ohgod I'm so lame..

Message from: Her (8:59 PM Wed, May 28) - I had no idea u were bi until Chels told me. I thought u were shy and chill and str8 like you were ready 4 anything.
Message from: Me (9:04 PM Wed, May 28) - I had no idea u were bi till u were talkin about jen with me n Chelsea. Not a lot of ppl know I am actually
Message from: Her (9:13 PM) - Lol i kept it on the dl. she started 2 tell ppl and I came more comfortable wit tellin and talkin about it. What u 1st think?
Message from: Me (9:22 PM) - I just thought u liked dudes. I was kinda surprised but it's cool. i don't get 2 check out gurls that often [ohboy.. my mistake >.<]
Message from: Her (9:24 PM) - Oh so u think i'm hot ;)
Message from: Me (9:30 PM) - What makes u think i think ur hot?
Message from: Her (9:33 PM) - Wells idk i read it n thought so
Message from: Me (9:39 PM) - Lol. Well ur pretty...
Message from: Her (9:41 PM) - Aww lol I new it thanks ur 2 sweet
Message from: Me (9:43 PM) - lol. I didn't mean nething by it, ur just pretty
Message from: Her (9:47 PM) - And thanks lol nothing by it.


fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. ><

sexual experimentation at its worst

My thoughts are being brought back to this one girl.
How I feel about her is definitely going to change me.
She calls herself bisexual, but will "stop liking girls" once she's done here.
I don't get that... :\

I like her, I really do.
I'm not into relationships, though.
So if we do decide to do something, it's not going to be like, a full on couple thing.
She's already admitted to wanting to "hook-up" with a girl. But I've promised that I'm not going to do anything sexual until I'm in a relationship with a person
So if i'm in a relationship, it would be strictly physical.
I'm not into that... :\

But I'm into her.
I don't know how into girls I am.
Right now I want to just call myself gay, and give it up.
But I'm not GAY per se. So that'd be a lie.
I'm not 100% straight either.
I like guys, I like girls better tbh.

I like her. It's not like the other times I've had facinations with other girls.
It's different this time.
I hope... :\

summer itenerary.

-Complete all summer homework the weeks my brother isn't home
-Run a mile every moring
-Chill/party with Jess before she transfers, and it's harder to hang out with her.
-Save some money for CAMERA
-Only "party" every other weekend at MOST
-LEARNER'S PERMIT [DMV + Tysons trip with Chelea and Galen xD]
-Limit intake of jaxx
-Write some more
-Learn how to kip-up ^^
-Heavy Mode DDR
-Meditate
-Hang with Sammy, Anna, Tyler, and Leah more often
-Projekt Revolution!!!!
-Finish a book
-Go tanning with Chelsea & Jessica on top of Safeway
-Keep in touch with peoples outside of circle via AIM/Facebook
-Have an end-of-the-year bash

what an exciting day..

What I did today (chronological order):

*Went to the minigolf course, and saw Vincent and Earvin and Amy and a buncha people having a picnic, and got to join in the fun for a while ^^
*Got booted out of my house with my bro
*Saw 2 spanish people fighting in the middle of the road.
*Saw random spanish man laughing at fight (he just kept saying! 'ohhh rompe rompe!!'), and that made me laugh more than the people fighting
*Had an interesting converstation with said bro
*Chased down the Ice Cream Man, who gave me the best milkshake I ever had.
*Went to Chevys and:
--------> had interesting convorsations with my brother again
--------> Heard that funny song from Rob and Big on the intercom and laughed my ass off. x]
The one that goes DOYOUKNOWWHATITFEELSLIKE? xDDD
-------->got looked at funny by this little boy's mother, I just looked back the whole time

hahaha

people do read this, I'm surprised... People do worry. I feel all happy now :D
Don't worry about me. It'll get better. K?

this isn't for anyone.

The beating of your heart used to be my muse,
And the flickering lights in your eyes were my ink,
Your breath in the winter air was my paper,
I would write it all down,
Perfect prose,
Rythmic rhymes,
And you held my hands,
And we sang all the words by heart,

Your voice used to be my music,
And those times you cried were the sad songs,
The sound of your voice were the happy ones,
The songs sung in time with the music,
With cleverest of composition,
With a steady beat,
And we held each other,
And we danced all the way to the end.

Stillness is my muse,
And tears are my music,
I'll write new words for you,
Poetic and perfect,
Beautifully becoming,
And I'll sing all the words by heart,
And I'll dance all the way to the end.

and I'm so sorry...

...that i'm so stupid.


for dragging myself into these things. >.<
I'm sorry for being such a bad influence on ya'll

I'm never going to talk about my drama again, to anyone.
Just to the world on my blog (like that makes much of a difference...)

I don't want to hurt anyone.
I don't want to hurt anyone.
I don't want to hurt anyone.
I don't want to hurt anyone.
*repeat until the bottom of the page.*

I don't ever want to hurt anyone like again.
I don't ever want to hurt myself again.

But I know I will anyway.
Because I don't have a reason to stop.

I'm so sorry.
So sorry.

out of control

Drugs.

Have become a major staple in my life.
I'm high right now, hehe. Aerosol. not much, 3.5 hits, just a little lightheaded.
Weed soon. yes yes?
I smoke, at least once every other day.
The highest amount of cigarettes is 5 a day.
With X.. or with Y.. or with Z..
I bum them, I steal them.
I can't run/jog/play sports anymore, I'm scared to.

Sex.

Has ruined my ability to trust.
Boys: I now believe that's all they're after
Girls: I now believe that they're only in it for IT.
I'm so afraid to tell anybody about what hapenned.
I don't think I should tell, but I don't know what to do.
I want it, just as much as the drugs. Just to feel it again.
The heat, the passion, the bodies wrapped together, moving in time with each other.
Secretly, I'm convincing myself he raped me. So I don't have to think that I made the consious decision to let him cheat.

My so-called friends.

Are out there somewhere.
And don't seem to give a flying fuck about me.
I liketalk to Chelsea, and Tyler. That's pretty much it.
I have "friends" but not that many people to talk to.
Samantha? Sarita? Leah? Liz? Nope.. Doubt it.
Jess? Cristian? Chris? Nope. I don't think they do.
I want them to know. I want them to help me.
I don't know how to call out to them.
But if I do call, what do I say? And how will they take it? As me wanting attention? Or as me sincerely wanting help?

My mum.

Knows I'm sick.
Knows I have problems.
Knows I'm an addict.
But won't help me.
She just tells me all the time:
"Tiff, you're a sick puppy. You need help. You need to be a better person. Why are you so distant? I didn't do anything."

I don't really want attention, I want help, from them, from me, from anybody.
I want tobe the old Tiff...
The one who was happier.. I miss her.