>.<

blah.
my facebook got hacked. Fucking-a.

virusscan.
trojanscan.
delete cookies.
reset computer.
backup computer.
reset pw/e-mail on facebook.
apologise for the random spam comments. ><

Hacking? Fuck. Facebook's turning into Myspace...

------------------------------------------------------------------
I got my learner's permit yesterday w00t :D
already nearly crashed the car....

even after what happened the day before. I can still pass a supid test.
------------------------------------------------------------------

Gah.
I hate it when people see me like that.
I was off in my own little world. Just staring into space.
But I hate doing it alone.

and I hate that people have let some other people do things they shouldn't.
I hate that I let people do things like that, especially because they don't know how to moderate it.

I can moderate drinking. I know when to stop. I don't like drinking, because your mindset changes. With hash, things slow down, but you still know where your at and what's going on. It's just slower, and a little bit farther away (You'll have to try it to get that). You don't ask your mother who they are when you're high, when you're drunk, you just might.

I can't moderate hash. I just can't.
I hate that I can't do that.
And I hate it that I saw them there. The same people who've tried to help me.

I don't know what I want anymore.
Somedays I just want someone to pull me out of it and smack me around till I snap out of it.
Somedays I just want to smoke till I can't stand up at all.
I'm thinking about it right now, I can't lie. I was thinking of calling "X" or "G" and getting some....
I was also thinking of getting something else... I know someone has some.
ah.

Whatever you do.. don't let me do pills. I'm asking people who read this, apparently people do read this... To keep me away from them. Cause I will do them, and I will get sick again.

I'm sorry I do these things to myself, honest....

rally round the family

with a pocket full of shells!!!!!

Gah.. Rage Against The Machineeeeeeeee

Fierce lyrics with political undertones. Good riffs, and a prominent bassline. I can't help but like them <3

><:

 Monday/Today: DC to get pics. 

Tuesday: Laundry Day... Then get-together? 

Wednesday: Learner's Permit Test. Wish me luck 

Thursday: Homework. 

Friday: School shopping/Lunch with the fam/Learner's Permit re-test if needed.

Saturday: School shopping/Homework/Conditioning (free by mid-afternoon)
Sunday: Homework/Conditioning/Cleaning  

New weekend schedule: Sat- GMU w/ Michael & Vinh. Sleepover w/ Jessica, Jeremy and Vinh. Sun- Go home?

Sat- School shopping/IHOP. Cleaning. Dinner with my mum's friends.

Sun- Vinh comes over :D

Monday: Conditioning in midmorning. Otherwise... Free! :D
Tuesday-Friday: Field Hockey Trouts 4:45 - ?
Saturday: FH Cuts! Early morning. Free in afternoon.
Sunday: IDK. My mum will keep me occupied...
Monday-Friday: Field Hockey practice (If I make it, I'm sure there won't be any cuts.. but I'm nervous >.<) If no practice.. I have housework & remaining hw/shopping to do.

Monday: School ohjoy.

playlist.

hm. it's 8:20 now..
let's make a playlist!
Notice the braud spectrum of genres/artists(/Languages?).
songs that I listen to constantly right now:

Yes, I catigorize songs by color. I always have.
Red - Louder stuff (metal)
Green - Music that I like to dance to the lighter it is, the more i dance xD
Blue - Relaxing/Thinking music
Yellow - Undefinable
Purple - Alternative rock
Black - Dark. But not "metal" dark.

Cat Scratch Fever - Pantera
Fan - Epik High
FSCENE8 - The Medic Droid
A Favor - Coheed and Cambria
China Girl - David Bowie
Keep it Simple - Cobra Starship
Stiff Kittens - Blaqk Audio
Welcome Home - Coheed and Cambria
Cath... -Death Cab for Cutie
Walk - Pantera
Jibun Kakumei - Miyavi
Lexington (Joey Pea Pot With a Monkey Face) - Chiodos
Kiss My Sass - Cobra Starship feat. Travis McCoy of Gym Class Heroes
The Science of Selling Yourself Short - Less than Jake
Miss Sobriety - Cute Is What We Aim For
Pain it Black - The Black Daliah Murders (cover of The Rolling Stones)
Kirikiri - Antic Cafe
Sleep - The Dandy Warhols
Great DJ - The Ting Tings

mornin' everyone

Gah..

Calvin called me at almost 5 in the morning. I really wanted to beat him today, not literally. xD
I wanted to call him 1st...

I set my alarm and everything!!!!! No fair. Dx
Ahh.. Calvin, silly Calvin. I can picture him now.. Reading my blog. Like he does every day, apparently. Now he's reading this, getting creeped out. Because I'm talking about HIM. (yes, you Calvin)

BUT. I do enjoy talking to him. Even if he won't share what's going on in his head, and he wakes me up, and we talk when my minutes aren't free.... And he always makes me share. It's good though. :]

1 hour and 27 minutes on the phone.
It's 7:08 and I can't sleep now! I've already eaten breakfast, and had my coffee. Gah. I think I could go back to sleep, but I don't feel like it.

mmm.. my omlette was good.
well, not omlette per se.
Eggs, veggie steak, onions, and peppers.
It started off good, really! Then... it didn't.

"Fuck this, I'm making scrambled eggs."

It was tasty though.
I haven't eaten eggs in a long time, don't know why. I had 3 this morning... I feel fat. -___-
I have to go to training camp next week. Then tryouts. I've made it 3 days now. Blah. It hurts my head, I'm okay. Vinh's being a dick about it though. Egging me on... Trying to get me to smoke. I can't. Not right now.

Chauie is gonna be on the team. I don't think I'm gonna have a dramatic season like lax. ^^
I feel better, cause I know someone. I dunno though, they usually don't cut girls. Since I'm new, and there's gonna be freshmen there, and a lot of reoccuring people. ><

ehh.. I don't mind not playing.
There are clubs and such.
I think I'll have more fun in those than a sport anyhow.

I think I feel better today.... The protien must've helped.

Au revoir ~

urgh

Last cigarette: 07-20-08
Gotta quit for FH/Lax.

This sucks -_-
I'm craving and it's only been 2.5 days.

I don't even know why I bother. The girls on the teams never like me anyway.
I'm not like them.
Sorry I don't want to talk about The Hills.
I wanna play sports.
I wanna make friends. But I really don't know what to say/do to make them okay with me.

Blah. fuck it.
I wanna play. That's it.
I want to be able to run a mile and not get winded.

thinking.

I never thought that
you would be the one to
make me see who I am
what I've been was
something other than myself

I never thought that
HE'D be the one that didn't need saving,
and I needed to be pulled out,
of the sinking ship.

thrown something to float on
given something to ride upon,
rescue from the coming storm,
And the dragons below the water

this raft's big enough for too, you know.
sit with me?

let's struggle through this ocean
one stroke,
two strokes,
2 oars forward,
4 eyes front.

it started like this: word for word. names have been changed to protect the innocent.

me.(12:47:49 AM): i just know how to push your buttons :]

me.(12:47:51 AM): mhmm

him. (12:47:56 AM): Oh you do now do you.?

me.(12:48:01 AM): but not without the fear of guilt

him.(12:48:02 AM): I know how to push yours.

me.(12:48:03 AM): mhmm

him.(12:48:03 AM): to a limit.

me. (12:48:06 AM): orly?

me.(12:48:09 AM): try me..

him. (12:48:12 AM): It's okay.

me.(12:48:15 AM): go ahead.

me.(12:48:16 AM): use me.

me.(12:48:18 AM): do it.

him. (12:48:22 AM): not funny.

me.(12:48:26 AM): hm?

him.(12:48:28 AM): Forget it.

me.(12:48:36 AM): i'm used to it.

me. (12:48:37 AM): srsly.

him. (12:48:41 AM): Whatever you say.

him. (12:48:47 AM): I'm going out for a walk.

him. (12:48:48 AM): ^^

him. (12:48:49 AM): ttyl.

me.(12:48:52 AM): all-righty

me.(12:48:55 AM): byeee :]

me.(12:49:10 AM): good talkin to ya.

be around more often, you're fun

me. (12:49:58 AM): and I am used to it.

me. (12:50:03 AM): srsly... you don't know

me. (12:50:05 AM): 'but i am

him. (12:50:08 AM): you know.

him. (12:50:09 AM): seriously

him. (12:50:15 AM): I've heard you once

him. (12:50:19 AM): you don't need to repeat it.

him. (12:50:20 AM): seriously.

me. (12:50:22 AM): lol

me. (12:50:25 AM): heh

him. (12:50:27 AM): it's not even worth loling about.

me. (12:50:30 AM): yea
me. (12:50:33 AM): ...

me. (12:50:38 AM): >>

him. (12:50:39 AM): Go fix it

thennn.. I sorta said this >.>

him. (12:51:04 AM): then why do you keep bringing up the fact your used to it

him. (12:51:08 AM): if you hate it
me. (12:51:12 AM): hm.

me. (12:51:15 AM): honeslty

me. (12:51:19 AM): *honestly.

me. (12:51:35 AM): i'm an idiotic attention -grubbing bitch

me. (12:51:36 AM): just deal with it

which finally led to....

him.(1:18:29 AM): One of these days Tiff.

him(1:18:32 AM): someone's going to come along

him(1:18:37 AM): and listen to your story.

him(1:18:40 AM): they'll sit and listen.

him(1:18:42 AM): and understand.

him(1:18:48 AM): They know they don't have to worry

him(1:18:51 AM): They know that

him(1:18:56 AM): but they make their decision

him(1:18:57 AM): on their own

him(1:19:00 AM): so it's not your fault.

him(1:19:03 AM): that they want to listen.

him(1:19:09 AM): and try to be of some help.

him(1:19:13 AM): There not there to pity you

talking to him made me hurt a lot more.... I haven't done anything about the hurt in so long.
he had to bring it back into the open...... fuckkk.

he always does that to me. >.< style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; COLOR: rgb(255,0,0)" size="5">use me.
i don't care anymore.
no seriously, i love it.
chew me up, spit me out.

use me to your heart's content, until or I stop breathing. whichever comes first.
it's still in the back of my head, as I change. I can still feel it. This pressure to be something else.

Am I just a toy?


I'm still thinking about it.... everything i've done, and why they happened.
I'm not in control.

people have fucked me, drugged me, hurt me, cut me, shaped me, etc, etc. without a care in the world.

I'm numb.
I really am numb.

immune to the fact that people do these things to me.

I'm still happy I guess.
Just a little off I guess.
...
I've got something for that.
I'll be okay.

Au Revoir ~

The Loss - Hollywood Undead

random tidbit..

when I get up in the morning I take a hot shower, then dry my hair off and part it.
my mirror is about a foot higher than my dresser, so when I stand too close only my head is reflected.

somedays I think that I could mistake myself for a boy. with my short hair and my azn eyes.
then i look down (i'm fully clothed by now pervs.) and say/think: "oh... never mind." XD

nom nom nom nom.

Haha, I'm surprised people actually read this. Again. xD

Vy-anh mentioned my blog in 2 of her posts. Which surprised me a lot. I never thought we were that close. Not close enough to talk about each other in our blogs at least...

I remember how we met, in 8th grade. She didn't like me >.<
I liked her, she was so different. She didn't wanna talk to me because I'm "intimidating" or something. I'm not intimidating.... am I? I just thought she'd be cool to talk to. but she didn't seem to wanna talk to me.
Either way... She was friends with Sam and some other folk that I hung out with, so I guess we ended up bonding! =]
But I never thought she would be someone that I'd hang out with all the time, and actually talk to a lot.... I never thought she actually liked me all that much, even now! xD
See how much people change.. in a day.

I've got low self essteem, I'm concieted, rude, a bit of a know-it-all, and I gossip. I'm opinionated, stubborn, a little dark/macabre, shy, and I'm a bit naiive sometimes. When you look at my negative traits, it's hard to think that I'm someone people would be willing to hang out with.

I have great friends, a lot of em. A lot of people that care about me, and a lot of people that I can talk to. And I lot of people that party and do things that some other people wouldn't, which is good. That doesn't make people bad, just because they smoke weed or drink sometimes. It makes people fun. Daring, and willing to be open-minded. "Bad" people are people that don't care about their friends, and don't think of other people before themselves.

I'm surprised that I have so many friends and so many things going on to actually put into a blog/my journal. Ahh... I'm so stupid, I didn't realize that from the beginning.

I love my friends. :D

Great DJ - The Ting Tings

ob-la-di, ob-la-da, life goes on, bra!

Lately I've noticed changes in myself brought upon by unseen forces and unspoken words.
For example, I'm not a metal head anymore. Well, as much.

I don't listen to the black metal stuff on my Ipod as much anymore. Right now I'm listening to Say Anything! Which is sooooooo beyond Metal.

When I watch you, wanna do you, right where you're standing. On the foyer, on this dark day, right in plain view...
hm, sounds like something Vinh would say....

The bands I used to listen to CONSTANTLY in 7/8th grade:

HIM
Bright Eyes
Underoath
Linkin Park
Rancid
The Misfits
Metallica
Atreyu
etc, etc.

I don't listen to them as much.. and all of them except Bright Eyes & Rancid are heavy rock.

The Bands I now listen to CONSTANTLY in 9th/10th grade:
Alexisonfire
Bullet For my Valentine
Ingrid Michaelson
Incubus
Jack Johnson
Hollywood Undead
The Used
Cute Is What We Aim For
Marolyin Manson? (SERIOUSLY! I've been listening to him over and over and over. Kind of the outlier in this little set... xD)
Sublime
etc.etc.

All lightER stuff. Especially people like Jack Johnson and Ingrid Michaelson. Who only play acoustic stuff/light rock. I still listen to some scream-o/metal/rock.. just not as much. And note, these lists are bands that I listen to most often, I still listen to some harder stuff when I feel like it. Just not as often.
Maybe I don't need the intense screaming singers with blairing guitars and intense lyrics about hate and pain and death anymore. I don't see any metal heads who are happy inside, or love to go outside and chill with friends at the mall. I see metal heads/rockers chain smoking and moshing and spraypainting and doing stuff like that. I don't chain smoke. I don't mosh (more because I can't than I don't want to). I do my schoolwork. I don't fit the bill for a rocker chick. Not like I ever did.. But my music taste is changing.

So is my clothing style. I used to wear ALL BLACK. Black tees and jeans. That's all I'd wear.
I still only wear Jeans. I own a couple pairs of shorts. only one that's not made of denim. I still wear my jeans in the summer. But I bought a DRESS at the beach. It's black and green. GREEN. It's a color I never ever wear or have worn. I mean it's still partly black. But it's a start. And It's a dress. My hair used to be long and brown. Then shorter and brown. Then shorter and black. Now it's shortER and brown with some red in it. I'm definitely opening up to newer styles/tastes.

I'm happy. I think. For the first time in a while I feel liberated and happy. I can think about my past and say "yea, some of it sucked. but it's over, and there are so many things to do and see and try, there's no reason to be sad anymore." My chest still hurts sometimes, I get down still yea. But it's fading, and it's never extremely heavy... not like it was through Middle School. I have symptoms of clinical depression and social anxiety disorder... They're never going to go away, I know that. But i can fight feeling sick and scared. I'm going to beat them.

I'm a lot more rebellious. Drugs and alcohol never used to be a part of my life. But i'm happy with them there. Nothing is to the extreme blackout drunk whathappennedlastnight. Just an occasional hit of the bong or a couplea beers. I've ditched class and I've told off teachers and other kids... but for good reason. Shabannacoughcoughhack excuse me!

I'm a hell of a lot less shy than I was, I stand up for myself and know who I am. I know when I need to tell someone to lay off, I don't just sit down and take it anymore.

Everyone else is changing.. I think that everybody else is a bit happier too, a little more liberated at least, Vy-anh and Anna seem to be huge examples of this. Maybe the whole "we're teens in highschool let's make the most of it!!" vibe has finally set in. But my sad past is but a fleeting memory. I'm so excited to see where we go.

This is going in my journal too, because I can't sum it up anybetter than this.

Change is good. I welcome it. :]

The fact that I am changing hasn't been so prominent to me before. I wonder how far we'll go...

Keep breathing - Ingrid Michaelson