out of control

Drugs.

Have become a major staple in my life.
I'm high right now, hehe. Aerosol. not much, 3.5 hits, just a little lightheaded.
Weed soon. yes yes?
I smoke, at least once every other day.
The highest amount of cigarettes is 5 a day.
With X.. or with Y.. or with Z..
I bum them, I steal them.
I can't run/jog/play sports anymore, I'm scared to.

Sex.

Has ruined my ability to trust.
Boys: I now believe that's all they're after
Girls: I now believe that they're only in it for IT.
I'm so afraid to tell anybody about what hapenned.
I don't think I should tell, but I don't know what to do.
I want it, just as much as the drugs. Just to feel it again.
The heat, the passion, the bodies wrapped together, moving in time with each other.
Secretly, I'm convincing myself he raped me. So I don't have to think that I made the consious decision to let him cheat.

My so-called friends.

Are out there somewhere.
And don't seem to give a flying fuck about me.
I liketalk to Chelsea, and Tyler. That's pretty much it.
I have "friends" but not that many people to talk to.
Samantha? Sarita? Leah? Liz? Nope.. Doubt it.
Jess? Cristian? Chris? Nope. I don't think they do.
I want them to know. I want them to help me.
I don't know how to call out to them.
But if I do call, what do I say? And how will they take it? As me wanting attention? Or as me sincerely wanting help?

My mum.

Knows I'm sick.
Knows I have problems.
Knows I'm an addict.
But won't help me.
She just tells me all the time:
"Tiff, you're a sick puppy. You need help. You need to be a better person. Why are you so distant? I didn't do anything."

I don't really want attention, I want help, from them, from me, from anybody.
I want tobe the old Tiff...
The one who was happier.. I miss her.