You know, I've been feeling a lot of highs and lows lately, right now is the lowest I've felt in years. Like, 5 years or so.

Maybe I haven't changed all that much since 6th/7th grade.

Please note that this is a RANT/VENT. My anger is at an extremely high level, so what I say may not necessarily be how I feel later.

All I've fucking done is be nice to you, and try to make things better between us.
What the hell did I do?

You're going to fucking exclude me, when I haven't done anything to deserve it.

Her and I don't talk for good reason.
Cause we don't effing get along anymore. It sucks, but it's the truth.

It's no one else's problem, we all work around it and remain neutral. No one favors anyone else, no one treats the other different cause we don't talk anymore, this is between me and her, and I at least try to make it my problem so no one has to deal with it.

Maybe it's not about us two.

Maybe it's about you just not liking me.

If that's the case, sure. Just let me know, cause I've tried so effing hard to be there for you and talk to you over the years.

I like(d) you as a friend, I put passed all the crap that's happened between us. The awkward stuff, and the problems we've faced... I let it all go so we could be friends.

Right now I can't think that anymore. Right now I think it was all for not. Right now I kind-of hate you, but I'm also very angry, so can't say for sure.

Right now... I don't think you deserve a friend like me. Cause I try to be good to everyone, I try to be there and talk to my friends, think things through. If something bothers me I say so. If someone ticks me off I let it go as long as I can. Unlike YOU. I give a lot away for my friends and people who deserve it. I give my heart away to people and people like you tear it up for no goddamn reason. You stab people in the back, just because they're not your favorite people in the world.

The way you did with 2 other people last year.

If this is ongoing, you should have told me before so I didn't have to be so effing mad about it now.

Whatever.

You don't deserve me as a friend.

You effing don't deserve a lot of the things you have with that attitude of yours.

end of story.

I feel as if this belongs here

This is probably really boring to anyone who isn't me, just so you know, at least the Saturday recap. The Sunday one will be better, cause you weren't there, I guess.

Ahhhh What a weekend!!!!

I spent sooo much time inside this past week. Way too much time inside.
I looked forward to this weekend for so long. <3

Saturday I got up early and went to Target with my family. We had been inside for a whole week so we needed supplies. I got a bag for the evening's events, and when we paid, the original price was +$300, with all the gift cards we had we got it all for free.

Like, seriously for free, none of those gift cards were gifts to my mom from my bro or I either. xD It amused me.

After that I went home, and went to Stephs. I lost my eyeliner in my bag then on the floor as well, then Hannah found it for me. Wtfunk, where did it go and why doesn't it like me. u_u
Stephanie REFUSED to wear the dress we picked out for her, but we finally got her to wear it. I thought she looked gorgeous. (:
And the strangest thing that happened was Evelina absolutely REFUSING to wear one of Steph's dresses and buying a new one.

At least she has more of a selection now? XD

We got to the mall running on Asian time, like, +30 mins late, and Alena and Eric were waiting there with Cristian and a few other people. We all got to eat together, and we got tickets later, which wasn't supposed to be the case.

I had TEH BEST LOBSTER BISQUE EVERR @ BRIO :]
I love the shrimp/lobster, and the soup was so hearty.
It was so good I couldn't eat my pasta. XD
I don't like tomato cream sauce much anyway ;_;

I suppose I liked my company more than the food, I sat with Vy-anh, Hannah, Vincent, Alena, Eric and Leo. I hadn't seen anyone in forever! I missed everyone sooooo much, especially Leo <3

I got lychee/green tea yogurt for dessert from Yogenfruz, so tastyy.

Wasn't in much of a mood to shop, more feeling like sleeping off all the food until Valentines day.
Such a good movie choice too XD
I felt kinda bad talking to Leo through it, but whatever. :P
I still want to see that "Babies" movie VY-ANHHH~<3
And Sex and the City 2
^hahaha, I don't think anyone knows that that's my Guilty Pleasure, till now. I've seen all the episodes, I have them all on DVD, and the movie. :P

Valentines Day was so cutsey. I loved it. Every story and all the relationships were so cute.
...Except Taylor Lautner and Taylor Swift... I wanted to punch Swift, even though she was funny.

People made me feel so baaaaaddddddd not going to sleepover. XD
But it was valentines, and I had to see my Leo <3

Hung out for a bit, and I left at 2, really sad.
I was so sad I couldn't go see him later that day for Valentines Day.

I woke up sad, moped around for a bit,
then got to go see him! :DDD

I was so happy.
I've never spent valentines day with a significant other, and I was glad to spend it with Leo.

Just cuddling with him made me happy. I think he's a doofus, though, you'll see why down there.

Buut since it was also Vietnamese New Years, Leo's mom who I love dearly (she's random and crazy like Leo), gave me one of those little red bags of money, li xe? It had 20 dollars in it, and she gave me a huge hug and told me to take care of Leo and treat him well. I felt so honored.

I've also never eaten dinner at 9PM! AT A RESTAURANT
We went to Uno's and ate.
...They were out of burgers, wtf... Poor Leo, not knowing what to order.
Then the waiter was trying to take his plate, and the honey mustard was still on it, but he was eating it -.- The waiter left it for him. He must have thought we were the weirdest couple. XD

We got dessert and talked and talked and talked. I never really talk to him, he does a lot more talking than I do, but tonight I talked a lot.

....and then I went home. xD
Which sucked, but it was such an amazing day compared to what I was expecting.
And an amazing weekend in general. I hope we have more weekends like this one. :D <3

Love Always <3

clt: I have a soul! I cried during Valentines Day. When the older couple was getting back together, I teared, and one fell down my cheek. I actually cried during a movie. XD

I miss him so much... this is all your fault.

Dear 2010

At first I posted this on my Xanga, but I thought that this is something good to put on my blogger too. More because there's no reason to keep this private :D

Hello 2010,

I know you're only 16 hours old at this point, but I just wanted to get some things down.

You couldn't have come at a better time, honestly 2010. A lot of my friends as well as myself are going through a whole mess of things right now. With the change of the year comes those resolutions, and more change, a rebirth of who we want to be and revelations on where we want to go. So I guess this is all good timing. Thank you for starting off so swimmingly, and being the catalyst of new things to come.

But to tell you the truth 10, (it feels weird calling you just "10," I think I'm going to stick with twenty-ten) even though you're arrival was welcomed, if you stick around too long I won't be too happy. Next year brings about one of the biggest changes in my life. Graduating high school and becoming a college kid. In 2011, everything is going to go all Topsy-Turvy, but I'm so excited for that, you have no idea. The only problem is this is the final (full) year I will be considered a "high school" student, I graduate in May of next year! The last year before I go off on my own. By this time 2011, I'll be living in dorms with people I don't know, miles away from my home and even more miles away from my friends who are going to be living in dorms or in their homes doing the same things I am. I hopefully won't be too far away, I don't want to be away from my Leo/friends for longer than I have to. I'm scared to be living with people I don't know, and doing things I'm totally not used to doing by myself like making money, meeting new people, and supplying my own food. I'm still pretty excited though.

You know what? Go ahead and stick around for a little while. I need some time before that to get some things done; the usual, you know: applications/essays to write, SATs to be taken, portfolios to be critiqued and developed, and growing to do. I will be a senior when you're in your ninth month, LEGAL in your tenth, 18 dude,can you believe that? I'M SO OLD. D: I need to do a lot more growing-up before I can move onto those bigger and better things.

I guess you can say that for me, you will be my reflective year. A year to spend by boosting and/or maintaining my GPA, getting those bonds of friendship as strong and ready for the challenges ahead as humanly possible, having as much fun as I can, and balancing my time better. I love my attitude about school, but I know I need to grow up a little. I need to make sure I don't lose my cool either.

I want to keep my relationship with Leo going, I want to become closer to him and do some growing with him as well.

I'm very excited for this year, I hope you live up to my expectations, but I know I have to work on some things to keep you from going sour. Just don't mess this up for me with a huge plague of celebrity deaths, or the cancellation of Glee, or what have you.

BUUUT WHATEVURR YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'm up for whatever you throw at me. >:D

revived?

my generic one year post... typing it before I forget to/can't get to it until later and by later i mean 2010.

So last year around this time, what was I doing..?
December 2008.

Look at those posts...
How sad I was, my god.
I can't believe it.

I was just getting over things, and starting over, exposing myself to more things, and other people, and a bunch of shit I probably shouldn't have... But I did.

Looking back on all that, I know that I have come to quite a few revelations as of that date:

The most major one is what Julio did to me.
I blamed myself, to a point...
It wasn't my fault.
What he did, was what I say it is now.
He took advantage of me, I was stupid for giving him the opportunity to, but he did.

That doesn't define me.


Throughout 09 I have let people get under my skin, in my head, in my heart, and use my body. I have done a lot of growing. More than I expected, and in unexpected ways.

I have seen things that I did not expect to see, ever.
I learned who my real friends are, and who I should (and shouldn't) trust.

I have also learned that just because someone is nice to you, that does not mean they are a good person, in the long run.

I've done interesting things, had some interesting experiences. My first convention/rave, another piercing, being high at school (xD), a new pet, hookah, sneaking out, kings, smirnoff, and all those what ifs.

What if I hadn't lost the baby?
What if all those kisses had gone somewhere?
What if I hadn't done those things to myself?

I refuse to dwell on the past though, at least the negative part of it, there's no reason to.

I found my calling; I know the perfect blend of my talents, and weaknesses. What I can do in life that can help myself and my peers, as well as the world. Taking photography has opened my eyes in more ways than one.

I know who I can trust now. I believe I know who and what should and shouldn't be in my life anymore. I know I cannot be selfish in my beliefs though.

I can be stubborn and outspoken, like I already am, but I can't let it hurt other people's relationships.

I've also embraced my sexuality. I'm proud and willing to let my relationships grow, not push people away, both friendship wise, and romantically.

I've become a happier person~ More carefree, I'm not letting things get to me the way they used to.

I've met so many new people... Well not met, necessarily. More like, gotten closer to. Reggie and Stephanie in photography. I would say that Reggie is my closest friend right now XD Which is sad.. yet, I like it; because Reggie and I agree on so many things, and disagree. I feel as if my ties with my current friends are slowing down though... I miss our girly sleepovers, and our talks. Let's bring them back~

In the past few months I have been changing even more than I have in the past year. I have reevaluated my standards of a person I want to be with. My happiness does not ride solely on him, but it does help a lot that he's here with me.

I've told him quite a bit. I trust him with my whole heart, and I hope he can get to where I am as well, someday.

Leo Leo Leo... You're such a strong influence on me right now.
I feel as if I would be becoming someone I don't want to be, if I hadn't met you.

I want 2010 to be the best year yet (:
I want to grow more, and blossom, become a muchmuchmuch happier person than I was, and that I am right now.

I have my friends beside me, and I hope we stay this way. <3
Let's grow stronger together, mmkay?

Love Always ~<3

CLT: I wish I was more comfortable with my body... Once I can be 100% comfortable with it, I'll feel soooooooo much better about me.

I think that this is place is perfect for writing this, because no one checks is regularly, and its all about my love life XDDD


I think that its way too early to say I miss you, but I do... and it sucks.