who are you, really?

answer me that question.

Who are you, really?

Are you always true, and do you act the same way around everyone you meet? Do you gossip about people who are your best friends? Go over situations in your minds, and judge? When friends aren't supposed to judge?



Hm..... I've been pondering that for a while.


Who am I?



There are always two sides to every story.. who I think I am is most likely completely different to who others think I am.



Sometimes I think that I'm a bitch.. and I make myself out to be this judgemental, put-me-before-everyone-else kind of person. Which is usually not the case. When I'm in a bad mood or something, I get picky, and just want everybody else to feel as bad as me. Sometimes I thik that people should just do what I want them to do... Because I'm just feeling like I have no control. Selfish, no?

Sometimes I think that I'm wayyyyy too sensitive. I get over-dramatic about the smallest things or one situation in perticular will make me so angry that I just don't wanna stop talking about it or I'll explode.

And other times I find myself feeling like I'm a manipulative person. Who can warp people's minds into doing what I want them to. Most of the time it's a sexual thing, but I know I can use myself and I use it to my advantage.

And then other days.... I like who I am, and I like what I've become, and I know that all of those sides to me are just reflected differently with the situations I'm in, and the people I'm with.

I think that the last one is the most real. :D

===blah===

OhMyGosh.

Guys.

You are retarded when you're drunk.

You really are.

3 shots the whole night. No weed. Some cigarettes.

Just 3 jell-o shots (1 because I had never had one, and the other 2 because they were that effing good)

I saw the WHOLE THING. No memory lapses, no constant urges to leave and go to the bathroom. I saw the whole thing! Sober as a bird.

I'm 2 for 4 now. SUCK IT. :D

Now I want to record myself drunk. Apparently it's interesting. xD

If only he'dve noticed me last night... Heh.
I was trying to be more out-there this time.. but unfortunately all my friends were busy either with guys or sleeping... I'm a lot more shy than people know. Dx

GODD. I'm an idiot. Thinking anybody, not just him, would be interested in me there..
The little white girl, who sticks out as it is, trying to chill with a bunch of geeky asians who just-so happen to be on average 2 years older than her.

He told me to be more "out-there..." and to have more self-confidence.. which is a little hard to do if you're me.

Heh.

I sort-of wish things happened. But then again I don't. Because I have a CRUSH on him, okay. I don't even like him like that. I don't want to fuck him.

God this is odd (heh, egg.).. I'm paranoid. What if he READS this and thinks I'm strange. I don't post the link anywhere else but my AIM profile, but Vy-anh's blog is reach-able via Facebook, which means he could click on the link and read this and think i'm a creep. -___-

i'ma stop now.

CLT: I wear my life on my sleeves... I'm very open with people, which is probably bad... But yea.. If you wanna know something about me, anything. Just ask! I'll most likely tell you and be like whatever.

Well.. My mother decided to ground me last weekend for drinking behind her back.
She read old texts about hangovers and automatically assumed I had been drinking.
Her smelling alcohol on me once didn't help much..


Hm... I go behind her back about drinking, she takes my old phone/SIM card out of the trash can and reads the texts on it. I mean, she's just as sneaky as me.


I'm ungrounded now, after twisting her arm a little, and my sister standing up for me.


Basically she said the reason for her being so hard with me is because she loves me and whatnots. She's so hard on Zach because she had postpartum depression with him and not me... blahblahblah.

that doesn't account for sneaking behind my back, and not letting me make my own decisions. She wants me to be the one who goes to college, and the one who makes something of herself, and not "like her..." Yet she's smothering me the way her parents did to her.


I don't understand her logic.


Maybe it's because of my age, or because I don't like being critisized... But I can't stand her when s he does that.


Her main defense it is illegal for me to drink at my current age. The one that pisses me off the most is that she believes that I am "incapable of making decisions for myself." She said i'm too young to do that, when i've been doing it for years.



She's given me choices before. I've had chances to do bad/good before... most of the time I've lived up to her expectations... now that I'm not I'm apparently a stupid bitch who is deserving of a life sentence in jail.

When she did worse things than me.
Granted, in college, not high school, but still.

I'm sick of people critisizing me and my lifestyle, for no apparent reason.

I keep my grades up,
I keep my MORALE up.
I just have a dark side, like everyone else.

so...


just stop it.

CLT: I find it very easy to get on parent's good sides, but the downside to this is I have to try my hardest to appease them AND their kids/my friends.

you get two, because the last post doesn't have one.

CLT: I rarely believe in second chances, even if I think someone deserves one, I don't usually forgive them until a LONG time after.

okay, umm... I'm writing this on some sort of writing website, that will force me to write or I will get Rick Roll'd..... I like it. xD
I'm writing here because I don't really have the inititave to blog anymore... so this helps.
What's going on in my life?? Hm. Let's start with this:
I don't understand him, I don't understand her, I hate my love life. Yes I realise that probably 3/4 of my blog is about my love life... but I don't really have anything going on (that I can write about in THIS blog) right now except for that.

Tuesday me and him had a short, half-hour conversation that can be summed up in a few sentences: We both agree that we love/miss each other a lot, but it's very hard to keep this relationship alive, because of the distance (well he says it's distance, I say it's his libido...), and the temptation. I mean, we have to work on it to keep it alive, right?? I'm trying, he's appparently trying. We both are a little worried that things won't work out, because outside sources are tempting us, and we don't have much time for each other face to face.
He basically told me that there's this girl that he "likes the way he loves me (wuh??)." He's attracted to her, but he doesn't wanna break-up with me, and he says that losing me would hurt more than the happiness he'd feel with her. I said that I didn't care either way (through tears), and that him happy would make me happy. An easy breakup would be a lot easier than a painful relationship.

I'm a little confused with my love life too, me and her (not the 1st period one, Sammy) haven't been talking much. It's awkward. The awkward-ness of our relationship sprung from that incident last month, and I still can't bare the sight of them.
Since when was Tammy on the Varsity Winter Cheer??? She looked so fucking lost the whole time (at the basketball game). Like she didn't practice, and expected to be spot-on. What. The. Hell. She looks like that on the field... Maybe now she'll realise it. ~hahaha, Just had to put that in there.

I want to be with her, too. I told J that, he said that because of his crush, he wouldn't feel bad if I went out with her.. I said I wouldn't, because I didn't think that it would be good for Her. I told her I missed her today, because I do.. She told me she misses me too. I don't know what I'm going to do with her.
((LOL.. If I don't write the Peanut Butter Jelly Time song comes on. SUPER LOUD xDDDDD))

Long story short is, Jeremiah and I wanna be together, but we're having problems because we don't talk enough. Long distance crap.
---------------------------------------topic change xD--------------------------------

I'm struggling with keeping myself in check. I've been procrastinating a lot lately, and I've been wearing my emotions a lot more on my sleeves than usual. Like with those freshmen in first period, the ones I told to shut-up? That was where it started. I just can't fucking keep my mouth shut anymore. If I don't like something, I'm going to come right out and say it. It doesn't take much to set me off.

I wish I was like Vy-anh in this aspect, because she can just cry it out... I get violent, my words pierce, and so do my emotions. I don't think you're a crybaby Vy-anh, I just think it's a lot healthier to cry than to scream and act like a psycho.

The whole procrastination thing, hm. I don't really know where I'm going with that, but what I think I mean is that I kind-of let myself do what I want to do, without restraint. I just do it and don't care about the outcome, until the outcome. Then I sulk because I KNOW it was my fault something happened. I hate that. I don't know what to do to make myself feel better about it. About anything after that. I just feel retarded.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

I've been wondering why I don't put myself out there as much too. The other day, in English (If you've already heard this story then skip over it). I was chosen to be the leader of our "Island," we were apparently stranded in the classroom which was and island, and we had to act like a tribe: electing leaders, hunters, etc, build a shelter, and find proper information to keep everyone identified. We finished. Only because I was the Leader and was yelling the whole time.... I hated being the center of attention. I really did. I did it anyway though. Because I knew that nothing would get done unless someone who was loud and agressive was leader. Hey, you just saw a side of me you've never seen before!
Well, normally I'm not like that, not even in a position of power. I was so fucking embarassed afterwards...

I don't know how to talk to people... it's difficult for me to make new friends, or even just to talk to new people...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wells... It's Saturday today... My sister is coming over to celebrate my brother's birthday. We spent four hours cleaning our house. I spent twenty at the hair salon, getting my brother to finally trim his matted, unkempt hair. Needless to say he did, thank god. We always put on our best faces when Shannon comes over. Our happiest smiles, our nicest clothes, our best attitudes. It's my mother's idea, really. She wants everyone to believe that her family is close-knit, been through tragedy and prevailed, happy.

Well, I'm not happy.

I hate the fact that she does this. She does it with her friends, boyfriends, and my sister. They're not even related! Shannon is my half-sister, and my mother is her stepmom. She's the one who taught me to always have a facade. Smile, make friends, be happy. No one likes an emotionally fucked-up 16-year-old. She's the one who puts me down, and calls me stupid. And expects me to be okay.

She's the one who dates multiple people, goes to parties, and is on the phone more than me.

I'm supposed to do that stuff, not the multiple people thing, but I'm the teenager. Her gone means I'm at home, watching Zach, watching HER. There are some days that she ends up blairing her music, and screaming it at the top of her lungs. I'm the one vaccuuming, telling Zach to get a shower and go to bed, telling her to turn her music down.

I can't stand her sometimes.

She's more my child than my mother.

I miss my sis.

This summer I told her about me doing pot, and drinking. She just laughed, and told me her stories. She's got some good ones.

She's not my mom's friend. She's my sister. I deserve to be able to talk to her.

She knows that I'm going to party, and she knows how anal my mother can get. She understands as much as she can... She's older than me, by fourteen years. She didn't have someone to confide in like I do about that stuff. So I don't think she knows what to do with me. xD

I miss her more than she knows.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I want to be happy again.

I want to go party again.

I want to run away. Not from anything, to something else.

Come with me? We'll go to New York City, live Bohemian.

Own a cramped little flat in between an asian market, and more little apartments full of other aspirings.

We'll wait tables by day, sell drugs by night.

Eat strictly organic vegan foods, and make friends with the locals.

Get into art school only because of our extensive portfolios, Vy-anh for her sketches, me for my photographs.

Calvin will open coffee shops, Samantha indie record stores.

We'll wear shower-curtain dresses and old jeans that smell like mothballs and a year's worth of drinking benders.

Let's get out of here.

blah.

i'm listening to the beach boys.

that one song, from 50 first dates??

wouldn't it be nice if we were older, and we didn't have to wait so long???


Sigh..

so much to say... so much crap inside my head.

strangely i don't really wanna type it all out at the moment.
So my next post shall be long.

Very long.

A gradual post that I shall put together when i feel like it this week.

Consisting of things having to do with:

• Relationships
• Being "out there"
• Emotions on sleeves
• Whores
• My sister
• and.... something happy i suppose.

Cya then.

woo

I was watching one of my favorite shows last night, Big Bang Theory (I loveeee Sheldon xD), when I had the urge to draw.


I've been sketching since yesterday night. xD

Maybe I'll put pictures up???

CLT: I hate, absolutely hate, being caught behind a slow person in the hallways. Especially couples, cause I can't get around them. xD

as much as I can say I don't need him, I do.

as much shit that he's put me through, I should be through with him, but I'm not.

I miss him so much it hurts.

I'm tired of calling and getting his dad on the phone... telling me he's not there. When I know he is.

I'm mad that I can't save him, and I'm angry that he said he'd always choose me over the booze.
I'm hurt, and I know he doesn't care.

as much as you can say he was not good enough for me... I still love him.

The 5 months I'd been talking to him, and the 2 I'd been dating him were possibly the best months of my life.

And now we go from talking hours every night to not even speaking.

I'll get over it, I hope.

Fucking. Basslines!

Playlist 4??? 5?? one or the other.

Techno/Trance music, it'll stay in your head for dayyyyys:

Just Dance - Lady GaGa
Bounce - Tune Up! (My favorite)
Boys Boys Boys - Lady GaGa
Yeah Yeah! - Bodyrox featuring Lucianna (Anna ;])
Popcorn - Hot Butter (Patu's blog)
Starstruck - Lady GaGa
Heaven - DJ Sammy
Bacteria remix - Pendulum
Bigger Than Big - Supermal featuring Lucianna
Sakura - From DDR Extreme?
I Wish - Infected Mushroom

Dance Music :D

Gangster Trippin' - Fatboy Slim
That's Not My Name - The Ting Tings
Hangin' Around - The Polyponic Sprett
FSCENE8 - The Medic Droid
Cobra Style - Teddybears Stockholm
La Vie Boheme - Rent Cast?? (ok, this isn't really dance music, but I dance to this song almost every day xD)
Spazz - N.E.R.D

Hey you! Yea, you! Psst... Fuck You :]

Lateley I don't know what to do with myself.

There's this shell around me that I can't crack. A sort-of, numbness I guess? No matter how much fun the situation is, I don't feel like I am doing anything fun. The only sort-of emotions Tyler told me how she slowly wants to turn off her emotions, and apparently it's working for her. Well, I don't want it, but it's happening to me as well. Tell me something, anything, in my mind I'll be thinking up what to say and how to say a response. Which is probably why I've had this tendency to blow-up in people's faces recently. Not go off per se, but just sort of get set-off and not shut up. I notice I do these things after they've already happened, and think to myself: "Wow.. what the hell was I talking about"

I don't know when to stop the charade... I have some emotion, yes. I just think they're getting a lot harder to control. And don't think that I don't care, or don't want to be there for you just because I'm a little bit messed-up in the head at the moment. I do. I care. I mean this.

====this is my topic changer bar====

Constantly I have opportunities to cheat in my relationship. Constanlty I debate whether or not to take them. I used to believe in the whole "no cheating, cheating is bad," thing. All I've been exposed to relationship-wise has been adultery.

+Julio. End of story.

+I cheated on Vinh with Jess.

+Vinh's cheating on his current girlfriend with another girl.

+Jeremiah was a self-proclaimed manwhore when I met him.

The physical part of relationships is pretty much all I want at the moment. He rarely calls, we have no time for each other, almost no time alone, he's still drinking, I'm not getting anything out of this. I want him to notice me again, I'm still here.

I long for a relationship where I can have the physical part and the mental connections. We click, mentally. We click physically, just not often enough. As much as he's on my mind, there are things I need and things I want that I just don't get.

He asked me why we have to have sex every time we see each other.

I tell him it's fucking hard to hold weeks of physical need in, and only have eight hours to exert all of it at once.

He agrees.

====I like these things====

I don't understand people sometimes, nobody ever gives. They just take. I see people who constantly need attention or they become horribly annoying. People who will do everything their friends do just to belong, and the friends know.

I know people who call their friends "disappointments" when they aren't willing to try anything either. They assume that no one is trying to stay friends, and no one wants them around, when its exactly the opposite. I've noticed that in perticular.. Some people tend to push others away when they get too close. They get invited places, and then they sit there and complain: "I'm so bored, I wanna go home."

Why would any one try in that situation?

What makes me frustrated is the fact that they expect to be invited places, when they don't invite anyone anywhere either. If not at their house, for any reason, or the mall because of transportation and whatnots. Ask if they want to do something after school???

It hurts because they don't even recognise the fact that we're trying. In the hallways we always say hello, after school when we see them we hug and chat even for a minute. Want someone to say hello? Say hello first. The only way to establish a connection is to have both ends working. This isn't all our fault here. So look at yourself and what you can do to make things work before you blame other people.

That made me so fucking angry yesterday. I hope you know that. You know who you are.

====tangent number three...====

Am I the only one with the balls to speak up about anything??? Vy-anh, Sammy and I had a little convorsation about this yesterday. I've stood up to quite a few people when no one else could or would. I'm just as about-to-shit-my-pants about confrontation as any one else, believe me, I shake and I tear-up when I'm talking to them. Then I get so angry that it doesn't matter anymore. I've heard so much shit about certain people, yet no one has ever spoken directly to them about it except me. I don't understand why that is.

I've stood up to:

• Mrs. Luck
• Mr. Usher
• Mrs. Bellamy
• Shabanna
• Those annoying as fuck freshmen boys in first period
• Now I guess the people I'm referring to in tangental topic number 2

We all have had problems with these people at one time or another. It's time to speak for yourselves, or I'm going to look like even more of a lunatic.

====Last time, I swear!====

Welllllll... you know what's going on around me. Hell, I'm practically never alone. Now you know what's inside my head at the moment. I think that's pretty much it.

I'm ready for a nap... I'm not going anywhere today ((sorry for cancelling guys..))

Cya Wednesday, loves. <3

CLT: [in response to Vy-anh's] I had night terrors about death and dying as a kid. I always analyzed it and became so afraid of it at night I would be afraid of closing my eyes, too scared that I wouldn't wake up the next morning if I did. Then I experienced it more... I'm kind of wavering about it.