that I'm into.
Jeremiah still drinks behind my back a lot. I can't make him stop and I can't monitor him any more than I already try to. It KILLS me to think that he could die, or get into some sort of incident because of it.

and because I can't save him from himself

It's me or the beer, that's what I'm going to tell him. I'm not going to blame myself anymore, and I'm not going to be the one who picks him up after he goes down again. Vinh thinks he wants to be just like his father, maybe that's right. I don't know. We talk about that stuff a lot, relapsing, and trying to be good. I'm trying to let him know whats up, and I'm trying to tell him to let up, but he's not. I can't stop him from drinking, but it's out of control. Jess told me about an incident yesterday regarding him and his drinking. She told me yesterday about it, it didn't happen yesterday.

If he's playing me w/ the drinking, what else hasn't he told me..........

Jess. Ohmahgawd Jess.

She called to wish me a happy birthday yesterday, I miss her. We can talk about anything, anything at all, and she won't judge me. She's got this reputation of being a pothead, and that's all, but there's more to her than that. The stuff just clouds her judgement and perception sometimes.

I can honestly say she's the first female I've actually had feelings for.

Her crush has feelings for me.
What.
The.
Fuck.

I'm astounded, considering the person.
And her ex has feelings for me as well.
What.
The.
Fuck.
x2.
Strangely, I have a certain attraction to them at the moment. Its most likely because of the circumstances. They like me, hey, let's see what they're like.

I was on the phone with them till midnight, when I started dozing.
I didn't really know what to do/say. They were so nervous, I couldn't help but stay with them.
I ended up flirting a little bit too. I'm worried I'll seem to act a certain way, and make them believe in certain things that aren't true.

Which happens a lot with me and romance.
I get caught-up.
Which is why I don't do well with relationships.
Because my feelings sway so easily.

Like today, heh.

I don't know what came over me, but I wanted it.
The X.
I just wanted it.
I wanted to escape.
I wanted to feel a bit like I knew I could.
Happy and carefree.
I'm a natural pessimist.
I need to feel something other than a resounding hate once in a little while.

The X made me feel like someone different, I felt things differently, reacted to things differently, expressed my thoughts differently.
I just needed it.

Why at school? I don't have a real reason for that.
I wanted it, in the morning, because that's when I recieved it.
I took it, after feeling the tablets in my pockets for a while.

I felt safer at school.
People to keep me out of trouble.
No real things to hurt me.
No stimuli that could affect my trip, but Sammy. xD

I realised something today.

There's something about this person, let's call her Fiona (the 1st name that popped into my head xD), that makes me feel bad.
Like I want to tell her, I want to shake her wildly and scream in her face:

You're fucking normal! There's no reason for you to act this way! So ignorant sometimes! So incoherent all the time! There's a brain in your head that works! Use it!

She brings me down.

Anh-Vy.
She brings me up :]

I feel kind of distant to her, because I don't get a lot of readings from her. I know when she's sad and such, but its a little hard to tell when she wants company.

My "readings" are my vibes i guess. I can tell what's going on from just looking at somebody, somebody I know pretty well. I know instantly when they're sad, or when they're angry, I'm good at it I guess, I have a pretty high-accuracy rate. Not to be cocky, but hey. It's my talent. I have to show it off. ^^

She's easily set off, like me, from what I can tell.
I don't know what to do sometimes.
Because I don't know what to say sometimes.
I don't know how she'll react.

Like me, sometimes I don't know how I'll react till I hear what people have to say. If somebody tells me something on a certain day, I may act differently if they tell me on a different day.

I'm not very good with critisism at all though.

That's why I like her blog~
I feel as if I can learn how to take some things, and not get mad at myself for making her upset.

Her intelligence, and her views on the world amaze me. I would really like to have a neat convorsation about the world over tea and homemade scones with her (hint hint Anh-Vy :D).

heh, sorry Vy-anh!
I don't mean to try to describe you, or something, and I hope I'm being correct with what I'm saying.

I don't really know how to feel right now.
I'm not angry, and I'm not sad,
but I'm not happy.
I'm numb, as usual.

I'm comfortable in it.

Hm.
I found a new band that I like. =D

They're called The Polyphonic Spree.
They did that Just Follow the Day song (just follow the day and reach for the sun~). Which just-so happen to be the lyrics on the top of my post today.

I found them while stumbling. It was this little game, with their music in the background.

Google "Quest For the Rest Game" (I'm too lazy to find the game myself xD), and play the little point n' click.
You'll get a good idea of their music.

Or just Google them! Play the tracks in the music section.

Heh,
I feel better,
I got a lot out. ^^

Au revoir~

The Calvin Lin Trend: I [try to] monitor what I say around certain people, because some people will judge me. I just know it.

just a little bit weird.

apparently, there's this TV show on Disney about a spanish construction worker who drives a flatbed.

I just watched the commercial for some toy of his.

Handy Manny or something?

I wonder if parents see any of the things I see.